Sonderbooks Book Review of Here Speeching American

Reviewed August 2, 2005.
Villard Books, New York, 2004. 223 pages.
Sonderbooks Stand-out 2005 (#3, Humorous Nonfiction)

I couldn’t pick up this book without laughing out loud, and usually reading bits to poor innocent bystanders. This book is full of actual garbled English found in print around the world.

I laugh at these mistakes with a dose of humility. This book also provides a word of caution to anyone who dares to speak in a language not his own. I’m sure if I were to try to print German instructions, I would make mistakes just as bad.

After all, how is a non-native speaker possibly to know that you shouldn’t talk about driving a convertible “topless”? A simple translation says that the sign at the Rheinfall in Switzerland should be correct, but to an English speaker it’s hilarious: “Caution: Danger of Life.”

The above are my own examples from German-speaking countries, but this book contains examples from all over the world.

My favorite is one we encountered years ago in a “Stupidest Things” daily calendar:

From a wrapper on a complimentary hotel toothbrush in Japan: “The toothbrush is an indispensable part of enjoying life. I brush my teeth every day. I have a wonderful time. I like my toothbrush. I was won’t to get up early.”

Here’s another good one from a hotel in Tokyo: “Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.”

And I love this instruction from a Japanese driving manual: “Beware of greasy corner where lurk skid demon. Cease step on, approach slowly, round cautiously, resume step on gradually.”

I’ve always thought phrase books are rather silly. Here’s a phrase that one textbook’s authors thought would be handy for new English speakers to know: “You’ve mistaken that banana for a telephone!”

I shouldn’t pick on the Japanese. A brochure for French Canal Cruises reads, “In France, you can cruise on many canals and see the peculiarities.”

A billboard from the Philippines states: “Drive Carefully. Your lovers are waiting for you.”

A sign outside a carpet shop in Istanbul reads: “Sorry—We’re Open.”

And of course, the book’s title comes from a sign in a shop in Spain: “English well talking. Here speeching American.”

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Book Reviews by Sondra Eklund

*****Here Speeching American*

A Very Strange Guide to English as it is Garbled Around the World

by Kathryn Petras and Ross Petras