Reviewed April 24, 2006.
The Free Press, New York 2003. 425 pages.
Since my husband decided to
divorce me, I’ve talked to many other people also going through divorce
or
having gone through divorce. A few good
friends have encouraged me by telling me about their own marital crises. Some even survived their husbands having
affairs (either emotional or physical), and now have a stronger
marriage than
ever. (Those stories are especially
encouraging. It’s nice when something
new can be made from something damaged, without throwing the old away.)
I’m afraid
that most of the
people I’ve talked with were dealing with unfaithfulness as well as
divorce. This is horribly difficult to
deal with, and
I’m reviewing this book because it can help, can let you know that your
feelings are normal, and can show you ways to heal.
The majority
of this book is
about healing after an affair has shaken your marriage, whether you
were the involved partner or the betrayed partner.
But it’s
very comprehensive. It talks about how
affairs happen, why they’ve changed recently, and how to heal alone if
the
marriage does break down. There’s even a
chapter on the Affair Partner’s perspective and how they can heal after
they
lose their love and how they can learn to stay away from married people
in the
future.
I would even
recommend this
book to newlyweds or people in a good marriage. There
are some excellent tips for setting boundaries so
that you can
keep good friendships outside the marriage—without worrying about them
accidentally turning into something more. This
is something worth discussing before it is an issue.
And reading this book will help you in
talking with friends facing betrayal. I’m
afraid you’re almost certain to eventually know
someone going
through this.
Dr. Glass
begins the book
with the sentence, “Good people in good marriages are having affairs.” She continues, “Surprisingly, the infidelity
that I’m seeing these days is of a new sort. It’s
not between people who are intentionally seeking
thrills, as is
commonly believed. The new infidelity is
between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before
realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into
romantic
love. Eighty-two percent of the 210
unfaithful partners I’ve treated have had an affair with someone who
was, at
first, ‘just a friend.’ Well-intentioned
people who had not planned to stray are betraying not only their
partners but
also their own beliefs and moral values, provoking inner crises as well
as
marital ones.”
“The
significant news about
these new affairs—and what is different from the affairs of previous
generations—is that they originate as peer relationships.
People who truly are initially just friends
or just friendly colleagues slowly move onto the slippery slope of
infidelity. In the new infidelity, secret
emotional
intimacy is the first warning sign of impending betrayal.
Yet, most people don’t recognize it as such
or see what they’ve gotten themselves into until they’ve become
physically
intimate.
“Most people mistakenly think
it is possible to prevent affairs by being loving and dedicated to
one’s
partner. I call this the Prevention
Myth, because there is no evidence to support it. My
experience as a marital therapist and
infidelity researcher has shown me that simply being a loving partner
does not
ensure your marriage against affairs. You
also have to exercise awareness of the appropriate
boundaries at
work and in your friendships….
“Most people also mistakenly
think that infidelity isn’t really infidelity unless there’s sexual
contact…. In the new infidelity,
however, affairs do not have to be sexual.”
She gives the
purpose of the
book: “There are, however, steps you can
take to keep your relationship or marriage safe. There
are also steps you can take to repair
your relationship after emotional or sexual infidelity has rocked it. And there are things you can do to help
yourself through the trauma of betrayal. And
you’ll learn them all in NOT ‘Just
Friends’” The author delivers on
this promise.
She talks
about how our
culture doesn’t understand the new style of affairs.
Here are some facts that aren’t commonly
understood or portrayed in the media:
“Affairs can
happen in good
marriages. Affairs are less about love
and more about sliding across boundaries.”
“The lure of
an affair is how
the unfaithful partner is mirrored back through the adoring eyes of the
new
love. Another appeal is that individuals
experience new roles and opportunities for growth in new relationships.”
“You can have
an affair
without having sex. Sometimes the
greatest betrayals happen without touching. Infidelity
is any emotional or sexual intimacy that
violates trust.”
“Most people,
including
unfaithful partners, think that talking about an affair with the
betrayed
partner will only create more upset, but that is actually the way to
rebuild
intimacy. Trying to recover without
discussing the betrayal is like waxing a dirty floor.”
“The
aftermath of an affair
can offer partners who are still committed to their marriage an
opportunity to
strengthen their bond. Exploring
vulnerabilities often leads to a more intimate relationship.”
“Starting
over with a new
love does not necessarily lead to a life of eternal bliss.
Seventy-five percent of all unfaithful
individuals who marry the affair partner end up divorced.”
The focus of
the book is
recovering. Dr. Glass says, “The
revelation of infidelity is a traumatic
event for the betrayed partner. Understanding
it as traumatic has important implications
for healing. People who have just found
out about a partner’s affair may react as if they have been viciously
attacked. Where they formerly felt safe,
they now feel threatened. In an instant,
the betrayed spouse’s assumptions about the world have been shattered. Commonly, betrayed spouses become obsessed
with the details of the affair, have trouble eating and sleeping, and
feel
powerless to control their emotions, especially anxiety and grief,
which can be
overwhelming.
“I have found
that the most
complete healing process happens gradually, in stages.
Because betrayal is so traumatic and recovery
takes time, I use an interpersonal trauma recovery plan that parallels
the ones
recommended for victims of natural disasters, war, accidents, and
violence. My clients are living evidence
of its
effectiveness in their individual healing and in the number of
marriages saved
with this approach.”
“It is possible to emerge
from betrayal with your marriage stronger. This
book will show you how. You
will also learn how to steer clear of such dangerous waters in the
future—if
you both genuinely want to
heal and are ready to do the serious work of repair.”
“In the
beginning, there is a
cup of coffee, a working lunch, a check-up call on the cell phone—all
of these
contacts are innocent enough and add vitality and interest to our days. But when secrecy and lies become methods of
furthering the relationship, it has become an emotional affair. When the affair is discovered, the involved
partner is torn between two competing allegiances, and the betrayed
partner
develops the alarming mental and physical symptoms of obsession and
flashbacks. Both partners are
frightened, fragile and confused. On
their own, they may not know how to cope.
“If both
decide to stay and
work on the relationship, first on the agenda has to be how to
reestablish
safety and foster goodwill. They may be
conflicted about how much to discuss the affair because it’s hard to
know how
much to say and when. It’s also hard to
know how to remain supportive when a partner is hysterical or depressed
and how
to live through daily obligations without doing further damage to
themselves
and each other. NOT ‘Just Friends’ will
help guide you through these rocky stages of your recovery.”
She tells us,
“It’s hard to
believe that a marriage can be better after an affair, but it’s true…. Even if you choose not to continue your
marriage, you still have to recover from the trauma you’ve been through. The road to recovery can be a stimulus for
growth whether you travel it with your partner or make your way alone. It’s a difficult road, but it is passable and
well-traveled for all its difficulties, and it’s important to know that
it is
there for you and anyone who wants to follow it.”
All that’s
simply from the
introduction! The body of the book has
four parts. They deal with how people
slide into affairs, the trauma of discovery, the search for meaning,
and the
healing journey.
The first
section, “The
Slippery Slope” makes a good cautionary tale. Dr.
Glass says, “In the new crisis of infidelity, platonic
friendships
and workplace relationships are turning into emotional affairs, usually
gradually, often without premeditation. Parties
cross boundaries of emotional intimacy, sharing
intimate information
with a friend that is usually appropriately the exclusive territory of
a
husband or wife. When emotional
boundaries are overstepped, the partner has taken the first step onto
the
slippery slope leading to emotional and eventually sexual infidelity. Even if the infidelity is ‘only’ emotional,
it often leads to a double life of deception and sexuality, threatening
once
secure marriages.”
Dr. Glass
uses an analogy of
“Walls and Windows” to explain when a friendship is crossing into an
emotional
affair.
“In many
cases, the
transition from friendship to affair is barely perceptible—to both
participants
and observers. The boundaries shift
slowly. Having a clear, easy way to see
where the boundaries are at any given moment can bring both friendship
and
marriage into sharp focus. One way to
determine
whether a particular friendship is threatening is to ask Where are the walls,
and where are the windows? This is
a
useful metaphor for clarifying boundary issues in extramarital
triangles.
“In a
committed relationship,
a couple constructs a wall that shields them from any outside forces
that have
the power to split them. They look at
the world outside their relationship through a shared window of
openness and
honesty. The couple is a unit, and they
have a united front to deal with children, in-laws, and friends. An affair erodes their carefully constructed
security system. It erects an interior wall of secrecy between the
marriage partners, at the same time that it opens
a window of intimacy between
the affair partners. The couple is no
longer a unit. The affair partner is on
the inside, and the
marital partner is on the outside.
“Asking
yourself about the
placement of walls and windows can help you determine when an outside
relationship has moved beyond friendship into an extramarital
relationship.”
Here’s a
quick way to tell if
you’re really “just friends” or having an emotional affair: “When a friend knows more about your marriage
than a spouse knows about your friendship, you have already reversed
the healthy
position of walls and windows.”
She does
point out, “By and
large, people who get involved with coworkers don’t set out to turn
their
friendships into romances. Colleagues
and coworkers who drift into affairs are blind to the red flags that
mark their
passageway. They are so energized by the
unreserved acceptance and the support for each other’s ideas, skills,
and goals
that they don’t notice how their relationship is changing.
The constant proximity and emotional bonding
combine to create a powerful aphrodisiac. They
are oblivious to the potential chaos and agony that
will befall
their families if the infidelity is exposed.”
More
guidelines: “Despite the obvious
similarities, there are
clear differences between friendships and emotional affairs. Emotional affairs are characterized by secrecy, emotional intimacy, and sexual chemistry.
These three elements can combine into a
potent brew that intensifies the attraction that already exists. If the relationship is an open book, it is
probably a friendship. When attempts are
made to hide feelings or interactions, the friendship is becoming
something
else. When there is more companionship,
intellectual sharing, and understanding in the friendship than in the
marriage,
that’s also a warning signal. Sexual
chemistry, an undercurrent of arousal and desire, is only enflamed by
admissions that a sexual attraction exists but won’t be acted on.”
Dr. Glass
isn’t trying to
abolish male-female friendships. She
says, “Not all friendships are so dangerous or pose a threat to the
marriage. You can have friends who are friends of the
marriage. They are not in
competition
with the marriage. They
characteristically reinforce the value of marriage in general and their
friends’ committed relationships in particular. They
react to marital complaints with problem-solving
approaches that
support continuing commitment. Anyone
who can be considered an attractive alternative to the marriage
partner,
however, is a threat unless
he or she is a friend of the marriage. Single
people on the prowl or married people
who openly complain about their current relationship are least likely
to be
friends of the marriage.”
As she says,
it’s a slippery
slope. “Most women and an increasing
number of men begin with an emotional connection without any thought of
a
sexual relationship. They spend time
talking and getting to know each other. They
delight in their companionship without worrying too
much about
where it’s heading. As they become more
intrigued by their friendship, more of their emotional energy is
directed away
from the marriage.”
Women tend to
feel that their
betraying partner must think the other person is more attractive than
they
are. Dr. Glass says, “It is also
important to note, however, that the magnetism of forbidden love gives
the
affair partner an intrinsic advantage when comparing the two
relationships. It isn’t that spouses are
dull and troublesome and affair partners are brilliant and beautiful. Frank Pittman observed that the choice of an
affair partner appears to be based on how that person differs from the
spouse
rather than any perceived superiority to the spouse.”
She traces
the pattern of a
typical affair. “Ralph was convinced
that his emotional tie to Lara was a good thing and was not affecting
his
marriage. His idea of what constitutes
an affair was related to the assumption that affairs are about having
sex. He felt safe because their
relationship was
based on a close friendship between two respectful human beings. Because their relationship wasn’t sexual, he
didn’t consider it a ‘real’ affair.”
“A useful
measure for whether
a relationship is a friendship or an affair is the degree of secrecy
that
surrounds it. Although Ralph was
expansive at the beginning about his budding friendship with Lara, he
got quieter
about it with every passing week. There
was a lot he wasn’t saying. If their
relationship had been strictly platonic, he wouldn’t have hesitated to
share
his encounters openly with Rachel. When
it came to their private lunches and special times alone, he became the
master
of the white lie.”
“Where are the walls?
Ralph stopped sharing the most vital, most
interesting, and most gratifying part of his day. He
wasn’t talking to Rachel about Lara or
about the subjects they found so fascinating. This
secrecy created a distance between husband and wife.
How could it be otherwise? Whenever
people carry momentous secrets, they
feel different, cut off, and isolated.”
She cautions
the reader, “As
we have seen, the definition of what constitutes an affair tends to
change
according to who is doing the defining. I
have heard both husbands and wives insist to their
spouse that they
have honored their commitment either because they never really loved the
affair partner or they never actually had extramarital sexual intercourse.”
“Men and
women are jealous
over different things. Research shows
that men get more upset about their wives’ having sex with other men,
and women
get more upset about their husbands’ being involved in an emotionally
satisfying relationship with another woman.”
Of course,
the natural
progression from this point is for a sexual relationship to start. The things she had to say about that weren’t
as surprising. Though she did say that
sexual affairs that grow out of a friendship are much, much more
devastating to
marriages than one-night stands or sex without love.
Whether a
physical
relationship is added or not, with secrecy, distance grows between
husband and
wife. As in this example:
“The window between Ralph and Rachel was
cloudy but not closed—sometimes open, and sometimes no more than a
sliver. He often found himself pulling
down the shade
between him and Rachel. It wasn’t that
he no longer loved her, but being with her made him feel guilty. Although he communicated about mundane events,
he was withholding the essence of his life from her.
It was painful for him when Rachel continued
to share confidences with him as though nothing had changed. He wondered whether she noticed he wasn’t
reciprocating.”
She talks
about the lying that
gets going as the involved partner builds a double life.
“Lying in personal relationships to cover up
wrongful or deceitful acts destroys trust. Intimate
relationships are contingent on honesty and
openness. They are built and maintained
through our faith
that we can believe what we are being told. However
painful it is for a betrayed spouse to discover a
trail of
sexual encounters or emotional attachments, the lying and deception are
the
most appalling violations.”
“Unfaithful
persons often say
they are protecting their partners from pain, but they are really
protecting
themselves from exposure so they can continue to live the double life.”
In the book The Script,
it
emphasized that the unfaithful spouse will start lying to himself as
well as to
his wife. NOT
“Just Friends” also says
that can happen, especially when unfaithfulness is completely contrary
to the
person’s values.
“Besides
compartmentalizing,
there are other ways to eliminate or reduce the internal anguish caused
by a
potential disparity between values and behavior. People
attempt to deal with the dissonance by
lying to themselves about what they are doing. Lying
to others is only a partial consequence of
infidelity. In affairs, people are as
likely to engage in
self-deception as in deception of their partners. Self-deception
can take the form of denying
self-indulgent motives or refusing to acknowledge the potential damage. With practice, people find it easier to hide
those unacceptable parts of themselves from themselves.
They gloss over aspects that are inconsistent
with their internalized values.”
It’s helpful
that Dr. Glass
does not minimize the trauma of discovering an affair—and that she
actually
calls it trauma, and tells you that it produces symptoms of trauma.
“A single
moment can change
us forever. After you learn that you’ve
been betrayed, you think in terms of the time before and the time after. The
private calamity of
discovering that your partner has become someone you don’t recognize
and has
lied to you as if you were an enemy blows your secure world to pieces. You no longer trust your eyes to see, your
brain to comprehend, or your heart to feel what is true.
“The journey
toward the
moment when the affair is revealed is often marked by an awareness that
things
aren’t quite right. After the affair has
been exposed, your uneasiness is replaced by many different emotions. The connection between what you think you
know and your sense of reality has been severed. It
doesn’t matter whether you were totally in
the dark or highly suspicious beforehand. No
matter what the circumstances, your assumptions about
your partner,
your marriage, and yourself have been shattered. They
lie in ruins at your feet.”
“Disclosure
shock is a
universal reaction to the betrayal of infidelity. Even
suspicious partners are devastated when
their worst fears are confirmed. Being
betrayed by someone you have trusted feels like a mortal injury…. At the time of the discovery, each partner
reacts strongly but differently. Injured
partners need to know that the affair will be stopped.
They also need to know that all of their
questions will be answered. Involved
partners can also be in a place of profound suffering:
Their lives are in shambles; they’re caught
in what feels like a no-win situation; they cannot escape the pain
they’ve
caused; and they now know that they must relinquish either the affair
or the
marriage. Their
double life has crashed
and burned.”
“In the
immediate days and
weeks that follow, the betrayed partner, the unfaithful partner, and
the affair
partner are overwhelmed by their enormous losses. The
injured partner has lost the positive
image of his or her life partner and the assurance of a secure,
committed
relationship. The involved partner has
lost his or her secret love nest and faces the potential loss of
marriage and
family. The affair partner has lost the
romantic cocoon and, usually, the dream of living forever with the
lover.
“All three
are miserable in
different ways. Because being deceived
is not the same as being a deceiver, however, the betrayed partner is
the one
who is traumatized and can’t imagine how he or she will ever become
whole
again.”
It turns out
that the degree
of trauma does NOT depend on how serious or how physical the affair was. “The severity of the traumatic reaction is
determined by (1) how the discovery was made, (2) extent of shattered
assumptions, (3) individual and situational vulnerabilities, (4) the
nature of
the betrayal, and (5) whether the threat of betrayal continues. These factors interact with one another to
determine the intensity, scope, and persistence of post-traumatic
reactions.”
“All of us
operate from a set
of basic assumptions about our relationships, our partners, and
ourselves. We can describe, at least in a
general way,
the terms of commitment that characterize our marriages and other
significant
relationships. Our assumptions provide
us with a map of our partner’s personality and moral character that
predicts how
he or she would behave in compromising situations.
We are traumatized when these assumptions are
shattered because our safe, predictable world is no longer safe or
predictable.”
“The
disparity between what
the betrayed partner believed about commitment and exclusivity and the
actual
behavior of the unfaithful partner determines the extent of
traumatization.”
She warns you
that it will be
nearly impossible for the betrayed partner to heal if the threat
continues. “Trust has to be earned. Safety has to be reestablished.
This is not an overnight process. Just
as the involved partner cannot flick a
switch and turn off all feelings for the lover, the noninvolved partner
cannot
shift from betrayal to unquestioning trust in an instant.”
If the
involved partner says
they are “just friends” because they didn’t have sex, he may believe
that he
should be able to continue this friendship. Dr.
Glass says, “If the contact continues, the threat
continues. It’s like a recovering
alcoholic who
continues to go to happy hour after work every Friday.”
There are
also problems if
either partner is ambivalent about whether to stay or leave. Or if he’s said he’s stopped the affair, but
doesn’t offer any evidence. Or if he’s
more sympathetic to the affair partner than to his spouse.
“In each of
the preceding
situations, uncertainty about commitment to work on the marriage or
uncertainty
that the affair is over keeps the betrayed partner off balance. If you are certain that the affair is over
and there is no contact with the affair partner, recovery is
straightforward,
although still difficult. The threat has
ended, and you can proceed to work through what happened and the
meaning of
what happened. However, additional
incidents of deception are retraumatizing and set the recovery process
back to
zero.
“If the
involved partner is
ambivalent for too long or continues secret contact with affair
partner, the
continuing retraumatization and deception will make healing difficult,
whether
or not the marriage continues.”
“The first
step in recovering
from the crisis of disclosure is to establish safety by reversing the
position
of walls and windows. The affair must
stop, and any intimate interactions with the affair partner must come
to an
end. During the affair, secrecy
fueled
the passion with the lover and diminished the intimacy with the spouse. The involved partner must be willing to open
windows inside the marriage and put up walls with the affair partner.”
“Honesty now
is the only way
to undo the legacy of deception and lies. You
and your spouse both need assurance that sharing every
new
interaction will not create new explosions, although some may. The involved partner cannot feel safe in an
atmosphere of nasty accusations and emotional storms, any more than the
betrayed partner can feel safe in the absence of honest information. The involved partner believes that telling
the truth will only make things worse. The
betrayed partner must demonstrate that the distress
caused by
hearing upsetting information is a short-term reaction, but that the
long-term
effect is to heal the wounds.”
Then she
talks about
recovering. The very first step is
ending the affair. “Stop all personal
contact with the affair partner, if possible; if total avoidance
is not
possible, stop all personal discussions. Extricating
yourself means telling your affair partner
that you are
committed to rebuilding your marriage and that all intimate
communication will
stop. Until it is unambiguously clear
that the affair is over, your spouse cannot begin to heal and your
marriage cannot
recover. This means no more phone calls,
lunches, or e-mails. If you have a
business relationship with your affair partner, as is often the case,
there
must be an understanding that the relationship will be strictly
business. Without disclosure all three of
you will be
stuck in a confusing morass of indecision.”
“A truly
remorseful spouse
will come home earlier, be more attentive, make his or her partner feel
more
desirable, and be willing to put up a thick wall with the affair
partner. Only then will a betrayed spouse
eventually
be able to let go of his or her insecurity.”
The second
step is to share
all unavoidable encounters. “The best
sharing is done before the
betrayed partner has a chance to ask whether there
has been any contact. This suggestion is
counterintuitive because most involved partners wish to avoid
initiating any
topics that could stir things up—especially when some calm has been
temporarily
restored…. But think about what happens
if you don’t bring it up and your spouse finds out.
Any contact you admit
having with your
affair partner is a golden opportunity to gain trust points with your
spouse.”
The third
step is to be
accountable. “If you are the unfaithful
partner and your spouse is constantly snooping around, you might
misperceive
his or her need to know as an autonomy problem for you instead of a
security
issue for your spouse. It isn’t that
your partner has a neurotic need to control your every move. Rather, knowing what is really going on is
the only way a traumatized person can begin to reestablish trust. Your approach here can be, ‘I will help you
check up on me.’”
She also
talks about
recovering from the trauma. In my
experience talking with people who have gone through this, I find so
many can’t
understand why they are reacting so strongly. Dr.
Glass puts this in perspective: “Looking
at the immediate crisis as a trauma helps make
sense of some of
the craziness you are experiencing. Traumatic
reactions that begin immediately after the
revelation can
continue for some time. Predictable,
necessary stages of trauma recovery will take place over many months
and
possibly several years. However, be
assured that the frequency, duration, and intensity of your traumatic
reactions
will gradually lessen over time.”
“Understand
that trauma is a
normal reaction to the revelation of infidelity. Later
chapters provide concrete ways of
managing symptoms, such as obsessive ruminating, flashbacks, and
hypervigilance. Both partners need to
know what reactions to expect and how to cope with them.
This is especially important because
post-traumatic reactions continue in ever-changing forms throughout the
recovery process.”
She goes on
to discuss things
like whether to stay together or not. She
urges giving it some time. She
also says that you can’t give your marriage an honest chance if you
keep up
even a friendship with the affair partner. “Certainly,
the longer the affair has lasted and the more
satisfying it
was, the harder it is to let go of. Letting
go takes time. The
best
solution, nonetheless, is to go cold turkey and stop the affair, so
that you
and your betrayed partner can commit to discovering whether the
marriage has a
chance of surviving.”
She warns
that “The worst
resolution is a stable triangle. When
involved
partners stay on an eternal fence, ultimatums given by the spouse or
lover move
them from one side to the other. They
cajole, seduce, and deceive both partners in order to have their cake
and eat
it too. The spouse and the lover help to
maintain the stable triangle by making compromises and accepting
whatever
crumbs are thrown their way. Children are inevitably harmed by this
unhealthy
collusion, because it results in underlying tension and open conflict
in the
home.”
She also
warns you, “Leaving
a bad marriage without trying to repair it first is like trying to sell
your
house right after a rainstorm flooded your family room.
Once you have finished cleaning and
redecorating, you might decide not to put it up for sale.
If you leave your marriage when you are
feeling devastated, depleted, and demoralized, you’ll always wonder
whether you
made the right choice. Fix it up first
and you’ll have a better idea of how the finished product suits you.”
She
encourages you, “Don’t
stay because you are too weak to end it and too afraid to be on your
own. Stay because you are strong enough to
handle
the emotional roller coaster. Stay
because you are independent enough to take care of yourself while your
partner
isn’t able to be there for you. Don’t
leave because you’re running away from conflict.”
She also
reminds you, “For
most people, leaving the marriage is not the best answer.
People tend to carry their psychological
problems with them to the next relationship. Old,
destructive patterns are perpetuated unless you deal
with them, and
second marriages may have the added strain of blended families and
stepchildren. Statistically, there is a
50 percent divorce rate in first marriages and a 60 percent divorce
rate in
second marriages. If you marry your
affair partner, the probability that it will work out is even worse
than the
dismal divorce statistics in second marriages.”
As I found
with friends who
said that after surviving betrayal, their marriage is better than ever,
Dr.
Glass says, “I do not want you simply to have what you had before; I
want your
relationship to be different
from what it was. I want you to be
stronger, individually and
together, without the vulnerabilities that created the conditions for
the
affair in the first place.
“Living with
ambivalence for
a period of time is terribly unsettling, but it’s worth remembering
that new
circumstances allow for new opportunities. As
many couples have discovered, new feelings and new
behaviors can emerge
out of the chaos that ensues from an affair. A
crisis of uncertainty often provides fertile ground for
new growth and
redevelopment.
“In my
experience, time is
almost always on the side of the marriage if both spouses are patient.”
“To give up now would be
like buying high and selling low. Even
if you’re still not sure whether the marriage can be saved, you
shouldn’t make
your decision based on the lowest point in your relationship.”
Next, she has
a good chapter
on coping with obsessing and flashbacks. How
reassuring to hear, “Know that it’s normal to feel
disoriented and
confused. Most likely, neither you nor
your partner is crazy, and these crazy feelings will not last forever…. For as long as the first year after
revelation, the betrayed partner may have distressing mental, physical,
and
emotional swings. You may be thinking
that you are doing everything right: You’re
talking more often, and the affair has ended. Why
aren’t you over these feelings? It’s
normal to be having these traumatic
reactions and they will diminish, but only gradually.
First, their frequency will decline; second,
how long they last will decline. The
intensity of the symptoms is the last thing to go, so it can feel as if
you are
backsliding despite other signs of progress.
“Post-traumatic
reactions
cluster into three categories: intrusion,
constriction, and hyperarousal. These
reactions are formally diagnosed as a
post-traumatic stress disorder if the threat was physical or
life-threatening
and if these symptoms last longer than one month. However,
betrayed partners whose psychological
safety is threatened by infidelity commonly display these same
clusters of symptoms, and the symptoms can occur over a long period of
time.”
How
refreshing to be able to
tell people that these symptoms are normal and not a sign that they are
overreacting or crazy! Dr. Glass also
gives tips for dealing with them.
After that,
she covers
repairing the couple and establishing goodwill. Eventually,
she has you work together on building meaning
from the
affair—looking at the vulnerabilities that led to it, looking at the
story of
the affair and the story of your marriage—and working together to build
a
stronger marriage.
After an
affair, the partners
may describe the marriage differently. She
talks about how you can get back to a shared story of
your marriage.
“When people
marry, they
bring almost mythic assumptions to the union, including these: If we love
each other, you will not cheat on
me; if we have a good marriage, we will be safe from infidelity. The truth is that not every person who is
unfaithful is unhappily married. Marital
distress can be seen as either the cause
or the consequence of
infidelity. The marriage may not have
caused
the infidelity, but the disclosure of infidelity will certainly damage
the
marriage.
“Two partners
in the same
relationship may respond quite differently on the question, ‘Does
infidelity
mean we have a bad marriage?’ The
involved partner, as happens frequently, may negatively rewrite the
marital history
in order to justify the affair. The
betrayed partner may focus on the virtues of the marriage in order to
eliminate
self-blame and explain why he or she didn’t see the catastrophe coming.
“Regardless
of what marital
problems may or may not have preceded the affair, both partners need to
use the
aftermath, which can be from three months to two years, to strengthen
the
relationship. How long this takes
depends on a lot of factors, including how distressed the marriage was
before
the affair. This time of rebuilding is
designed to examine and strengthen. Needless
to say, exploring problems in your marriage is
not intended as
a way to excuse the betrayal. A roof
needs to be repaired regardless of whether it collapsed because of a
slowly
decaying frame or was in great shape before it was struck by lightning.”
“Your
objective should be to
figure out how the relationship got off track and how to get it back on
course. This is hard to do if either
partner’s judgment is clouded by the censure and condemnation that
obscure the
delicate thread of shared truth. One of
the challenges of discussing the events along the marital lifeline is
to do it
without casting blame. It’s important to
see what role each partner played in marital problems without holding
the
betrayed partner responsible for the affair. Contributing to marital problems is not
the same as causing
infidelity.”
The final
section of the book
is about healing. “Whether your healing
is accomplished with your partner or alone, you can once again find
love, joy,
and purpose in life. In difficult times,
we all need to be reminded that insight and strength are born from pain
and
struggle. Moving forward means letting
go of the anger and suffering that keep you tied to the past.
“Healing
takes time. No matter how many times you
hear it, it’s
still true. For recovering couples,
patience is more than a virtue—it’s a prerequisite.
In my experience, it takes several months to
get over the initial shock, and full recovery and healing can take
several
years. Traumatic reactions such as
flashbacks and hypervigilance become a rare occurrence but can still be
triggered years later.”
“Regardless
of whether you
continue your journey as part of a couple or as a single person,
forgiveness
means you let go of anger and pain but remember the lessons.”
She explains
what she
means: “Recovering
means that the
infidelity is no longer the focus of daily life: each
partner has regained equilibrium and is
able to perform normal activities, and you can work together when you
need
to. Healing
means that most of the
time it hardly hurts at all: Both
partners have regained hopefulness, confidence, and the resilience to
recover
from whatever losses may occur in the future.”
The
next-to-last chapter is
on forgiveness, because “forgiveness is at the end of a long journey of
healed
wounds.” She says, “Forgiving is not a
single event, but a gradual process of increasing compassion and
reducing
resentment.” (For that process, I highly
recommend Steven Stosny’s book You Don’t Have To Take It Anymore.)
“As you
established safety,
goodwill, and compassionate communication, you were letting go of anger. As you were searching for the meaning of the
events in your life together, you
were gaining empathy for each other. Although
forgiveness is not a precondition
for recovery, it is essential for healing. Now
is the right time for you to make a conscious choice
to seek and
grant forgiveness.”
She reminds
you of some facts
about forgiveness:
“Forgiveness is not
forgetting or pretending it didn’t
happen. Forgiveness allows you to
move
forward into the future without being stuck in the past, but the
lessons and
meaning of the event are an essential part of the remainder of your
life’s
journey.”
“Forgiveness
is not excusing or condoning the behavior. In fact, a behavior that can be easily
excused does not have to be forgiven. The
necessity of forgiving an act means that a grievous
injury
occurred.”
“Forgiveness is a gift you
give to yourself. If you are able
to
free yourself from the anguish and burden of the past through
forgiveness, you
will move forward in your life journey with a lighter step. You will begin the next chapter of your life
with more self-awareness and more options than you had before.”
“Forgiveness is a
choice. You choose not to be held
hostage in the present to the injustices that occurred in the past. Authentic forgiveness acknowledges the wound
and is the result of conscious effort.”
“Forgiveness is letting go
of obsessiveness, bitterness, and resentment.
Forgiveness is built on a sincere desire to let go of
anger and
resentment and a conscious decision to take positive steps to move on
with your
life.”
“Forgiveness is letting go
of the pain. When you forgive, you
free
yourself from continual suffering without minimizing the injury. Forgiving is a personal act that directly
affects the quality of your inner life.”
“Forgiveness is letting go
of revenge and the need to punish. You
make the decision to live in the self-created atmosphere of solutions
rather
than blame.”
If you can’t
forgive for
noble reasons, it’s nice that there are selfish reasons to do it! “Forgiving someone fosters your own
well-being. As you begin to
let go of
the resentment and punishing scenarios, you gain energy that was frozen
by
vindictiveness and pain. The release of
rancor allows the sweetness of serenity to seep into your life.
“Forgiveness
activates the
transformation from victim to survivor. Forgiveness
frees you from the tyranny of people and
events from the
past and decreases the likelihood that you will misdirect your anger in
other
relationships. How good it feels to cast
yourself as the master of your own life rather than as the victim of
circumstances!”
The final
chapter is for
those who have to heal alone. “As we’ve
seen, couples who can weather the storm of infidelity together emerge
stronger
than before. But not every marriage will
make it through the challenging steps that define the road to recovery. Regardless of whether or not they choose it,
some people find themselves facing the future alone.
It’s a hard truth that it
takes two people
to make a marriage and only one person to make a divorce.”
She talks
about the
difficulties of divorce, but then gives hope. “Starting
over is a challenge you may have preferred to
avoid. But starting over does not mean
starting from
scratch. You enter this new phase of
your life with greater self-knowledge and life experience than you had
when you
were first married….You too can take what you’ve learned about
relationships
into the future. You’ve been exposed to
deception and mistrust, but you’ve also been exposed to empowering
information
about compassionate communication and the dynamics of relationships.”
“In a real
sense, betrayed
partners have been victimized. Now
matter what the circumstances, the fact remains that a trusted partner
violated
the basic assumptions of the relationship. Life
may appear to favor the deceitful partner, but in my
experience,
the abandoned partner often ends up with a better life than before.”
Her advice
echoes that of
Michele Weiner-Davis in The Divorce Remedy: “An antidote to feeling victimized is the
conscious
cultivation of your
own inner resources and goals. You know
you can survive in the face of tremendous obstacles, so, step by step,
you will
become more independent. It will take
some time to reach wholeness, but you do not need to do your healing
alone. Call on your friends and family for
help. Tell others what you want and need
from them. Teach the people who care
about you how to help you through the dark times.”
“No matter
where the energy
comes from, the process is the same. Let
go of the hurt and the anger, and get on with your own life.
“There is no
revenge as sweet
as living a joyful life.”
This book
isn’t only for
people recovering from an affair. “NOT
‘Just Friends’ is for any man or woman in a committed
relationship who
interacts with interesting, attractive people. Love
alone does not protect you or your partner from
temptation. It’s not always easy to
recognize the
thresholds that mark the passage from platonic friend to extramarital
affair
partner. This book can be a valuable
resource for protecting any couple. It
will
be of interest to anyone who wants to know more about the complex
dynamics of
how people form and maintain committed relationships.
It will help you better understand yourself
and your partner.”
She doesn’t
say you have to
give up all your friendships with people of the opposite sex: “Good friendships and a loving marriage: This is what is possible when you value and
preserve the differences between them. You
can learn how to keep your commitment strong and your
friendships
safe, so that you will stay in the safety zone and remain ‘just
friends.’”
You can find
out more about
Shirley Glass on her website, www.shirleyglass.com.
Copyright © 2006 Sondra
Eklund. All rights reserved.
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Book Reviews by Sondra Eklund
