What Happy Women Know

How New Findings in Positive Psychology Can Change Women’s Lives for the Better

by Dan Baker, PhD, and Cathy Greenberg, PhD, with Ina Yalof

Rodale, 2007.  252 pages.

Starred review

Awhile back, I read and loved the book How We Choose To Be Happy, by Rick Foster and Greg Hicks (http://www.sonderbooks.com/Nonfiction/choosetobehappy.html ), so I was already familiar with the science of positive psychology.

What Happy Women Know did not present new ideas to me, but it did provide a fresh look at some extremely good ideas.  Reading this book was a huge encouragement.

I’m in the middle of divorce negotiations, for a divorce I didn’t choose and don’t want.  But I firmly believe that I can still live a happy life, if that is what I choose.  I even found a t-shirt to buy that says “Happy Woman” surrounded by the pink circles from the book’s logo!  ( http://www.acaciacatalog.com/ )  I DO choose to be a happy woman!

The authors begin the book by saying,

“How happy are you right now?  Do you even know?

“Most women know what makes their partners, children, or friends happy, but when it comes to recognizing what lights up their own lives, they often come up short.  If you’re looking for happiness, you have to start with the relationship you have with yourself.  Is it healthy, loving, and nurturing?  Or do you defer to your nay-saying inner critic, as so many women are prone to do? . . .

“Why not dream about a joyous life?  Why not overcome the self-constructed barrier between what your life is and what you want it to be?. . .

“What Happy Women Know is intended to help you understand the importance of positive emotions and to make it easier for you to find your own happy place.  It is also meant to point out how easy it is to fall into the many traps that hinder women in their quest for happiness.

“A “happiness trap” is something that appears to offer the key to happiness but does just the opposite:  It promises happiness but doesn’t deliver.  In fact, it often becomes more of a trap because when happiness doesn’t ensue, people respond by redoubling their efforts. . . .

“Woven throughout the chapters is a series of tools — instructions or prescriptions that offer ways to avoid falling into a trap or ways to pull yourself out if you find yourself in one.  There are single tools for some of the traps and multiple options for others.  Not every tool fits every person, so as you work your way through this mosaic, select the ones you believe will work best for you.”

The book looks at six happiness traps:  perfectionism, wanton wanting, people-pleasing, revenge, “I’m nothing without him,” and inability to separate life and career.  They close off the book talking about loss, health and happiness.

“The subject of loss may seem misplaced in a book about happiness, but in fact just the opposite is true.  Over the course of our lifetimes, we will all lose someone we love, someone we will grieve for.  This chapter suggests ways to transcend grief by celebrating life — giving it meaning and purpose and making count those precious moments you spent with the person for whom you now grieve.”

This book was lovely, uplifting, and encouraging.  The perfect book to read when you’re going through a difficult time, to help you see beyond the trouble to bright new horizons.  Okay, it sounds trite when I put it like that, but this book gave me hope of going on to a joyful, vibrant life and in fact living that joyful life right now.  It reminded me of things that, as a happy woman, I already know myself and do not have any intention of forgetting.

I love the t-shirt because I’m proud to be a happy woman!

This book had lots of quotable lines and sections.  Here are ones that especially hit me:

http://sonderbooks.com/sonderquotes/?s=what+happy+women+know

The authors say:

“What Happy Women Know is intended to provide a blueprint to help you find happiness in your life without having to win the lottery or marry Mr. Right or whittle yourself down to a perfect size 2.  In fact, I hope you are already a happy woman and that you’re reading this book to broaden your blissful horizons.”

I like that.  Broaden your blissful horizons and read this book!

Buy from Amazon.com

Find this review on the main site at:

www.sonderbooks.com/Nonfiction/what_happy_women_know.html

Boundaries

When to Say YES

When to Say NO

To Take Control of Your Life

by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Zondervan Publishing House, 1992.  304 pages.

I finally read this book that I have heard recommended or referred to many, many times.  It struck me as the Christian version of Melody Beattie’s book, Codependent No More.  Boundaries deals with many of the same issues, but I do think that the term “boundary” is easier to understand than the term “codependency.”

What are boundaries, anyway?  Drs. Cloud and Townsend say:

“Any confusion of responsibility and ownership in our lives is a problem of boundaries.  Just as homeowners set physical property lines around their land, we need to set mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries for our lives to help us distinguish what is our responsibility and what isn’t.”

“Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom.  If I know where my yard begins and ends, I am free to do with it what I like.  Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options.  However, if I do not ‘own’ my life, my choices and options become very limited.”

The authors definitely take a Christian perspective.

“The concept of boundaries comes from the very nature of God.  God defines himself as a distinct, separate being, and he is responsible for himself.  He defines and takes responsibility for his personality by telling us what he thinks, feels, plans, allows, will not allow, likes, and dislikes.”

Often, Christians think that we are supposed to be “nice” to everyone, and it doesn’t feel nice to hold onto our boundaries.  The authors are good at showing why this doesn’t truly help anyone.

“Two aspects of limits stand out when it comes to creating better boundaries.  The first is setting limits on others.  This is the component that we most often hear about when we talk about boundaries.  In reality, setting limits on others is a misnomer.  We can’t do that.  What we can do is set limits on our own exposure to people who are behaving poorly; we can’t change them or make them behave right.

“Our model is God.  He does not really ’set limits’ on people to ‘make them’ behave.  God sets standards, but he lets people be who they are and then separates himself from them when they misbehave, saying in effect, ‘You can be that way if you choose, but you cannot come into my house.’…

“Scripture is full of admonitions to separate ourselves from people who act in destructive ways (Matt. 18:15-17; I Cor. 5:9-13).  We are not being unloving.  Separating ourselves protects love, because we are taking a stand against things that destroy love.

“The other aspect of limits that is helpful when talking about boundaries is setting our own internal limits.  We need to have spaces inside ourselves where we can have a feeling, an impulse, or a desire, without acting it out.  We need self-control without repression. 

“We need to be able to say no to ourselves.  This includes both our destructive desires and some good ones that are not wise to pursue at a given time.  Internal structure is a very important component of boundaries and identity, as well as ownership, responsibility, and self-control.”

It’s struck me that there are several boundary issues going on in my life right now.  The big one is negotiating a divorce settlement.  I started feeling guilty that we might have to go to court.  But then I realized that if I don’t stand up for what I need and deserve, who will?  Sometimes if being “nice” means allowing yourself to be mistreated, it’s not really very nice at all.

The authors warn us,

“No weapon in the arsenal of the controlling person is as strong as the guilt message.  People with poor boundaries almost always internalize guilt messages leveled at them; they obey guilt-inducing statements that try to make them feel bad….

“Do not explain or justify.  Only guilty children do that.  This is only playing into their message.  You do not owe guilt senders an explanation.  Just tell what you have chosen.  If you want to tell them why you made a certain decision to help them understand, this is okay.  If you wish to get them to not make you feel bad or to resolve your guilt, you are playing into their guilt trap.”

I also like what they have to say about blamers:

“Blamers will act as though your saying no is killing them, and they will react with a ‘How could you do this to me?’ message.  They are likely to cry, pout, or get angry.  Remember that blamers have a character problem.  If they make it sound as though their misery is because of your not giving something to them, they are blaming and demanding what is yours.  This is very different from a humble person asking out of need.  Listen to the nature of other people’s complaints; if they are trying to blame you for something they should take responsibility for, confront them.”

I wasn’t particularly impressed with the writing in this book; I still find Melody Beattie’s books more inspiring.  However, the concepts are basic and important and life-changing.  This book deserves its status as a classic.

Buy from Amazon.com

Find this review on the main site at:

www.sonderbooks.com/Nonfiction/boundaries.html

You Can Heal Your Life

by Louise L. Hay

Hay House, 2004.  First published in 1984.  251 pages.

I picked up this book from the library’s New Books shelf with some embarrassment.  I tried to carry it to my desk and check it out unobtrusively.  After all, that New Age mumbo-jumbo is ridiculous nonsense, right?  Or worse yet, with demonic roots?  What will people think if they see me reading it?

I had some of the same misgivings when I thought about reviewing this book.  But, bottom line, there are some tremendously helpful ideas in this book.  I’m definitely not the least bit worried that there might be an evil source.  Perhaps the book doesn’t seem “scientific,” and perhaps I’m not completely convinced that affirmations can heal all your diseases, but I am sure that I’ve gleaned some good from this book, and perhaps others can do the same.

The basic premise of this book is similar to teaching I found in Christel Nani’s writings:  Your deep-seated beliefs, beliefs so ingrained you think they are fact, can dramatically affect your body and your health.  You can heal your body by changing your thinking.

Now, I’m not sure how much I believe that we “choose” the things that happen to us.  However, I do find some things interesting.  When she describes the beliefs that can contribute to ailments I have had, they do ring true.

For example, soon after my husband left me, I had major gynelogical troubles.  Coincidence?  Maybe.  But I’m sure it didn’t hurt me to examine and confront my beliefs about how only bad people get divorced.  This was from Christel Nani’s writings, but the same ideas are reflected here.  Louise Hay recommends the affirmation, “I rejoice in my femaleness.  I love being a woman.  I love my body.”  Even if this does not to any good, it certainly doesn’t do any harm!  And to me, those words even feel healing.

Another example is my lifetime struggle with headaches.  Louise Hay says, “Migraine headaches are created by people who want to be perfect and who create a lot of pressure on themselves.”  Now, that description certainly fits me and has fit me since I was a child.  (And I have gotten migraines that long, too.)

However, for the past few years, also about the time my husband left me, my headaches have gotten dramatically better, and I rarely get a bad one.  Now, I’d been attributing that to a change in preventative medication.  However, in the past I’d experimented with preventative medication after preventative medication, and nothing ever worked.  Currently, I’ve used three different ones, and they have all worked beautifully.  It does make sense to suspect that something further might be going on.

If Louise Hay is right, and migraines are created by perfectionism, then I’m attributing my cure to Flylady. (http://www.flylady.org/)  Her messages about Finally Loving Yourself and “You are not behind; you do not need to catch up,” are truly healing me from perfectionism.  Maybe it’s no coincidence that my headaches left at about the same time.

I do realize that it would be dangerous to start applying these ideas to other people and their illnesses!  That’s all we need — diagnosing other people’s beliefs that are making them sick!  But for self-analysis, this book has plenty of food for thought.

Now, you may not agree that “Every thought we think is creating our future.”  However, even if you don’t agree that it goes so far, surely you can only do yourself good by doing as she recommends and releasing resentment and self-criticism.

She lists “Some Points of My Philosophy” at the front of the book.  Some that stood out to me are:

Resentment, criticism, and guilt are the most damaging patterns.

Releasing resentment will dissolve even cancer.

We must release the past and forgive everyone.

We must be willing to begin to learn to love ourselves.

I’m facing a divorce that will most likely be finalized in the next few months.  Her teachings are helping me to purpose to let go of anger and resentment about it, to choose to forgive.  And I’ve got to start my new life not looking at myself as damaged goods.

This completely fits with Christian teaching.  Forgiveness is key and God forgives us.  C. S. Lewis has stated that “Joy is the hallmark of the Christian.”  If Louise Hay is right, Joy is also a key to good health.

How do you examine your beliefs about yourself and about life?  How do you change thinking that isn’t good for you?

It does take practice.  This book is full of affirmations:  New, healing messages you can fill your mind with.

I just looked at the author’s website, http://www.louisehay.com/, and read the affirmation of the day:

“Forgiveness is a gift to myself.  I forgive, and I set myself free.”

Whether all the author’s claims are true or not, I certainly don’t think that telling yourself a message like that can do you anything but good.

Buy from Amazon.com

Find this review on the main site at:

www.sonderbooks.com/Nonfiction/you_can_heal_your_life.html

Beyond Codependency:  And Getting Better All the Time, by Melody Beattie

Harper/Hazelden, San Francisco, 1989.  252 pages.

Starred Review.

In Codependent No More, Melody Beattie explains codependency to those trapped in it, and helps them start down the road to recovery.

In Beyond Codependency, she celebrates recovery and revels in the fact that life does get better.

She says herself, “Codependent No More, my last book, was about stopping the pain and gaining control of our lives.  This book is about what to do when the pain has stopped and we’ve begun to suspect we have lives to live.  It’s about what happens next.”

As such, this is a hopeful, encouraging, and uplifting book.

Here are some examples of quotations I found helpful:

http://sonderbooks.com/sonderquotes/?s=Beyond+Codependency

Buy from Amazon.com

Find this review on the main site at:

www.sonderbooks.com/Nonfiction/beyond_codependency.html

Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie

Hazelden, 1987.  231 pages.

Sonderbooks Stand-out 2008:  #5, Personal Growth

Starred Review

Codependent No More is by now a classic work on codependency.  If you want to understand what people are talking about when they mention “struggling with codependency,” this book is a good place to turn.

My friend Doris Rauseo gave me this copy of the book when I was a newlywed.  Interesting.  I have a feeling she saw many codependent traits in me which I was oblivious to.  Though I did read it and thought it had some good ideas.  However, 20 years later, I found the book in my moving boxes, and reading it now as an abandoned wife, I could suddenly see myself clearly.

Who is a Codependent?  The author describes in the introduction how as she became a codependent she began to understand them better:

“I saw people who were hostile; they had felt so much hurt that hostility was their only defense against being crushed again.  They were that angry because anyone who had tolerated what they had would be that angry.

“They were controlling because everything around and inside them was out of control.  Always, the dam of their lives and the lives of those around them threatened to burst and spew harmful consequences on everyone.  And nobody but them seemed to notice or care.

“I saw people who manipulated because manipulation appeared to be the only way to get anything done.  I worked with people who were indirect because the systems they lived in seemed incapable of tolerating honesty.

“I worked with people who thought they were going crazy because they had believed so many lies they didn’t know what reality was.

“I saw people who had gotten so absorbed in other people’s problems they didn’t have time to identify or solve their own.  These were people who had cared so deeply, and often destructively, about other people that they had forgotten how to care about themselves.  The codependents felt responsible for so much because the people around them felt responsible for so little; they were just taking up the slack.

“I saw hurting, confused people who needed comfort, understanding, and information.”

In this book, Melody Beattie manages to convey comfort, understanding, and information.  She helps you understand what codependency is, and helps you understand why sometimes being helpful ends up being hurtful.

Best of all, she offers hope of recovery:

“Codependency is many things.  It is a dependency on people — on their moods, behaviors, sickness or well-being, and their love.  It is a paradoxical dependency.  Codependents appear to be depended upon, but they are dependent.  They look strong but feel helpless.  They appear controlling but in reality are controlled themselves, sometimes by an illness such as alcoholism.

“These are the issues that dictate recovery.  It is solving these problems that makes recovery fun.  Many recoveries from problems that involve a person’s mind, emotions, and spirit are long and grueling.  Not so, here.  Except for normal human emotions we would be feeling anyway, and twinges of discomfort as we begin to behave differently, recovery from codependency is exciting.  It is liberating.  It lets us be who we are.  It lets other people be who they are.  It helps us own our God-given power to think, feel, and act.  It feels good.  It brings peace.  It enables us to love ourselves and others.  It allows us to receive love — some of the good stuff we’ve all been looking for.  It provides an optimum environment for the people around us to get and stay healthy.  And recovery helps stop the unbearable pain many of us have been living with.

“Recovery is not only fun, it is simple.  It is not always easy, but it is simple.  It is based on a premise many of us have forgotten or never learned:  Each person is responsible for him- or herself.  It involves learning one new behavior that we will devote ourselves to:  taking care of ourselves.  In the second half of this book, we’ll discuss specific ideas for doing that.”

This is a helpful, encouraging, and liberating book.

Here are more quotations that struck me as I read it:

http://sonderbooks.com/sonderquotes/?s=Codependent+No+more

Buy from Amazon.com

This review is posted on the main site at:

www.sonderbooks.com/Nonfiction/codependent_no_more.html

Overcoming Passive-Aggression

How to Stop Hidden Anger from Spoiling Your Relationships, Career and Happiness

by Tim Murphy, PhD, and Loriann Hoff Oberlin

Although this book wasn’t quite as helpful as the book Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man, by Scott Wetzler, by seeming a little more glib in the solutions offered, it still shed valuable light on the problem.

The authors describe passive-aggression as rooted in hidden anger.  So taking a closer look at the behaviors resulting from passive-aggression help to blow away the cover.

Here is what they say about hidden anger:

“Hidden anger is:

– Indirect, incongruent, and unproductive behavior

– Subtle, manipulative actions or inactivity

– Consciously planned, intentional, or slyly vindictive; or it can be unconscious

– Part of a dysfunctional pattern of dealing with others

– Allowing the perpetrator to deny responsibility for it and often appear as the victim

– Stalling because it doesn’t move toward resolution; it blocks resolution

– Motivated by the intent to hurt, annoy, or destroy

– Triggered by needs that haven’t been met or based upon irrational fears/beliefs

– Never positive because of its manipulative and indirect nature

– Toxic to relationships and groups of people, especially over time

– Self-perpetuating, powerful, and rarely, if ever, appropriate

Rest assured, if hidden anger is unleashed upon you, you will likely end up feeling like the bad character.  You know there is a problem.  You can sense it.  Only, it nags at you because you’re not sure who is responsible, why it’s happening, and what to do about it.”

This book is helpful because it will help open your eyes to underlying anger, whether in yourself or others, so it can no longer be hidden. 

The authors help you understand why hidden anger is harmful, and gives you ideas for changing.  They also discuss “enablers,” people caught in a cycle of behavior that encourages someone else to continue their passive-aggressive behavior.  They give strategies for breaking out of the cycle, in many different situations.

The authors do point out that hidden anger is a huge and pervasive problem in separation and divorce.

“Though plenty of people having separated or divorced may claim, ‘I’m not angry,’ neither of us has really encountered anyone unscathed by this process.  Unless the union and all you’d done with your life in the company of this person meant absolutely nothing to you, the anger is there all right, only it may remain hidden.

“In my practice, I met parents telling me that their son or daughter was fine with their getting a divorce.  In 99.9 percent of the cases, I’m afraid that just wasn’t so.  The child may not show any visible signs, but rest assured there is some deep emotion there.  It was either very visible or extremely well-hidden anger.

“But as we’ve said so often, if you’ve contributed somehow to your anger or to your children’s anger, then you have a greater capacity to be part of the solution as well.  It’s probably nowhere more important than in divorced families.  When you don’t do this important growth work — encouraging your children to do the same — learning to openly communicate and move beyond silenced anger, that’s when we see children caught in the middle of a silent, or subtly antagonistic war between their parents.”

All in all, this is an eye-opening and helpful book.  Because passive-aggression is about hiding anger, reading a book to understand it better is definitely a step in the right direction.

Buy from Amazon.com

This review is posted on the main site at:

www.sonderbooks.com/Nonfiction/overcoming_passive_aggression.html

 

Living With the Passive-Aggressive Man:  Coping with this frustrating miscommunication between women and men, by Scott Wetzler, Ph.D.

Simon & Schuster, New York, 1992.  207 pages.

ISBN:  0-671-76791-7

My husband used to freely admit to being passive-aggressive.  In fact, I wasn’t very familiar with the term until he used it more than once to describe himself.

Reading this book has been tremendously helpful in helping me understand how his wanting a divorce could have so completely blind-sided me.  With hindsight, I can see the anger sitting below the surface.  At the time, I believed the coverups.

It also helps me keep from feeling jealous about any new relationships he might form:  They will still have to deal with passive-aggression.  A new woman won’t make it go away.

And, best of all, it helps me know what to expect in my dealings with my husband as the divorce happens, and gives me the strength to opt out of any passive-aggressive games.  This book is empowering.

The author tells why he has written a book about passive aggression:

“The answer is simple:  passive-aggressive behavior fractures relationships that would otherwise thrive….

“This book is for women like you, who deal with, live with, have been hurt by and have hope for this unique character: the passive-aggressive man.  If you love such a man, then you know him as someone who never seems to love you back fully; he promises but rarely delivers.  He sees himself as a casualty of recurrent misunderstandings, a bundle of intricately overlapping layers of behaviors no one can penetrate.  What makes his personality confusing is that he’s passive, coaxing, elusive, but also aggressively resistant to you, to intimacy, to responsibility and reason.

“Right now, confused by his behavior, you may be doubting yourself, not him….  But passive-aggression is an understandable psychological pattern — anger its driving force, and fear its hidden secret.  As you read this book and recognize the pattern, you will be less confused by the passive-aggressive men in your life and the games they play.  The ultimate success or failure of your relationship will be how the two of you willingly deal with his — and your — problems.

“As you gain some perspective on the passive-aggressive personality, you can laugh about his games and loop-the-loop logic.  You can take him or leave him, and decide what’s best for yourself.”

Dr. Wetzler helps you understand what’s going on and helps you have the ability to opt out of the games. 

He also talks about what kind of women fall for passive-aggressive men, particularly Victims, Managers, and Rescuers.  His explanation of our behavior is convicting and eye-opening, and he has ideas for stopping the cycle of behavior that feeds passive-aggression in the one we love.  Not that we are responsible for this behavior — but he helps us see how we inadvertently feed it.

I do like the author’s summary of what you most need to understand:

“– A passive-aggressive man is responsible for how he feels, no matter how persuasively he denies those feelings rather than accepting them.

“– A passive-aggressive man is in charge of the choices he makes, good and bad.  The same is true for you.

“– You must be clear about your expectations in a relationship with a passive-aggressive man, communicate them, enforce whatever limits you set and get out, if necessary.”

Dr. Wetzler also reminds us:  “Throughout, I’ve spoken in great detail about the feelings and attitudes that comprise passive-aggression.  I wanted to help you understand, too, that even though you care about him, you’re not responsible for a passive-aggressive man’s problems or how he reacts to you.  Most of all, I wanted to confirm that you are not responsible for getting him to change.  While your emotional support is important, getting him to understand his behavior and make changes are the jobs of a therapist.”

A helpful, enlightening, and empowering book.

Find this review on the main site at:

www.sonderbooks.com/Nonfiction/passive_aggressive_man.html

 

Reviewed February 19, 2008.
Morgan Road Books, New York, 2007. 269 pages.
Starred Review.
Sonderbooks Stand-out 2008: #2, Relationships

One thing I learned from reading The Script and from talking with many women whose husbands left them: In such a situation, the relationship is going to get overcome by lies. The whole “Script” is based on asserting that it is all the wife’s fault that the husband is cheating.

Many people in broken relationships find that even worse than the betrayal itself is the knowledge that the one you love lied to you over and over and over again. If you are accustomed to believing this person (and you certainly should be), then the lies, which become more and more outrageous, are crazy-making.

When her husband finally admitted his adultery, one friend found that all she could say was, “I thought I was crazy!” Trying to believe lies coming from the one you love–lies designed to shift the blame off of him to you–is demoralizing and devastating.

The Gaslight Effect is a powerful and moving book, showing how emotional manipulation can grow from subtle beginnings–and how to break free.

The book gets its name from the classic movie starring Ingrid Bergman:

Dr. Stern shows us examples of gaslighters in many different situations: lovers, spouses, parents, and bosses can all be gaslighters.

Dr. Stern assures us that even capable, confident women and men fall into the role of gaslightee, much to their own astonishment–if they even realize why they are so demoralized.

It does take two for the Gaslight Effect to happen.

This book is eye-opening. She shows how the gaslighting goes in stages. You begin with disbelief, thinking you’ve misunderstood, or that the gaslighter didn’t really mean it. In the second stage, you start defending yourself.

The third, exhausting, overwhelming stage is depression. “At this point, you are actively trying to prove that your gaslighter is right, because then maybe you could do things his way and finally win his approval.

The third stage is epitomized by the woman apologizing profusely, repeatedly and obsessively to her husband for what he claims is years of bad behavior as she desperately begs him to forgive her–but nothing she can possibly say or do will ever win his forgiveness. However, he honestly comes to believe–and does everything he can to convince her–that she simply did not measure up, and he could not stay married to someone like her. That’s a much more comfortable story than the idea that he betrayed her.

Dr. Stern illuminates the whole process. She lets you understand how it can happen, even between two good people.

But the real power in this book is that she teaches you how to stop the gaslighting.

I like it that Dr. Stern doesn’t simply tell you to leave such a relationship. She helps you figure out if you can end the gaslighting but keep the relationship, or not. Especially crucial is that she shows you that you have the power to stop the gaslighting even if the one doing the gaslighting doesn’t cooperate.

There are some good tips for opting out of gaslighting on small levels as well as on big levels.

I love that illustration, because once my three-year-old son threw a temper tantrum for a full hour in the middle of the night because he wanted to “stay up all night and all day”! That actually caused me much less turmoil than when he had protested against naptime. I felt very ambivalent about the naps–He seemed to be outgrowing the need for them. However, when he told his plan about staying up all night and all day, I didn’t question my grasp of the facts for a moment. Although I wanted him to stop crying so I could go to sleep, I definitely didn’t try to argue with him, and there was no self-doubt whatsoever.

If your husband tells you that you threatened to leave him when you know full well that you never intended any such thing–why debate? Though maybe he misunderstood your words, there is no reason to argue about your motives. You know what they were, and it’s time to simply tell him that you disagree and refuse to engage in debate. Perhaps that would be a good time to picture a raging toddler in your mind. It’s not a time for reasoning.

Dr. Stern gives many strategies and ideas to try to empower you to be able to opt out of arguments which only mire you in gaslighting.

If your friends tell you that you are sticking up for your gaslighter too much, you may have moved into stage 2 of gaslighting, where “instead of starting with your own perspective, you start with his.”

If you’re busy thinking how your jealousy or maybe your lack of understanding helped your husband slip into a “friendship” with someone at work, you’re not in a healthy place. “It may even feel normal to be constantly on the defensive. When your gaslighter overreacts, you no longer wonder, ‘What’s wrong with him?’ Instead, you jump either to placate him or defend yourself.”

Gaslighting isn’t always as serious as cheating. Dr. Stern tells us about many different types of gaslighters, like the “Glamour Gaslighter” who is all charm and sweetness on the surface. But if he gives a gift that you don’t like, or maybe is in the mood for romance when you’re not, suddenly you’re inadequate, you’re the bad person.

Another surprising type is the “Good Guy Gaslighter.” “It looks like he’s being cooperative, pleasant, and helpful, but you still end up feeling confused and frustrated.” This type is going through the motions on the outside, but “when he gives in, you feel that it’s not so much because he cares about your feelings as because he wants to prove what a good guy he is. You end up thinking you must be crazy, ungrateful, or incapable of being satisfied, because, after all, he’s such a great guy.”

This category also includes spouses who “give in” and do something they clearly don’t want to do, then hold it over your head.

Again, Dr. Stern offers a solution, and helps you work out how you can do it in your own situation. “Let’s see what happens when you stop worrying about his approval, refuse to idealize your guy, and hold on to your own reality, even in the face of his need always to be right.”

Dr. Stern describes Stage 3 as “When defeat feels normal.”

As she describes Stage 3 gaslighting, I still found the Glamour Gaslighter and the Good-Guy Gaslighter the most eye-opening. They sound so nice. Even reading the description it’s hard to see what’s wrong with that approach–yet clearly that’s what makes this behavior so crazy-making.

Why do we stay? “As long as any part of you believes you need your gaslighter to feel better about yourself, to boost your confidence, or to bolster your sense of who you are in the world, you leave yourself open for gaslighting.”

Another convicting insight:

I was convicted when I read that, because I cling to the idea that I made a vow, and that vow was for better or worse.

But when I read this book, I had to realize that no, I’m not supposed to tolerate anything. Am I trying to get to the place where unfaithfulness and abandonment don’t bother me? No, that’s not a healthy relationship.

My goal should definitely not be to get to a place where lies don’t bother me, or to get to a place where I let my husband tell me what I should be feeling.

This is not about pretending that everything’s fine when it clearly isn’t.

Here’s what we seem to be wishing for, when we stay with a man who is lying and cheating:

Of course, the important part of the book is where Dr. Stern helps us learn how to turn off the gas.

She doesn’t pretend that this process is easy or quick. However, she does encourage us:

Dr. Stern’s insights help a gaslightee understand how they contributed to the gaslighting. However, she warns us:

One of the final steps in shutting off the gas is one that a dear mentor has been trying to drum into me from the beginning of my problems with my husband. “Remember that you can’t control anyone’s opinion–even if you’re right!”

Dr. Stern speaks from personal experience in this section:

I found this book inspiring, thought-provoking, eye-opening, and tremendously helpful.

It helped me understand some of the things that went wrong in my marriage.

And it gave me hope that I can break out of some of those old patterns.

Maybe best of all, it reminded me that I am a valuable, worthwhile person totally apart from my romantic relationship. That breaking up a relationship does not diminish me as a person–and may even build me up. That it’s not about me being forgiving enough or loving enough to not be bothered by a bad situation.

This book helps me face life with hope and joy.

Like The Script, it casts the light of truth on a bad situation, motivating change.

This review is posted on the main website at:

www.sonderbooks.com/Nonfiction/gaslight_effect.html

 

Reviewed February 2, 2008.
Conari Press, San Francisco, 2007. 220 pages.

Here are 50 practical tips for handling life’s transitions from a group of friends who has been through more than their share of transitions.

These ladies learned life’s lessons the hard way—and now they offer up their own wisdom, and the wisdom of others, for the rest of us to learn from. They do so with bucketfuls of grace and humor.

Their tips are practical and helpful. For example:

When left on the tarmac, begin to walk.
Be willing to make great mistakes.
Give up thinking you can do it all.
Create “to-don’t” lists.
Trust in God, but row away from the rocks.
Know it’s the obstacles in the stream that make it sing.
Let yourself cry when Tinkerbell dies.
Recognize that chocolate melts in order to take a new form.
Don’t complain, create.
When dreams turn to dust, vacuum.

The tips are even more charming when combined with the stories and wisdom and humor offered along with them.

This is a lovely and empowering book. I especially recommend it for women going through a time of transition. (Most of us?) We will make it through, and we can be all the better for the experience. This book will help you survive and thrive.

 

You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore  

Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One

by Steven Stosny, PhD

Reviewed March 5, 2006.
Free Press, New York, 2006. 364 pages.
Starred Review.
Sonderbooks Stand-out 2007: #1, Personal Growth

I’m starting to be amazed at how the exactly right book keeps coming into my life at exactly the right time. It makes sense. God of course knows me, and knows that the easiest way to get a message to me that I need to hear is to send it my way in a book. So I’m calling them my “current book from God.” As soon as I finish one, another comes my way. With this book, as soon as I’d gotten about a third of the way through, I liked it so much, I decided to order myself a copy, so I could go through it slowly, doing all the exercises.

This book is not at all as combative as the title sounds. As Dr. Stosny says,

These are huge promises. But reading his methods for transforming your own resentment into compassion, I am convinced that they can work. This is truly about overcoming evil with good.

Now, his solution for a resentful husband is for him to read the “Boot Camp” section of this book. Though that might not be feasible, you can still use the techniques yourself to not react to blame and resentment with your own anger and resentment. As Steven Stosny says, “Compassion directly activates your core value—the most important things about you. In your deepest values, you act with conviction and strength. Compassion is power.” If you give up resentment and choose instead to be compassionate, there is no question that you are going to feel better and more powerful than if you vow to make him pay for whatever he’s done.

What’s more, Dr. Stosny has specific techniques, with the acronym HEALS, to teach you to react to a core hurt with compassion rather than with anger. I’m only beginning to practice it, but I’m already very impressed with it. This is so much better than getting angry and storing up retorts or ways to get even. Compassion and forgiveness are better for your body and soul than resentment and blame.

He isn’t talking about being a doormat.

This book doesn’t promise it will get your spouse to change. It advises you, “Focus on what you can control—your ability to improve, appreciate, connect, or protect—rather than what you cannot control, such as the opinions and behavior of your husband.”

If you’re having trouble feeling worthy of love, Dr. Stosny tells the secret: “Here’s the hot and hard truth: Only your own loving behavior can make you feel worthy of love. It’s not rocket science. The only way to feel lovable is to be loving and compassionate.” And he helps you learn to do that.

This is a wonderful book. I highly recommend it to anyone who’s ever felt any resentment toward anyone! I also ordered from Amazon two other books by Steven Stosny that teach the HEALS technique, Manual of the Core Value Workshop, and The Powerful Self. I want to learn these techniques, because I believe that they will make me a more compassionate and forgiving person, as well as a much happier person.

As Dr. Stosny says, “Whether or not he changes, you must connect with your enormous inner value, resources, and personal power to stop walking on eggshells and to emerge as the richly creative, beautiful whole person you truly are.”

You can learn more about Steven Stosny’s work at the website http://www.compassionpower.com/.

This review is posted on the main site at www.sonderbooks.com/Nonfiction/donthavetotakeit.html

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