{"id":393,"date":"2009-02-14T00:06:53","date_gmt":"2009-02-14T04:06:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/blog\/2009\/02\/14\/review-of-controlling-people-by-patricia-evans\/"},"modified":"2009-03-28T17:28:01","modified_gmt":"2009-03-28T21:28:01","slug":"review-of-controlling-people-by-patricia-evans","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/blog\/?p=393","title":{"rendered":"Review of Controlling People, by Patricia Evans"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"controlling_people.jpg\"<\/em><\/p>\n

Controlling People<\/em><\/p>\n

How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You<\/em><\/p>\n

by Patricia Evans<\/p>\n

Adams Media Corporation, Avon, Massachusetts, 2002.\u00a0 300 pages.<\/p>\n

Starred Review.<\/p>\n

http:\/\/www.patriciaevans.com\/<\/a><\/p>\n

http:\/\/www.verbalabuse.com\/<\/a><\/p>\n

A friend recommended Patricia Evans’ first book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, <\/em>to me.\u00a0 I found what I began so helpful, I checked out all of her books.\u00a0 I seem to be finishing them in the opposite order in which they were written.\u00a0 However, I am finding each book tremendously helpful.<\/p>\n

Controlling People <\/em>helps make sense of behavior that seems inexplicable.\u00a0 I read most of this book at a time when my mind kept spinning, trying to understand how someone I loved could say some things that seemed completely outrageous.\u00a0 The scenario described in this book enabled me to understand more clearly how this could be, and strengthened me to keep from the conclusion that I was somehow the crazy one to think this behavior unacceptable.<\/p>\n

In the introduction, Patricia Evans says, “You are not alone in your desire to understand the problem of control.\u00a0 Thousands of people have asked me, “Why would anyone act ‘like that’?”\u00a0 They describe the way they’ve been treated, and they wonder what compels one to try to control others.\u00a0 “Why don’t most people who try to control others see that they’re being oppressive?\u00a0 Are they under a spell or what?” they ask.<\/p>\n

“Many people have also asked why they can’t seem to stop attempting to control others, even when these destructive behaviors are driving their loved ones away.\u00a0 They often say that something seems to “come over” them and things “go wrong.”\u00a0 At times, they are so unaware of their behavior and its impact that they don’t realize that anything has gone wrong until it’s too late — a loved one has left or violence has erupted….<\/p>\n

“This book is a quest to find answers to these questions.\u00a0 It will take us on a journey of exploration through a maze of senseless behaviors woven into our world.\u00a0 By the end of our journey we’ll be in a new place with a new perspective on the problem of control.\u00a0 And the journey itself may very well be spell-breaking.”<\/p>\n

She talks about how and why verbal abuse is based on pretending:<\/p>\n

“If someone defines you, even in subtle ways, they are pretending <\/em>to know the unknowable.\u00a0 There is a quality of fantasy to their words and sometimes to their actions.\u00a0 Even so, they are usually unaware of the fact that they are playing “let’s pretend.”\u00a0 They fool themselves and sometimes others into thinking that what they are saying is true or that what they are doing is right.<\/p>\n

“When people “make up” your reality — as if they were you<\/em> — they are trying to control you, even when they don’t realize it.<\/p>\n

“When people attempt to control you they begin by pretending.\u00a0 When they define you they are acting in a senseless way.\u00a0 They are pretending.\u00a0 When people act as if you do not exist or are not a real person with a reality of your own\u00a0… they are pretending.\u00a0 In this subtle and often unconscious <\/em>way, they are attempting to exert control over you — your space, time, resources, or even your life.<\/p>\n

“We know that they are pretending because in actual fact, no one can tell you what you want, believe, should do, or why you have done what you have done.\u00a0 No one can know your inner reality, your intentions, your motives, what you think, believe, feel, like, dislike, what you know, how you do what you do, or who you are.\u00a0 If someone does pretend to know your inner reality:\u00a0 “You’re trying to start a fight,” they have it backwards.<\/em>\u00a0 People can only know themselves.\u00a0 It doesn’t work the other way around.<\/p>\n

“Since you can only define yourself, your self-definition is yours.\u00a0 It isn’t necessary that you prove it or explain it.\u00a0 It is, after all, your own.\u00a0 Self-definition is inherent in being a person.<\/p>\n

“Despite the evidence, it is difficult for many people to realize that the person who defines them is not being rational.\u00a0 They feel inclined to defend themselves as if the person defining them were rational.\u00a0 But by trying to defend themselves against someone’s definitions, they are acknowledging those definitions as valid, that they make sense, when they are, in fact, complete nonsense.”<\/p>\n

Patricia Evans goes on to explain how someone can fall into this trap of building up a Pretend Person whom they anchor in the body of their loved one.\u00a0 When the real person acts differently than the way the Pretend Person is supposed to act, including not knowing or not agreeing with their own thoughts and feelings, then they naturally get very angry.<\/p>\n

The sad thing is that these Controllers are trying to connect with someone, but end up with severe disconnection.<\/p>\n

The author doesn’t leave it at that.\u00a0 She does offer suggestions for how to become a Spellbreaker and break the spell that Controllers seem to be operating under.\u00a0 Even if the Controller in your life does not change, she shows you ways to break out of the influence of the spell yourself.\u00a0 At the very least, the understanding of the dynamics involved helps break the crazy-making aspects of being exposed to these irrational behaviors.<\/p>\n

This is a valuable and helpful book.\u00a0 If any of this sounds the slightest bit familiar, I highly recommend reading further.\u00a0 Patricia Evans goes into great depth and great detail about this pervasive problem, even covering groups connected by hate.\u00a0 Ultimately, her message is one of great hope.<\/p>\n

“Instead of acting to keep Pretend Person “alive” by means of fear, intimidation, and dominance, former Controllers find that they can accept and give love freely.\u00a0 Their strength flows from spirit full enough to nurture another, alive enough to act toward good, clear enough to understand, faithful enough to wait and see, fearless enough to reveal the truth, free enough to choose to learn, courageous enough to stand alone, connected enough to love the other.”<\/p>\n

Buy from Amazon.com<\/a><\/p>\n

Find this review on the main site at:<\/p>\n

www.sonderbooks.com\/Nonfiction\/controlling_people.html<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Controlling People How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You by Patricia Evans Adams Media Corporation, Avon, Massachusetts, 2002.\u00a0 300 pages. Starred Review. http:\/\/www.patriciaevans.com\/ http:\/\/www.verbalabuse.com\/ A friend recommended Patricia Evans’ first book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, to me.\u00a0 I found what I began so helpful, I checked out all of […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,4,20,42],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-393","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nonfiction-review","category-personal-growth","category-relationships","category-starred-review"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/393","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=393"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/393\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=393"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=393"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=393"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}