Sonderquotes

Forgiveness Like the Father

Administrator — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 02:30:17 +0000

It is through constant forgiveness that we become like the Father. Forgiveness from the heart is very, very difficult. It is next to impossible. Jesus said to his disciples: “When your brother wrongs you seven times a day and seven times comes back to you and says, ‘I am sorry,’ you must forgive him.”

I have often said, “I forgive you,” but even as I said these words my heart remained angry or resentful. I still wanted to hear the story that tells me that I was right after all; I still wanted to hear apologies and excuses; I still wanted the statisfaction of receiving some praise in return — if only the praise for being so forgiving!

But God’s forgiveness is unconditional; it comes from a heart that does not demand anything for itself, a heart that is completely empty of self-seeking. It is this divine forgivenss that I have to practice in my daily life. It calls me to keep stepping over all my arguments that say forgiveness is unwise, unhealthy, and impractical. It challenges me to step over all my needs for gratitude and compliments. Finally, it demands of me that I step over that wounded part of my heart that feels hurt and wronged and that wants to stay in control and put a few conditions between me and the one whom I am asked to forgive.

This “stepping over” is the authentic discipline of forgiveness. Maybe it is more “climbing over” than “stepping over.” Often I have to climb over the wall of arguments and angry feelings that I have erected between myself and all those whom I love but who so often do not return that love. It is a wall of fear of being used or hurt again. It is a wall of pride, and the desire to stay in control. But every time that I can step or climb over that wall, I enter into the house where the Father dwells, and there touch my neighbor with genuine compassionate love.

– Henri J. M. Nouwen, The Return of the Prodigal Son, p. 129-130

Unwise Trust

Administrator — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 01:08:12 +0000

No one has felt hurt due to compassion, although many people have been harmed by unwise trust. Compassion makes us less likely to trust unwisely, as it provides deeper understanding of the danger presented by those unable to regulate core hurts.

– Steven Stosny, Manual of the Core Value Workshop, p. 36

Care and Protection

Administrator — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 02:28:09 +0000

But a person with a shattered life . . . doesn’t first need Christ to forgive her or to forgive through her. Before anything else, she needs Christ to cradle her, to nurse her with the milk of divine love, to hold her in his arms like an inestimable gem, to sing her songs of gentle care and firm protection, and to restore her to herself as a beloved and treasured being.

And that’s what Christ does.

– Miroslav Volf, Free of Charge, p. 206

Opportunities for Practice

Administrator — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 03:08:37 +0000

Your marriage gives you untold opportunities to practice kinder speech and more forgiving attitudes. Your lover will be gracious enough to challenge your assumptions and courageous enough to be different from you. You can trust me on this.

– Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 206

Speaking to Others with Kindness

Administrator — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 02:54:22 +0000

Whenever possible, you want to speak of your lover and your relationship with kindness. That is the overarching message of this book. Look for any way you can be kind to the person you share your life with. Don’t be tempted to say nasty things when your lover screws up or to put your lover down when he or she fails…. Setting boundaries and expressing ourselves is good, but talking about our relationship negatively and highlighting our lover’s failings is bad….

Remember that what comes out of your mouth says more about your character than it does about your partner’s…. We think that we are describing our lover’s weaknesses, but our words and actions are actually showing our own….

The truth is that we can choose how we talk to and about our partner. Sadly, many people choose to discuss their lover negatively…. A lot of relationships struggle with the cost of holding a grudge and the sense of blame it causes. Getting rid of the blame quickly and regularly is hugely important if you want your relationship to thrive and move forward.

Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 201-203

Positive Intention

Administrator — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 02:13:02 +0000

The good news is that as we connect to our positive intention, we begin to find forgiveness. Forgiveness is the compassion we experience as we remind ourselves that by driving a car — having a relationship — we run the risk of a breakdown. Forgiveness is the power we get as we assert that we have a deep well of resilience to draw upon. Forgiveness is the grace that helps us remember to look around while we’re on the side of the road and appreciate our beautiful surroundings and the people we love. To help forgiveness emerge, we can learn to see ourselves from the point of view of our positive intention, not primarily as a wounded or rejected lover.

– Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 190

Repaying with Kindness

Administrator — Mon, 05 May 2008 23:51:39 +0000

Mma Ramotswe was right: evil repaid with retribution, with punishment, had achieved half its goal; evil repaid with kindness was shown to be what it really was, a small, petty thing, not something frightening at all, but something pitiable, a paltry affair.

– Alexander McCall Smith, The Miracle at Speedy Motors

The Eyes of Love

Administrator — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 21:23:17 +0000

We make an agreement with ourselves to look at our partners, as much as possible, through the eyes of love. The eyes of love reveal our partners to be wounded individuals who make mistakes, not terrible people trying to do harm.

– Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 150

Our Way of Living

Administrator — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 02:45:25 +0000

If we believe that God has given us everything, then giving will be our way of living. We’ll still work to earn, because the gift of work is the primary means by which God gives what we have. But earning and possessing will become folded into giving. God gives us life, powers, abilities, and so we earn and possess. We’ll earn and possess so we can give, as when we share our food with the hungry; we’ll give even while earning, as when we create goods and offer services with dedication, care, and wisdom; and we’ll give even by possessing, as when we open our home for others to enjoy. Earning and possessing are not just a bridge between our desires and their satisfaction. They are a midpoint in the flow of gifts: from God to us, and through us to others. We give because we have been given to; we don’t let others simply fend for themselves because we haven’t been left to fend for ourselves.

– Miroslav Volf, Free of Charge: Giving and Forgiving in a Culture Stripped of Grace, p. 107-108

What Would a Perfect Person Want With Us?

Administrator — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 02:48:06 +0000

I am trying to remind you to be humble about your own flaws and to remember that you too regularly require forgiveness. If you want a successful relationship, you need to be gentle with the inevitable flaws of your lover. I also want you to understand that dealing kindly with the mistakes and wounds of your partner is how you open yourself up to true love…. Coming home to a passionate sex partner who was also a great cook, hard worker, high wage earner, good communicator, and all-round fabulous person would be great. The problem with that scenario is twofold. First, what would such a perfect person want with us, and second, how would we learn to really love if our needs were always met with a smile? It is easy to love those who never test us because they are always giving and never in a bad mood. It is difficult to love real people because they ask us to give and give and forgive and be humble….

There must be something we need to learn from our partners’ weaknesses and our own weaknesses. It may be that when we love our partners in a way that includes their differences and flaws, we go deep enough to create an enduring partnership. When we are cruel and dismissive about our differences and our partners’ weaknesses, we impose our fantasy of how a lover should be on a live human being…. Forgiveness emerges once we accept the challenge of loving the real person we are with. Only then can we begin to develop a deep and lasting partnership.

– Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 105