Reviewed June 30, 2006.
G. P. Putnam’s Sons, New York, 1999. 227 pages.
Available at Sembach Library (158.1 FOS).
Here’s another book that
seemed to come to my attention at exactly the right time with exactly
what I
needed to hear.
I continue to say that
God knows me well, and He knows that if He wants to give me a message,
sending
it through a book is sure to reach me!
I liked this
book so much, I
bought myself my own copy to go through slowly and refer to again over
the
years.
Rick Foster
and Greg Hicks
started out as corporate consultants. “We
spent years solving issues that are familiar to many
of
us—misunderstandings between people, lack of trust, poor collaboration. We thought that fixing these problems would
make people happier.
“But
eventually, we learned a
truth: When we fix our problems, all we
end up with is fewer problems. We feel
better only until the next problem crops us, which it inevitably does. In fact, we can keep ‘fixing’ forever without
ever creating real happiness.
“At about the
same time we
began to take notice of a few unusual people who stood out from the
crowd. They seemed to live in a different
world from
the rest of us. They had life
‘wired.’ Regardless of the problems
swirling around them, they moved through life with grace, warmth and an
elegance that was both alluring and mysterious. There
was only one way we could describe them: extremely
happy. And
we were fascinated by them.
“So we
shifted gears,
deciding to focus our attention on the world of happy people, not just
at work,
but in every aspect of life. If
resolving issues wasn’t the source of their happiness, what was? We had other questions, as well.
What makes them tick? How do
they stay emotionally elevated? What are
they doing that the rest of us
aren’t?”
“What we
uncovered amazed
us. Even though the people we
interviewed were extremely diverse and their situations varied, they
all had
something in common. Rich or poor, black
or white, married or single, old or young, they each created happiness
by
making the same nine choices.
“What we
learned changed us in
ways we could not have imagined, opening up a whole new world, a whole
new way
to be, to think, to live. It changed the
way we related to each other, the way we parented, our notions about
friendships, our approaches to consulting and our feelings about the
value and
richness in ordinary lives well-lived—lives that could teach us
something
valuable.”
This book
communicates what
they learned about happiness. They say,
“Have we created a tangible, clear guide to happiness?
Yes. Can we make you happy? No. You have to
make yourself happy. What we can give you
is a portrait of
happiness showing you how to grow, learn and change.”
They define
true happiness as
“a profound, enduring feeling of contentment, capability and
centeredness. It’s a rich sense of
well-being that comes
from knowing you can deal productively and creatively with all that
life
offers—both the good and the bad. It’s
knowing your internal self and responding to your real needs, rather
than the
demands of others. And it’s a deep sense
of engagement—living in the moment and enjoying life’s bounty.”
“Beyond the
discussion of
genetics and biochemistry, two critically important themes emerged from
our
discussions with extremely happy people. First,
happiness comes from within—you
can’t find it
outside
yourself. Second, you can choose
happiness—it is not a matter of luck or happenstance. You have the power to create your own
happiness. These themes will emerge
constantly throughout this book.”
This book
intrigued me. I think of myself as a happy
person, but my
last year was rough, and I had come out of a severe depression, and
still take
antidepressants. When I was in the
middle of the book, a major blow came to me. I
was scheduled to have surgery, and my husband made it
clear he didn’t
want to help me during the recovery period. I
was feeling very sad. The
next
chapter in this book was called “Recasting,” and I was sure it was
about seeing
the bright side of bad things, so I figured my down day disqualified me.
But this book
said
otherwise. Happiness isn’t about denying
or ignoring painful emotions, burying them and pretending they don’t
exist. I was encouraged to read that
happy people experience their feelings and fully engage their emotions
and then
move on. So there was still hope for
me—I was certainly feeling this emotion of sadness!
They picture
the nine choices
in a circle, not a hierarchy. “Each of
the nine choices made my happy people stands alone as an important and
valuable
life choice. But when they come together,
they create a synergistic system. In
other words, when they work as a whole their total result is far
greater than
the sum of their individual parts. And
that synergy creates deep, long-term happiness.”
They do,
however, put the
first choice, Intention, in the center of the circle.
“In our research and subsequent work with
individuals and groups, intention is the force behind all happiness,
the
fundamental choice that drives the other eight choices.
It’s compelling because it initiates an adventure
that’s waiting to happen. It’s the
prelude of things to come. It’s the
instant we turn the key in the ignition. It’s
when we decide to pick up the phone and begin to dial.
It’s opening a book to the first page.
“The
intention to be happy is
a mindset that propels us toward living as happily as we can,
predisposing us
to make each day as joyful and significant as it can be.
It’s the point at which we stop responding
unconsciously and actively decide we want to be happy.
We make a promise to ourselves, a commitment
to happiness that becomes our compass, guiding the decisions we make
and the
actions we take.”
“The
intention to be happy is
an umbrella that covers all of our other intentions.
It overlays our intentions to be good
citizens, excellent parents and loving friends. While
none of the happy people we spoke with told us that
happiness was,
by itself, a final goal, they actively integrate the intention to be
happy into
every part of life. They are not just
parents, friends and lovers, they intend to be happy parents,
friends,
lovers.”
“At the heart
of happiness is
the realization that we can always choose our reactions.”
“If we desire
happiness, we
can’t rely on anything outside of ourselves to make us happy, whether
it’s a
new car or a better love life. Even
though our commercial world shouts at us that we can buy happiness, we
know
that it doesn’t really work.
“When we
choose intention
along with the other eight choices we can create happiness from
within—true
happiness that is lasting. The new car,
latest promotion or community recognition may give us a momentary
thrill, but
the happiness that comes from within us is a profound sensation that
endures. This is the kind of happiness
we truly desire.”
The second
choice is
Accountability. “Accountability is how
intention comes to life…. It’s a feeling
that we can be in control of our own lives. It’s
honoring our right to craft a life for ourselves that
is rewarding,
rich and exuberant. It’s believing that
we deserve to be happy and can nurture ourselves. It’s
the assumption that no matter what life
presents we have the ability to move ahead—to do something good for
ourselves,
to make a difference, to have an effect.”
“Happy people
don’t see
themselves as victims, even under the most difficult circumstances. Their focus is on finding solutions to their
problem and looking for what they can do to make their lives better.
“There is a
difference
between accountability and responsibility. Although
accountable people are responsible, responsible
people are not
necessarily accountable. Responsible
people are not necessarily accountable. Responsible
people do all that is required of them—they
pay the bills,
take out the garbage, raise the kids, go to work, and follow the rules. In short, they are good citizens, and we
admire them.
“But that
doesn’t mean
they’re happy. Especially if, along the
way, they’re blaming the boss, complaining about the kids, and allowing
external events to control the direction of their lives.
Being responsible is important, but when
we’re accountable, we forge ahead, improving the quality of our lives
by
becoming proactive rather than reactive. We
create our own circumstances, rather than allowing
circumstances to dictate
to us. As creators of our own lives, we
are filled up. We feel content, capable
and in control.”
“Of the many
behaviors that
characterize happy people, one stands out resoundingly.
Happy people avoid blaming in all its
incarnations. They don’t blame other
people, they don’t blame circumstances, and they don’t blame themselves. To happy people, blame serves no
purpose. It doesn’t ever get us what we
truly desire.
“In fact, our
research
clearly shows that blame, along with its family members—greed, envy and
jealousy—are among the most dramatic indicators of unhappiness. These reactions lead nowhere.
They are only ways to dodge
responsibility. Except for the brief sense
of satisfaction that comes from pointing a finger at someone else,
blaming
ultimately leaves us stuck with feelings of resentment.
“The choice
to be accountable
is the choice to be masters of our own fates.”
“When we
answer the question
‘What’s my part?’ we feel better, happier. Why? Because we are
addressing
the only thing we can affect—ourselves. We
give ourselves the power to move through the situation,
rather than
being bogged down by trying to get the other party to change.
“Focusing on
‘my part’ after
we’ve been attacked may seem counterintuitive. But
this is what happy people do.”
The third
choice is Identification—“the
choice happy people make to figure out what makes them truly happy. They don’t dance to the happiness messages
others send them: buy this product, join
this club, follow this ideology. Rather,
they look deeply within themselves to envision what will make them
happiest in
a given situation. They don’t do it
occasionally or only when something big happens. The
happiest people do it as a matter of
course, every day of their lives.”
“Sometimes
we’re so busy
responding to other people’s formulas for happiness that we haven’t
created a
formula of our own. This can be the
crucial difference between our long-term feeling of happiness and a
sense of
frustration and emptiness.”
This step
reminds me of what
FlyLady teaches on her website, www.flylady.net. FLY stands for “finally loving
yourself.” For some people, the biggest
obstacle to identification is believing that you don’t deserve to have
time to
spend on yourself.
One woman
considered seeking
her own happiness superficial and self-indulgent. She
spent her energy trying to make a
difference in her community. But after
she began trying to put some happiness into her life, she said, “I
believe more
than ever about giving back to the community. But
now I also believe that I can build happiness into my
life. When I do, I’m more energized and
effective
and less stressed. I’m nurturing myself
as I nurture the community.”
The fourth
choice is
Centrality. “Centralizing is happy
people’s nonnegotiable choice to pursue the greatest passions of their
minds
and hearts. It’s what energizes
them. It’s what makes them sparkle. And it’s what integrates them into their
world.”
The wording
there reminds me
of the Sparkle Theory I developed in college: “Every
human being desperately needs sparkles.” For
a young, single girl, it’s easiest to get
those sparkles in a relationship. But
sometimes we’ll look for a relationship only to get the sparkles. And when a relationship dies (or your husband
wants a divorce), you will need to find other sparkles in your life.
“Centralities
are an
expression of who we are as authentic individuals.
They’re what make us feel most vital and
alive. And in their diversity, they
celebrate the variety of human experience. Whether
it’s spending time with grandchildren or rock
climbing, living
our centralities makes our individual path unique, exciting and well
worth
following.”
“So how do we
do it? Centralizing may seem difficult,
but it can
be as easy as choosing one item each day from your Dream List. Even pushing ourselves to do little things,
like cooking dinner with our spouses or filling the house with cut
flowers, can
add richness to our lives. We forget how
meaningful simple pleasures can be.
“Even under
the most difficult
circumstances, happy people find a way to centralize.
Every extremely happy person we encountered
managed in some way to build a life around his or her passions. Doing so requires ingenuity and creativity,
and in this chapter we’ll give you portraits of happy people who have
made
changes in order to be happy.”
“In order for
us to live our
passions, creativity and problem-solving—not money—are the keys.”
“Centralizing
requires having
enough self-worth to withstand pressures—from our loved ones, our
bosses and
from our own internal voices. If we wait
for unanimous support, it will never come. At
any given time, some people will be supportive, others
will be
critical. Making everyone around us
happy is an impossible task. It is
enough to make ourselves happy.”
The fifth
choice of extremely
happy people is Recasting, the one that especially struck me as I was
reading
the book.
“One way [to
deal with
difficult times] is to adopt the ‘get over it, get on with your life’
strategy. Another way is to decide you’d
rather stay upbeat and positive regardless of the severity of the
situation. What entices us about these
approaches is that they make it appear that we’ve gotten through the
problem
without having to feel the pain. But
ultimately these approaches are forms of denial. And
denial, unfortunately, fails to bring
long-term happiness.
“There’s no
way around the
fact that life brings pain. It’s part of
the human experience. The question is
‘What do we do with that pain?’ Happy
people have an answer that is uniquely powerful and moving. One of the most extraordinary discoveries in
our interviews is that happy people universally react to painful
situations in
the same way. We call it recasting. By
recasting, they move
through events that are otherwise debilitating, with an elegance and
efficiency
that is stunning.”
“Recasting
has two
phases. First, happy people dive into
negative feelings head on and experience them deeply.
They listen to what their minds and bodies
are telling them. They don’t censor raw
emotion, deny feelings or run from pain as many of us do in an attempt
to ‘just
go on.’ Rather, they honor their own
emotional world by feeling it, even when avoidance would be easier.
“Once they
are fully engaged
with their emotions they move into the second phase.
They begin to transform their feelings with
new reactions and insights. What lessons
can they learn? What new meaning can
they create for their lives? What hopes
for the future can they carry away from this experience?”
“When we
recast we put the
event and our reactions into a psychological furnace and melt them down. Over time, we allow ourselves to feel the
heat of negative emotions and
forge a richer, deeper meaning from the
trauma.”
“Underlying
recasting is a
powerful notion: We have the strength to
master our reactions purposefully to even the most traumatic events,
and, in so
doing, transform ourselves. Therefore,
we do not have to be held captive by sadness and loss.
We can experience them fully and grow richer
from having been in their shadow.”
“Fear says,
‘I can’t
cope.’ Recasting says, ‘I can
cope.’ Fear says, ‘I’m not going to be
able to handle the bad things that are happening.’
Recasting says, ‘I can work through painful
situations and emotions.’
“Fear is a
trap. It keeps us stuck in unhappiness. It obscures analysis, keeping negative events
clouded by anxiety. But working through
fear can enrich us, providing new insights. By
allowing our real feelings to surface, recasting helps
us manage them
effectively and sets us free.”
“Obviously,
big problems take
time to develop, and sudden trauma can wound us even more deeply. There is no ‘quick fix.’ Recasting
takes time, practice and
follow-through. But there is a real
benefit. Recasting ultimately requires
less energy than chronic suffering and grief.”
“Recasting
stands alone among
all the choices of happy people because it works specifically with
events that
leave us profoundly unhappy. Whereas the
other choices generate new, increased happiness, recasting restores
happiness
when it’s been taken away. As such, it
is an essential skill. Without it, we
can make all the other eight choices but still be unarmed to deal with
crises.”
The sixth
choice of happy
people is Options. “Happy people thrive
in an ever-changing world by opening up their lives to a daily bounty
of
opportunity.”
“For happy
people, every
experience offers a new chance for adventure. A
business trip, the open house at their child’s school or
even a
much-dreaded family reunion are seen as offering possibilities and
potentialities that can’t be anticipated in advance.”
I need to
take this choice to
heart as I’m writing this. My husband’s
planning to divorce me, and we are due to leave Germany
this summer. I was planning to follow him
wherever he’s
stationed, so that he could continue to spend lots of time with our
younger
son. (Our older son will be off to
college.) However, he volunteered to go
to Japan,
unaccompanied. I’m definitely sad at the
thought of being on the other side of the world from him, but I don’t
have to
let that ruin my happiness. Even though
I don’t like it, this opens up all kinds of possibilities for me. I can live wherever in the world I want to
live. I will probably move to live near
two dear friends whom I’ve known and loved since third grade.
The authors
say about happy
people: “They are never rigid about
their plans. They don’t assume that
things have to go a certain way, and they are willing to approach each
day with
flexibility. To them, rigidity causes
unhappiness.”
“Happy people
approach life
differently. They use divergent
thinking, the consideration of many prospects without a sole outcome in
mind. This is discovering possibilities
and developing scenarios. They told us,
in effect, ‘The conclusion will take care of itself.’”
“If we look
back over our
lives at our most thrilling accomplishments, they were likely things we
never
dreamed were realistic or measurable. But
we gave them a shot anyway. Happiness
requires this kind of unfettered creativity. If
we only do things we already know to be
achievable, we will rob ourselves of some of our greatest moments.”
“To happy
people, limitations
are challenges. And how do they rise to
the challenges? Creativity.
They are much like sculptors who envision
beautiful shapes and forms inside rough blocks of granite.
Give them what appears to be nothing and they
revel in the search to make it something. Each
new day presents the potential for relationships,
education,
personal growth, professional development and just plain fun.”
The seventh
choice is
Appreciation. This one isn’t too
surprising. “Appreciation is many things
and assumes many forms. Appreciation is
transformation. It is awareness. It’s how we acknowledge others.
It’s the way we open our emotional floodgates
and let our happiness flow into the world. And
appreciation is our way of living fully in the moment.”
“Appreciation
like this is
existence in the moment. Nothing is
taken for granted. Life is a gift, and
happy people look for what can be appreciated now.
When they find it, worries from the past and
anxieties about the future fade against the Technicolor experience of
the present.
“The logic
behind all this is
clear. It’s a physical fact that, no
matter what happened an hour ago, a week ago or what might happen in an
hour or
in a week, happiness can only
be felt now, in this moment. It can’t be
experienced any other way. We can
anticipate the future and we can
remember the past, but it is only in the present moment that we can
feel.”
“No
experience is entirely
bad or entirely good. No event is
without something that can be appreciated. No
feelings ever go to waste. And
here’s the good news: Unlike just about
everything else in life, there’s no down side to appreciation. It never works against us.”
The eighth
choice is
Giving. “True giving, radiant giving,
comes from the same inner place as deep happiness.
It’s a desire to share our personal sense of
worth and values. It’s having the
self-esteem to feel that what we have to offer is valuable—our advice,
wisdom,
expertise, skills, physical labor. The
manner in which we give these gifts is a reflection of who we are.”
“Happy people
don’t expect a
return. They give because it is a decree
of their heart, letting their internal sense of contentment and joy
overflow
into the world. They want no other
payoff. The more they give, the happier
they feel, and the happier they feel, the more they give.”
“Giving is a
complex
behavior, made even more complex because we receive so many cultural
messages
about how, where, when and why to give. But
giving in its purest form—as when a father shares
something of
himself with his son—is powerful in its directness and authenticity,
and it has
the potential of changing the entire course of a lifetime.”
The final
choice of extremely
happy people is Truthfulness. It
completes the circle, going back around to Accountability (with
Intention in
the center).
“The choice
to be truthful is
a rich and deeply personal statement that happy people make about
themselves, to themselves. It is a kind of truth
that speaks to the ability to confront our personal mythologies, to
look at our
behavior honestly, and to do what is right for ourselves, regardless of
the
social pressure to do otherwise. This
fundamental honesty to ourselves also becomes the wellspring of
truthfulness
with others.”
“Unfortunately,
in our most
important relationships we often assume that we need to be strategic,
discreet
and withholding to protect ourselves. From
what are we protecting ourselves? If the
truth were told, we fear rejection, retaliation and
embarrassment.
“But not
telling the truth to
ourselves and others is the source of many of our greatest problems. Without truth there can be no real intimacy
in our most important relationships. At
work we don’t feel genuine. We lose
connection to our children. But, most
important, we lose contact with our true selves. Can
we, in fact, know ourselves if we don’t
tell the truth to ourselves?”
“Truth is
like a crossword
puzzle. If one small word is incorrect,
you have to manipulate all of the words around that one inaccuracy to
complete
the puzzle. This is why even ‘little
white lies’ are stressful. We have to
remember the lie and who we told it to. We
have to worry about being caught or that someone will
expose us. But most of all, like the word
in the puzzle,
we are out of alignment with what we know is true.”
“The word truth can be
terribly abused. We’ve all seen it used
as a weapon. People who use personal
attack masquerading as ‘just telling the truth’ will often say, ‘I’m
very honest. I just tell it the way it is.’ But under the guise of honesty, that
statement translates into the license to say, ‘It’s your fault.’ ‘You blew it.’ Or
‘Honestly, you’re a jerk.’ Accountable
truth-telling has nothing to do
with blame.
“Happy people
view truth as
something precious, and they nurture it carefully.
Using the truth as a tool to hurt someone, or
to abuse a truth in any way, would not only be unaccountable but also
intolerable.”
“People are
drawn to the
truth. They want the truth.
It’s like a magnet. They are
attracted to those who are honest. As we
heard more and more stories that
illustrate how honesty invites intimacy, we began to refer to this
phenomenon
as ‘the truth magnet.’”
The authors
add a final
chapter to their book, called Synergy. This
chapter talks about how all the choices come together
in a
beautiful synergy.
“Does the
wheel end at
truthfulness, our last of the nine choices? No. As with any circle, this
is
only one segment in an ever-moving design. As
giving has flowed into this segment, truthfulness now
flows back to
accountability. Because, after all, how
can you be fully accountable to yourself unless you know your truth?
“Once again,
all of the
choices are driven by intention. What is
our intention when we’re dealing with ourselves and others? Is it to hide, to protect, to hurt, to
manipulate, to punish, or is it to enlighten, to help, to be authentic
and
genuine?
“We continue
to move around
the wheel, as the adventure of ever-increasing contentment,
centeredness and
capability continues. We are on a
lifelong journey when we choose to be happy.”
If these
ideas and choices
intrigue you at all, I highly recommend this book.
The authors expand greatly on these excerpts
I’ve presented, and they provide stories from the happy people they
interviewed
to illustrate each point. This book can
be life-changing—the choice is yours!
Check out the authors' website at www.choosetobehappy.com
Review of another book by the authors:
Choosing Brilliant Health
Copyright © 2006 Sondra
Eklund. All rights reserved.
-top of page-
Book Reviews by Sondra Eklund
