{"id":288,"date":"2008-12-12T22:14:37","date_gmt":"2008-12-13T02:14:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/blog\/2008\/12\/12\/review-of-tell-me-no-lies-by-ellyn-bader-and-peter-t-pearson\/"},"modified":"2009-03-09T22:16:55","modified_gmt":"2009-03-10T02:16:55","slug":"review-of-tell-me-no-lies-by-ellyn-bader-and-peter-t-pearson","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/blog\/?p=288","title":{"rendered":"Review of Tell Me No Lies, by Ellyn Bader and Peter T. Pearson"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"tell_me_no_lies.jpg\"<\/em><\/p>\n

Tell Me No Lies<\/em><\/p>\n

How to Stop Lying to Your Partner — and Yourself — in the 4 Stages of Marriage<\/em><\/p>\n

by Ellyn Bader, PhD, and Peter T. Pearson, PhD,<\/p>\n

with Judith D. Schwartz<\/p>\n

Skylight Press (St. Martin’s Press), New York, 2000.\u00a0 241 pages.<\/p>\n

Starred review.<\/p>\n

I think of myself as a truthful person.\u00a0 So I was a little offended by the first paragraph of this book.<\/p>\n

“Everybody lies.\u00a0 Friends lie to friends.\u00a0 Children lie to their parents.\u00a0 Politicians lie to constituents.\u00a0 And, certainly, husbands and wives lie to each other.”<\/p>\n

However, they do point out that these lies definitely don’t start out mean-spirited.\u00a0 For example, classic lies of the Honeymoon Stage are “I like everything about you.” and “We like all the same things.”<\/p>\n

The authors show common lies in the four stages of marriage and how they can lead to the marriage getting off track.\u00a0 Their explanations ring true.\u00a0 I was able to realize that the belief that I always tell the whole truth was definitely a lie I was telling myself.<\/p>\n

They define four stages of marriage as The Honeymoon, Emerging Differences, Freedom, and Together as Two.\u00a0 They explain the pitfalls of lies in each stage:<\/p>\n

“Certain types of lies arise at different points in a marriage in response to the specific challenges of each stage.\u00a0 Deception will stunt development in each stage, creating an emotional gridlock that leaves both partners stuck.\u00a0 We call these stalled points “Detours and Dead Ends.”\u00a0 From the Honeymoon, you can veer into The Dark Side of the Honeymoon.\u00a0 When deceit obscures your Emerging Differences, you can end up in the Seething Stalemate.\u00a0 The failure to negotiate independence can thrust you into Freedom Unhinged.\u00a0 The only way to get on track is to confront the truth.”<\/p>\n

The authors don’t place all the blame on the person doing the lying.\u00a0 They include a chapter on “The Lie Invitee” explaining why there are times when we really don’t want to hear the truth.<\/p>\n

This is a fascinating and helpful look at what makes an open and honest marriage.\u00a0 You can’t really know one another if you don’t tell the truth to each other.\u00a0 If you are beginning to feel distant and “so different” from each other, maybe it’s time to take a look at what truths about yourself you are hiding from your partner or maybe from yourself as well.<\/p>\n

This book is full of good advice for building a good marriage.\u00a0 It can also help you understand the dynamics of what went wrong if your marriage falls apart.<\/p>\n

“Intimate relationships are difficult, despite what cultural myths would have us believe, and every couple will encounter some tough situations.\u00a0 The grit to withstand those challenges — and to keep your marriage growing and alive — requires that you find the courage to voice the truth.\u00a0 And the resolve to listen to it.”<\/p>\n

Here are more helpful quotations from this book:<\/p>\n

http:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/sonderquotes\/?s=Bader+Pearson<\/a><\/p>\n

Buy from Amazon.com<\/a><\/p>\n

Find this review on the main site at:<\/p>\n

www.sonderbooks.com\/Nonfiction\/tell_me_no_lies.html<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Tell Me No Lies How to Stop Lying to Your Partner — and Yourself — in the 4 Stages of Marriage by Ellyn Bader, PhD, and Peter T. Pearson, PhD, with Judith D. Schwartz Skylight Press (St. Martin’s Press), New York, 2000.\u00a0 241 pages. Starred review. I think of myself as a truthful person.\u00a0 So […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,4,20,24,31,42],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-288","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nonfiction-review","category-personal-growth","category-relationships","category-romance","category-stand-outs","category-starred-review"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/288","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=288"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/288\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=288"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=288"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=288"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}