Sonderquotes

Verbal Abuse Defined

Verbal abuse defines people in some negative way, and it creates emotional pain and mental anguish when it occurs in a relationship. . . . 

Any statement that tells you what, who, or how you are, or what you think, feel, or want, is defining you and is, therefore, abusive.  Such statements suggest an invasion of your very being, as if to say, “I’ve looked within you and now I’ll tell you what you want, feel, etc.”  Similarly, threats are verbally abusive because, like torture, they attempt to limit your freedom to choose and thus to define yourself.  Of course, if you have defined yourself to someone, “I’m Suzy’s Mom,” and that person says, “That’s Suzy’s Mom,” they are affirming or validating what you have said.  On the other hand, verbal abuse is a lie told to you or told to others about you.  If you believe the lie, it would lead you to think that you are not who you are or that you are less than you are. . . .

Another common way the abuser defines his partner is by walking away when she is asking a question, or mentioning something, or even in the middle of a conversation.  By withholding a response, he defines her as nonexistent. . . .

Defining statements are the opposite of affirmations, which are positive statements that confirm what we know and value about ourselves.  For example, when a man says, “I hear you.  I understand,” even if he does not agree with you, he validates or confirms what you have expressed to him.  If, however, he says, “You’re too sensitive,” or “Where did you get a crazy idea like that,” he invalidates and defines you.

– Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change?, p. 5-6

Forgiveness as a Way of Being

Forgiveness is an aspect of the workings of love.  It can be a bridge back from hatred and alienation as well as a liberation from two kinds of hell: bitterness and victimhood on one side; guilt, shame, and self-recrimination on the other.  The wish to repair a wounded relationship, whether it takes the form of forgiveness, apology, or some other bridging gesture, is a basic human impulse.  The need to forgive — which may grow out of understanding, gratitude, sympathy, regret over the hurt one has caused, or simply a wish to reunite — may be as strong as the need to be forgiven, even if it comes upon us more subtly.

All sustained relationships depend to some extent on forgiveness.  Successful marriage means an inevitable round of disappointment, anger, withdrawal, repair.  People hurt each other no matter how much love they share, and it’s a truism that the greatest hurts are meted out by the closest of intimates.  No friendship, no marriage, no family connections of any kind would last if the silent reparative force of forgiveness were not working almost constantly to counteract the incessant corrosive effects of resentment and bitterness, which would otherwise tear us apart.  Without forgiveness there could be no allowance for human frailty.  We would keep moving on, searching for perfect connections with mythical partners who would never hurt or disappoint.  In that sense, forgiveness should be thought of not only as a discrete event but also as a way of being.

– Robert Karen, PhD, The Forgiving Self: The Road from Resentment to Connection, p. 5-6

The Truth

Still, the truth with all its potential for causing pain is real and enduring — it won’t go away.  Unlike the confusing and ephemeral lie, the truth informs, clarifies, and teaches.  The truth feels right because it is right.

Even if the particular relationship they were in didn’t have a happy ending, the women who were told the truth were given a powerful gift.  They finally had a chance to understand what was really happening.  They had won another chance to build their future on more solid ground.  Although they had feared the truth, it was the lie and all it represented that had caused them and their partnerships the most grievous damage and robbed them of choice.

– Dory Hollander, PhD, 101 Lies Men Tell Women: And Why Women Believe Them, p. 270-271

Forgiveness and Boundaries

Warning:  Forgiveness and opening up to more abuse are not the same thing.  Forgiveness has to do with the past.  Reconciliation and boundaries have to do with the future.  Limits guard my property until someone has repented and can be trusted to visit again.  And if they sin, I will forgive again, seventy times seven.  But I want to be around people who honestly fail me, not dishonestly deny that they have hurt me and have no intent to do better.  That is destructive for me and for them.  If people are owning their sin, they are learning through failure.  We can ride that out.  They want to be better, and forgiveness will help.  But if someone is in denial, or only giving lip service to getting better, without trying to make changes, or seeking help, I need to keep my boundaries, even though I have forgiven them.

– Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, Boundaries, p. 263

When Life Kicks Us in the Stomach

When life kicks us in the stomach, we want someone to be with us as we are, not as he or she wishes us to be.  We don’t want someone trying to make us feel better.  That effort, no matter how well intended, creates a pressure that adds to our distress.

Why is it so difficult to simply give ourselves to each other when things are hard without yielding to the urge to give relief, to help, to try to make things better?

– Larry Crabb, Shattered Dreams, p. 123-124

Synergy of Honesty

When the going gets tough, the tough get honest.  Lying and evading is the easy way out; honesty takes effort.  For one person, putting effort into the relationship means speaking up when feeling fragile.  For another, it means listening to a partner rather than bulldozing.  What is easy for one person may be a challenge for the other.

Usually those aspects of ourselves that we try to conceal — our personal demons — do shade how we come across.  We like to believe that what we lock away won’t affect us.  Actually, it’s like a radioactive leak:  Most of the time it does.

For many people, the hardest thing to say to a spouse is “I’m angry at you.”  They may feel it; they may communicate it obliquely, but they won’t admit to it.  The anger strikes too close to taboo emotions.  This may frustrate the other person because the anger is intuited but never confirmed….

When your partner doesn’t recoil from your darker feelings it kickstarts your own acceptance of yourself, and your own self-acceptance helps you to create a stronger bond.

By the Together as Two Stage, you can say to your partner, “It terrifies me to say this, but I have to tell you that I’m furious with you.”  The other person breathes a sign of relief because your words are congruent with what you portray.  Finally, the anger is out there!  At that moment, you and your partner are on the way to a special kind of synergy, primed for the type of healing only couples can give each other.

Because marriage is so interdependent, the growth potential is enormous — not by pleading or demanding, nor sitting at a drawing board, but through the models of integrity you provide for each other.  You can’t develop intimacy without involving and evolving yourself. . . .  You don’t generate growth, intimacy, or maturity from being polite to each other for fifty years.

– Ellyn Bader, PhD, and Peter T. Pearson, PhD, Tell Me No Lies, p. 214-216

Repeating Apologies

Once we make an apology, we don’t have to keep repeating it.  If someone wants to keep on extricating an apology from us for the same incident, that is the person’s issue, and we don’t have to get hooked.

– Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go, p. 273

Walking Away

Walking away doesn’t mean agreeing with your adversary.  On the contrary, it means nothing more than that you have made the choice to disengage.  These days, I actually relish every opportunity to let a situation pass me by that would have engaged my ire in the past.  I feel empowered every time I make this choice.

– Karen Casey, Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow, p. 18

Unwise Trust

No one has felt hurt due to compassion, although many people have been harmed by unwise trust.  Compassion makes us less likely to trust unwisely, as it provides deeper understanding of the danger presented by those unable to regulate core hurts.

– Steven Stosny, Manual of the Core Value Workshop, p. 36

Accountability

Stop making excuses for other people.

Stop making excuses for ourselves.

While it is our goal to develop compassion and achieve forgiveness, acceptance, and love, it is also our goal to accept reality and hold people accountable for their behavior.  We can also hold ourselves accountable for our own behavior, and, at the same time, have compassion and understanding for ourselves.

– Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go, p. 260