{"id":33369,"date":"2017-09-20T21:57:55","date_gmt":"2017-09-21T01:57:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/blog\/?p=33369"},"modified":"2017-09-20T21:57:55","modified_gmt":"2017-09-21T01:57:55","slug":"review-of-wedding-toasts-ill-never-give-by-ada-calhoun","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/blog\/?p=33369","title":{"rendered":"Review of Wedding Toasts I’ll Never Give, by Ada Calhoun"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>Wedding Toasts I\u2019ll Never Give<\/em><\/p>\n

by Ada Calhoun<\/p>\n

W. W. Norton & Company, 2017. 192 pages.
\nStarred Review<\/p>\n

Maybe I shouldn\u2019t have picked up this book. My own marriage ended badly. I tried hard to keep it from falling apart, but finally figured out that if one party really wants to get out, one person can\u2019t knit it back together by themselves. Now I\u2019d like to get married again \u2013 and this book reminds me of that. It also reminds me that I don\u2019t actually want some nice man to get divorced just so he\u2019ll be available! I don\u2019t actually want the sort of man who doesn\u2019t try hard to stay in his marriage. And I don\u2019t wish divorce on anyone. So in a way, thinking about what makes a marriage isn\u2019t necessarily a place I should go right now!<\/p>\n

But \u2013 the book was so much fun! And really does speak truth. Though I agree with the author that you wouldn\u2019t necessarily want to point out these truths at the wedding of a dewy-eyed bride and groom. They\u2019ll find out soon enough.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s how she explains the book in the Introduction:<\/p>\n

Now in the second decade of my second marriage, I can\u2019t look newlyweds in the eye and promise they\u2019ll never regret marrying. (Well, not sober. Maybe this is why weddings correlate with binge drinking.) I adore my husband and plan to be with him forever. I also want to run screaming from the house because the person I promised to love all the days of my life insists on falling asleep to Frasier<\/em> reruns.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe first twenty years are the hardest,\u201d an older woman once told me. At the time I thought she was joking. She was not.<\/p>\n

And this is why I don\u2019t give wedding toasts \u2013 because I\u2019d probably end up saying that even good marriages sometimes involve flinging a remote control at the wall.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

She\u2019s got some good insights.<\/p>\n

The main problem with marriage may be that it\u2019s not better than the rest of life. Suffering occurs in marriage because we think it will be different \u2013 purer, deeper, gentler \u2013 than other relationships. We expect our partners and ourselves to be better \u2013 more patient, more faithful, more generous \u2013 than we are. We believe ourselves exceptional, first in the depth of our passion and then in the breadth of our failure.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I like this take on it:<\/p>\n

By staying married, we give something to ourselves and to others: hope. Hope that in steadfastly loving someone, we ourselves, for all our faults, will be loved; that the broken world will be made whole. To hitch your rickety wagon to the flickering star of another fallible human being \u2013 what an insane thing to do. What a burden, and what a gift.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

But most of the book isn\u2019t just musings. It\u2019s also stories \u2013 stories from her own married life. And these stories do lead to musings, and truths, and some good thoughts about what marriage has to offer these days. She doesn\u2019t offer a particularly religious perspective, so I wasn\u2019t sure I\u2019d really think I\u2019d find them applicable \u2013 but she does offer a practical perspective. What does marriage do for you? This is worth thinking about, and she approaches it in a humorous way.<\/p>\n

She finishes the Introduction this way:<\/p>\n

Such are the thoughts I keep to myself, sitting in rented folding chairs, watching friends begin their married lives. To the newlyweds, I say congratulations, and I mean it sincerely. To say out loud the rest of what I\u2019m thinking would be bad manners. And so I\u2019ll say it here instead.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

wwnorton.com<\/a><\/p>\n

Buy from Amazon.com<\/a><\/p>\n

Find this review on Sonderbooks<\/a> at: www.sonderbooks.com\/Nonfiction\/wedding_toasts_ill_never_give.html<\/a><\/p>\n

Disclosure: I am an Amazon Affiliate, and will earn a small percentage if you order a book on Amazon after clicking through from my site.<\/p>\n

Source: This review is based on a library book from Fairfax County Public Library.<\/p>\n

Disclaimer: I am a professional librarian, but I maintain my website and blogs on my own time. The views expressed are solely my own, and in no way represent the official views of my employer or of any committee or group of which I am part.<\/p>\n

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