{"id":12007,"date":"2019-04-13T23:36:40","date_gmt":"2019-04-14T03:36:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/sonderjourneys\/?p=12007"},"modified":"2019-04-13T23:38:44","modified_gmt":"2019-04-14T03:38:44","slug":"acceptance-approval-affirmation-and-love","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/sonderjourneys\/?p=12007","title":{"rendered":"Acceptance, Approval, Affirmation, and Love"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Recently, a friend posted a meme on Pinterest that says \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Our culture has accepted two huge lies. The first is that if you disagree with someone\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s lifestyle, you must fear or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to compromise convictions to be compassionate.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d <\/p>\n

I disagree with this statement. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think the writer understands the depth of what happens when people reject LGBTQ people. (Let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s be honest. That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s what they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re talking about here.)<\/p>\n

[Note: I talked with my friend about it, and he wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t thinking about LGBTQ people at all. I still think the author of the meme was, and that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s what I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m arguing with.]<\/p>\n

I hang around Christians and am a Christian and love Christians. But I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve heard a lot of defensiveness about condemnation of LGBTQ people. They say we should \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Love the sin and hate the sinner,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d which just comes across as hate. They say you can accept<\/em> someone without approving<\/em> of what they do.<\/p>\n

And that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s actually true. For example, I have a very good friend who\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s polyamorous. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t approve of being polyamorous and would never ever do that myself. But who\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s asking me? It doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t matter in the slightest what I think about my friend\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s love life. I care about my friend and love talking with him, and he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s given me plenty of wise insight on relationships \u00e2\u20ac\u201c some of which he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s gotten because he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s had to pay extra attention in order to navigate relationships with more than one woman at the same time.<\/p>\n

Has being a universalist made me less worried about his soul? Yes, actually it has. Whether his behavior is sinful or not is between him and God \u00e2\u20ac\u201c and they can work it out. One thing I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sure of: His love life in no way blocks him from God\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s love for him. And it doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t block him from my friendly love for him, either.<\/p>\n

Just because I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t \u00e2\u20ac\u0153agree with his lifestyle\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or \u00e2\u20ac\u0153approve\u00e2\u20ac\u009d of what he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s doing \u00e2\u20ac\u201c doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mean I need to disapprove<\/em> of it either.<\/p>\n

But let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s talk about LGBTQ folks. What\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s at issue here is identity. This is about who they are<\/em>.<\/p>\n

It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s most obvious when you talk about transgender people.<\/p>\n

My oldest child is a transgender woman. So there was a day when she told me that she was no longer going by the name I gave her at birth. And she told me that I was wrong about her \u00e2\u20ac\u201c that she is not a man but a woman.<\/p>\n

Suppose I say, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I love you, but you are wrong. You are deluded. You don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know what you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re talking about. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve changed your diapers and know what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s between your legs, and that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s what makes you male or female. I know better than you.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d And I refuse to call her by her new name or refer to her as my daughter.<\/p>\n

Or even worse, suppose I say, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I love you, but it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s evil to say you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re a woman. It goes against God\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s design.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Could my child possibly feel loved in that situation?<\/p>\n

Never mind that the Endocrine Society \u00e2\u20ac\u201c doctors who deal with this \u00e2\u20ac\u201c have come out with a statement that there is strong scientific evidence that we are born with a gender \u00e2\u20ac\u201c but that gender is determined by what is between our ears rather than what is between our legs. And it doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t always match.<\/p>\n

But let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s say that I decide that I know better, that since God created humans male and female and I am sure that knowing which one depends on what you can see on the outside of a person, then making the outside match the inside is evil and wrong.<\/p>\n

I just can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t imagine that my child will feel loved by me if I insist on calling her my son and call her by the male-gendered name I gave her at birth. If I do that, am I really loving her? Or only the person I think she is, but that matches less and less who she says she is.<\/p>\n

How could she possibly feel loved by me if I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even call her by her own name? I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m loving my fantasy child, not the child I actually have.<\/p>\n

I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve known many people in my lifetime who have gotten my name wrong, calling me Sandy or Sandra. One person thought my name was spelled Sandra and I was just trying to sound cultured or something pronouncing it \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Sondra\u00e2\u20ac\u009d \u00e2\u20ac\u201c which he refused to do. I usually make the mistake of being too polite to correct these people, but if it persists, I have a hard time feeling like they know me at all. Now imagine if other people don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even get your gender right.<\/p>\n

I keep going back to the writings of Patricia Evans on verbal abuse. She says that verbal abuse is defining someone differently than the way they define themselves, insisting that you know better than they do who they are. Refusing to believe a person when they tell you what gender they are seems like the ultimate expression of this.<\/p>\n

A person being treated this way is not going to feel loved.<\/p>\n

Someone might say (and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve actually heard people say this), I accept your son, but I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t approve of taking hormones and dressing like a woman. I believe that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s sinful.<\/p>\n

I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry, but if you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not accepting my daughter<\/em>, then you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not accepting who she actually is.<\/p>\n

With gays and lesbians, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s also about identity. Being sexually attracted to people of the same gender isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t something they chose; it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the way God made them.<\/p>\n

Now, you might say that the problem isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t the attraction but acting on it. You accept the people, but you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t approve of same-sex marriages.<\/p>\n

My transgender daughter is engaged to a transgender woman, so there are those who think I should not approve of my daughter\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s upcoming marriage.<\/p>\n

Again, this is about her very identity. If people make a point of showing their disapproval by staying away from the wedding or delivering a judgmental sermon rather than a wedding gift \u00e2\u20ac\u201c well, my daughter\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not going to feel loved by them.<\/p>\n

Now, the main reason to disapprove is because you think the Bible teaches that same-sex relationships are evil and perverted. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve studied this issue, and I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a correct interpretation. I think Paul was talking about sexual exploitation, not loving same-sex relationships. So, as it happens, I do agree and approve and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m happy for my daughter and her fianc\u00c3\u00a9.<\/p>\n

I guess part of the question is this: Who am I to approve or disapprove how another adult chooses to live their life? Doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t that fall under Jesus\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 command, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Judge not lest you be judged?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d How about we accept other people for who they are, and let God handle the approving or disapproving?<\/p>\n

In fact, in the case of LGBTQ people, I believe that being vocal about your disapproval and calling it sinful can actually do that person harm, telling them that God will punish them if they authentically live the way He created them.<\/p>\n

Back to the meme that touched off a reaction to things I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been hearing people say ever since my daughter came out \u00e2\u20ac\u201c the first \u00e2\u20ac\u0153lie\u00e2\u20ac\u009d it called out is that \u00e2\u20ac\u0153if you disagree with someone\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s lifestyle you must fear or hate them.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Well, if you only disagree, there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s no problem. But if you feel a need to protest that lifestyle, to get in their face, to loudly proclaim that this person is evil \u00e2\u20ac\u201c as some Christians have in fact done to LGBTQ people \u00e2\u20ac\u201c well, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s pretty normal for the targets of that to feel feared or hated.<\/p>\n

The second \u00e2\u20ac\u0153lie\u00e2\u20ac\u009d that the meme claims our culture has swallowed is that to love someone means you have to agree with everything they believe or do. Of course that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s nonsense.<\/p>\n

But do be aware that if you \u00e2\u20ac\u0153disagree\u00e2\u20ac\u009d about someone\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s very identity \u00e2\u20ac\u201c it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s going to be a lot harder for them to feel loved by you. You don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even know who they really are!<\/p>\n

If you \u00e2\u20ac\u0153disagree\u00e2\u20ac\u009d that someone should be married to the spouse they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve chosen \u00e2\u20ac\u201c are you really able to make them feel loved? You can say you love them until your tongue falls off, but I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know if they will feel loved by you. It will certainly add constraints to your relationship.<\/p>\n

It seems like the meme is trying to make black and white something that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s full of nuance. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s trying to say that it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s possible to \u00e2\u20ac\u0153hate the sin but love the sinner.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Yes, I can love people I think are sinning. But mostly I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve found that it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not my business if the people around me are sinning or not. As Paul says in Romans, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Who are you to judge someone else\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s servant? To his own master, he stands or falls, and he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

There\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a huge difference between disagreement and judgment. Are you really sure you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re only disagreeing?<\/p>\n

Is it compromising my convictions to not worry about whether my friend\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s lifestyle is sinful or not? Maybe rather than worrying about whether he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s sinning, I should worry about whether I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m loving my neighbor as myself.<\/p>\n

In general, I find that when I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m most convinced someone else is sinning is when I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m least likely to be able to influence them to change. Funny thing about that. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s almost like it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not my job to convict other people of sin at all.<\/p>\n

I wrote this entire post, and then yesterday I posted a quote by John Pavlovitz that says it more concisely:<\/p>\n

One of the things you learn when you walk down the path of being an ally is that people aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t LGBTQ based on the consent you give or don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t give to them, the approval you provide or withhold. That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not how gender identity and sexual orientation work. Your acceptance doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t give people permission to be anything. It simply allows them to be fully authentic in your presence and to feel loved as they are. It secures people in those places where they should feel fully secured: in their families and friendships and workplaces and churches. If you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think you have LGBTQ family members, coworkers, classmates, and friends right now, you may want to ask yourself if that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s because you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve created an environment in which they would be afraid to share it even if they were. It might be that your words and manner have already told people that they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not safe to be honest with you. As our society thankfully becomes less and less hostile to the LGBTQ community and as people begin to gradually feel safer in authenticity, more children will come out and more families will have a new reality to reckon with. Those families will continue to seek spiritually and they will continue to need and deserve to be in faith communities where they are fully welcomed. It is one of the reasons the table needs to be made bigger.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I still haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t touched on affirmation<\/em>. Affirmation goes a step further than agreeing or disagreeing. Affirming someone is saying, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes! I hear who you say you are, and I find that delightful!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d <\/p>\n

It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s saying to my daughter: \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You are beautiful, Zephyr! I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m so happy you are telling the world who you truly are! I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m so happy to have you for a daughter. I believe what you are saying about yourself, and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m honored to learn this truth about you.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hugging and congratulating my daughter and her fianc\u00c3\u00a9 and rejoicing with them and dancing at their wedding.<\/p>\n

And sure, you can love someone without affirming everything they do.<\/p>\n

But affirmation sure feels nicer than judgment.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Recently, a friend posted a meme on Pinterest that says \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Our culture has accepted two huge lies. The first is that if you disagree with someone\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s lifestyle, you must fear or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[22],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12007","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-love"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/sonderjourneys\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12007","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/sonderjourneys\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/sonderjourneys\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/sonderjourneys\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/sonderjourneys\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=12007"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/sonderjourneys\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12007\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/sonderjourneys\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=12007"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/sonderjourneys\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=12007"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sonderbooks.com\/sonderjourneys\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=12007"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}