Unenforceable Rules

Nearly all relationship problems begin when our partners break an unenforceable rule.  Your frustrated attempt to enforce such a rule is at the root of your anger toward your loved one.  Feelings of anger, helplessness, or depression are all indications that you are trying to enforce something that cannot be enforced.  Your anger is telling you that things are not working out the way you want them to.  These situations are painful because you are not able to control them, even though you try over and over to do so….

If most of your partner’s actions cause you a good deal of emotional distress, you may be trying to enforce an unenforceable rule.  We cling to our unenforceable rules and refuse to accept our partner’s mistakes, flaws, and disagreeable traits, thinking that we should not have to put up with them.  This is like clinging to the anchor of a ship you fell off of.  As you gasp your last breath, you’re still complaining that the anchor was there to keep your boat safe, and damn it, dragging you to the bottom of the sea isn’t helping.  The anchor is wrong.  It hasn’t read the anchor rulebook and doesn’t know the right way to do its job….

When you try and fail to enforce one of your unenforceable rules, you become angry, bitter, despondent, and helpless.  Trying to force something that you cannot control to go your way is an exercise in frustration.  You can’t force your spouse to love you or to stop cheating; nor can you force your kids to treat you respectfully.  The more unenforceable rules you have, the more likely you are to feel agitated and disappointed with your marriage.  When you cling to unenforceable rules, you leave yourself open to pain every time one of them is broken.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 111-112

The Feeding of the Five Thousand

Another important part of the miracle is Jesus’ concern for the fragments, because he is always concerned about the broken things, the broken people.  Only when we realize that we are indeed broken, that we are not independent, that we cannot do it ourselves, can we turn to God and take that which he has given to us, no matter what it is, and create with it.

— Madeleine L’Engle, The Rock That Is Higher, quoted in Glimpses of Grace, compiled by Carole F. Chase, p. 63

Reading and Travel

There are some who say that sitting at home reading is the equivalent of travel, because the experiences described in the book are more or less the same as the experiences one might have on a voyage, and there are those who say that there is no substitute for venturing out into the world.  My own opinion is that it is best to travel extensively but to read the entire time, hardly glancing up to look out of the window of the airplane, train, or hired camel.

— Lemony Snicket, Horseradish, p. 85

Our Way of Living

If we believe that God has given us everything, then giving will be our way of living.  We’ll still work to earn, because the gift of work is the primary means by which God gives what we have.  But earning and possessing will become folded into giving.  God gives us life, powers, abilities, and so we earn and possess.  We’ll earn and possess so we can give, as when we share our food with the hungry; we’ll give even while earning, as when we create goods and offer services with dedication, care, and wisdom; and we’ll give even by possessing, as when we open our home for others to enjoy.  Earning and possessing are not just a bridge between our desires and their satisfaction.  They are a midpoint in the flow of gifts:  from God to us, and through us to others.  We give because we have been given to; we don’t let others simply fend for themselves because we haven’t been left to fend for ourselves.

— Miroslav Volf, Free of Charge:  Giving and Forgiving in a Culture Stripped of Grace, p. 107-108

No Gray Grudge Areas

Jesus eliminates any gray areas for grudges.  In fact He says that our attitude is to be so far removed from avenging ourselves that we are willing to open ourselves to the possibility of being taken advantage of again.

— John Bevere, The Bait of Satan, p. 137

Openness

You still need to be open with your partner about the things he or she does that are hurtful, offensive, or selfish.  You don’t have to be a martyr about it.  A strong, healthy relationship needs open communication, and letting your partner know how he or she is hurting the relationship is necessary for things to improve.  The important thing is to forgive your lover before you initiate that talk.  Then you can talk openly and pleasantly, without anger….

Forgiveness does not solve every problem.  But it does reduce the intensity of emotional distress so that our problems can be talked about and solved if possible.  Blaming our partners for not being the person we want them to be creates anger in both us and them.  This anger causes stress.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 105-107

What Would a Perfect Person Want With Us?

I am trying to remind you to be humble about your own flaws and to remember that you too regularly require forgiveness.  If you want a successful relationship, you need to be gentle with the inevitable flaws of your lover.  I also want you to understand that dealing kindly with the mistakes and wounds of your partner is how you open yourself up to true love….  Coming home to a passionate sex partner who was also a great cook, hard worker, high wage earner, good communicator, and all-round fabulous person would be great.  The problem with that scenario is twofold.  First, what would such a perfect person want with us, and second, how would we learn to really love if our needs were always met with a smile?  It is easy to love those who never test us because they are always giving and never in a bad mood.  It is difficult to love real people because they ask us to give and give and forgive and be humble….

There must be something we need to learn from our partners’ weaknesses and our own weaknesses.  It may be that when we love our partners in a way that includes their differences and flaws, we go deep enough to create an enduring partnership.  When we are cruel and dismissive about our differences and our partners’ weaknesses, we impose our fantasy of how a lover should be on a live human being….  Forgiveness emerges once we accept the challenge of loving the real person we are with.  Only then can we begin to develop a deep and lasting partnership.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 105

The Obvious Answer

One of the world’s tiresome questions is what object one would bring to a desert island, because people always answer “a deck of cards” or “Anna Karenina” when the obvious answer is “a well-equipped boat and a crew to sail me off the island and back home where I can play all the card games and read all the Russian novels I want.”

— Lemony Snicket, Horseradish:  Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid, p. 67