Sonderquotes

Forgiveness as a Way of Being

Forgiveness is an aspect of the workings of love.  It can be a bridge back from hatred and alienation as well as a liberation from two kinds of hell: bitterness and victimhood on one side; guilt, shame, and self-recrimination on the other.  The wish to repair a wounded relationship, whether it takes the form of forgiveness, apology, or some other bridging gesture, is a basic human impulse.  The need to forgive — which may grow out of understanding, gratitude, sympathy, regret over the hurt one has caused, or simply a wish to reunite — may be as strong as the need to be forgiven, even if it comes upon us more subtly.

All sustained relationships depend to some extent on forgiveness.  Successful marriage means an inevitable round of disappointment, anger, withdrawal, repair.  People hurt each other no matter how much love they share, and it’s a truism that the greatest hurts are meted out by the closest of intimates.  No friendship, no marriage, no family connections of any kind would last if the silent reparative force of forgiveness were not working almost constantly to counteract the incessant corrosive effects of resentment and bitterness, which would otherwise tear us apart.  Without forgiveness there could be no allowance for human frailty.  We would keep moving on, searching for perfect connections with mythical partners who would never hurt or disappoint.  In that sense, forgiveness should be thought of not only as a discrete event but also as a way of being.

– Robert Karen, PhD, The Forgiving Self: The Road from Resentment to Connection, p. 5-6

Synergy of Honesty

When the going gets tough, the tough get honest.  Lying and evading is the easy way out; honesty takes effort.  For one person, putting effort into the relationship means speaking up when feeling fragile.  For another, it means listening to a partner rather than bulldozing.  What is easy for one person may be a challenge for the other.

Usually those aspects of ourselves that we try to conceal — our personal demons — do shade how we come across.  We like to believe that what we lock away won’t affect us.  Actually, it’s like a radioactive leak:  Most of the time it does.

For many people, the hardest thing to say to a spouse is “I’m angry at you.”  They may feel it; they may communicate it obliquely, but they won’t admit to it.  The anger strikes too close to taboo emotions.  This may frustrate the other person because the anger is intuited but never confirmed….

When your partner doesn’t recoil from your darker feelings it kickstarts your own acceptance of yourself, and your own self-acceptance helps you to create a stronger bond.

By the Together as Two Stage, you can say to your partner, “It terrifies me to say this, but I have to tell you that I’m furious with you.”  The other person breathes a sign of relief because your words are congruent with what you portray.  Finally, the anger is out there!  At that moment, you and your partner are on the way to a special kind of synergy, primed for the type of healing only couples can give each other.

Because marriage is so interdependent, the growth potential is enormous — not by pleading or demanding, nor sitting at a drawing board, but through the models of integrity you provide for each other.  You can’t develop intimacy without involving and evolving yourself. . . .  You don’t generate growth, intimacy, or maturity from being polite to each other for fifty years.

– Ellyn Bader, PhD, and Peter T. Pearson, PhD, Tell Me No Lies, p. 214-216

Give Yourself a Break

It is important to be gentle with and accepting of yourself throughout your relationship.  You are just as flawed, misguided, and hurtful as your lover, and you both need a good dose of TLC.  While the idea of self-forgiveness might be a “duh” to many of you, the point still needs to be made.  Self-forgiveness enables you to move on with kindness after grieving your flaws and the ways you have hurt your lover.  When you forgive yourself, you look for your good qualities, appreciate the love you offer, and accept with humility the harm you cause.  You also change your story to reflect your positive intention and your effort to do the best you can with what you have to work with.

Self-forgiveness is not that different from forgiving your partner. . . .

Nobody is perfect, and everybody will make many mistakes.  Some of us make mistakes that cause harm, and others make mistakes that only cause a mess.  Because you and your partner are human beings, you will make mistakes, fail occasionally, and sometimes even harm other people.  Your need to be perfect is an unenforceable rule, one that can never be met.  Needing to never hurt your lover is an unenforceable rule.  Demanding that you always be successful in all aspects of your relationship is an unenforceable rule.  When you accept that you are human, you are able to offer forgiveness to yourself and remember that you have the resources at your disposal to improve yourself and help others.

– Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 209-210, 215

Opportunities for Practice

Your marriage gives you untold opportunities to practice kinder speech and more forgiving attitudes.  Your lover will be gracious enough to challenge your assumptions and courageous enough to be different from you.  You can trust me on this.

– Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 206

Positive Intention

Positive intention is shorthand for talking about why you want your relationship to succeed, or what you are going to do to make it work, or how you can grow from a challenging experience.  It is the opposite of complaining.  Positive intention helps you see the big picture of a successful relationship and stops you from focusing on the little picture of disappointment or grievance. . . .  I want you to share stories with yourself, with your loved one, and with your friends and family that reflect a strong and positive commitment to your marriage.  These stories do not have to be long or detailed, but they should anchor your relationship in the idea of goodness and the continued possibility of success.

– Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 204

Empowering Yourself

Recognize that what your partner does is a problem, but it’s not the problem.  The problem is how you react to what your partner does.  If you make your partner the problem, all you can do is hope that he changes or try to get him to change.  That’s a disempowered position.  As you increase your ability to respond to the negative things your partner does, you are going to empower yourself and increase your own self-esteem.  This single concept is the driving principle behind almost all books on improving relationships.

– Ellyn Bader, PhD, and Peter T. Pearson, PhD, Tell Me No Lies, p. 141

Boundaries in Marriage

Remember that a boundary always deals with yourself, not the other person.  You are not demanding that your spouse do something — even respect your boundaries.  You are setting boundaries to say what you will do or will not do.  Only these kinds of boundaries are enforceable, for you do have control over yourself.  Do not confuse boundaries with a new way to control a spouse.  It is the opposite.  It is giving up control and beginning to love.  You are giving up trying to control your spouse and allowing him to take responsibility for his behavior.

In a marriage, as in no other relationship, the need for revealing your boundaries is important.  Passive boundaries, such as withdrawal, triangulation, pouting, affairs, and passive-aggressive behavior, are extremely destructive to a relationship.  Passive ways of showing people that they do not have control over you never lead to intimacy.  They never educate the other on who you really are; they only estrange.

Boundaries need to be communicated first verbally and then with actions.

Speaking to Others with Kindness

Whenever possible, you want to speak of your lover and your relationship with kindness.  That is the overarching message of this book.  Look for any way you can be kind to the person you share your life with.  Don’t be tempted to say nasty things when your lover screws up or to put your lover down when he or she fails….  Setting boundaries and expressing ourselves is good, but talking about our relationship negatively and highlighting our lover’s failings is bad….

Remember that what comes out of your mouth says more about your character than it does about your partner’s….  We think that we are describing our lover’s weaknesses, but our words and actions are actually showing our own….

The truth is that we can choose how we talk to and about our partner.  Sadly, many people choose to discuss their lover negatively….  A lot of relationships struggle with the cost of holding a grudge and the sense of blame it causes.  Getting rid of the blame quickly and regularly is hugely important if you want your relationship to thrive and move forward.

Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 201-203

Listening

Go on the presumption that your partner has a bigger picture.  You may not see it now, and it may not be logical, but it will make emotional sense if you can allow yourself to hear her story.  You have a better chance of learning that story if you can continue asking questions like, “In addition to anger, what else do you feel? . . . And what else?”

Don’t get stuck on getting your point heard.  In Seething Stalemate, you tend to put the bulk of your energy into coercing your partner to hear your side.  Once you give that up, you’re likely to obtain clearer focus of what the argument is really about.

– Ellyn Bader, PhD, and Peter T. Pearson, PhD, Tell Me No Lies, p. 141

Recommitting

A good relationship is worth the effort of letting go of an annoying trait in your partner and being as kind as possible to this person you are connected to.  Those two ideas are central to your marriage vows.  A marriage is a choice to recommit to your partner every day.  Every spouse, whether recovering from a brutal betrayal or simply dealing with a sloppy partner, decides every day wehter to get up and dance with that partner again.  Every marriage goes through periods when each partner is not sure about continuing it. . . .  Forgiveness is based upon a continual recommitment to your relationship.  Forgiveness comes after grieving your losses, and it allows you to move forward in your relationship with happiness and a positive attitude.  This is true whether the losses were big (your spouse is a drug addict) or little (your lazy partner never does the grocery run) or somewhere in between — as when you accept the fact that you married a slob, you have grieved the neat person you should have married, and you have recommitted to the lovable human being you chose to be with.

Recommitting is an ongoing process; you have to recommit every time your lover says the same dumb thing again and you react with your same exasperated sigh.  You have to recommit when your lover is late yet again, or leaves a cheap tip for the third time in a week.  If your partner does something annoying but ultimately insignificant, acknowledge your dismay or loss for an instant and then connect right back again.  Try saying something to help put the annoyance in perspective and get back in the game.  You could remind yourself that “she’s worth it,” or “it was no big deal.”  Most of the time you don’t even need to let your lover know he or she has done anything wrong.

– Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 199-200