Burn the Haystack

Decode Dating, Torch the Duds, and Make Room for Men Who Matter

by Jennie Young, PhD

Review posted July 8, 2026.
William Morrow (HarperCollins), 2026. 302 pages.
Review written June 14, 2026, from an advance reader copy.
Starred Review

This book is absolutely brilliant! When I first took it home from our shelf of advance reader copies at work, I got hooked and stayed up way, way too late reading it. Then I put it down and tried to avoid reading it again because I didn't want to stay up too late!

I had just finished reading another book about dating, which made me glad to not even be trying it again - but this book has changed my perspective, and I might actually try going back on the apps, if I get to a place where I'm willing to give it a little time. Whereas the other book implied that if you want to date with a matchmaker, you should be willing to put in plenty of effort - this approach is different and encourages you not to spend a lot of time on the apps.

Here's the premise: Finding a man who'd be a good partner in a long-term relationship is like finding a needle in the haystack. How do you find a needle in a haystack? Burn the haystack of course!

The key step to burning the dating app haystack is "Block to Burn" or B2B. Once you've figured out a man is not an appropriate match, you don't apologize. You don't explain. You block him. If you don't block, the apps will cycle back to the same men they already showed you.

She admits you'll go on fewer dates with this method - but they should be better ones.

And that's not all. Jennie Young has a PhD in Rhetoric. So she shows you not one, not two, but thirty-three red flag rhetorical patterns - and she explains what these patterns tell you and why you don't need to feel guilty about blocking to burn.

This part delighted me - because in my experience with online dating, I'm pretty sure I've seen every one of these patterns. They are not rare (and many men combine several). But when I tried to explain why I don't like strangers calling me "Dear" in their first message, some friends tried to tell me I was being too picky and should give them a chance. So I laughed out loud (and felt vindicated) when I read this (meant to be humorous) about the rhetorical pattern of people who quickly give you a pet name:

It seems obvious that people shouldn't use pet names with strangers, but men do all the time. Rather than spending too much time trying to figure out why, let's focus on what calling women pet names reveals about the men who are doing so:

--That they are presumptuous enough to assume women will be okay with this and/or like the pet names they choose.
--That they view women as objects and animals rather than complex human beings whom they do not know.
--That they've somehow missed sweeping changes to discourse norms for the past several decades. It's true that there was a time when men could get away with calling women they didn't know "honey" or "sweetie pie," but that time is long past.
--That they are socially clueless and insensitive.

Any one of these revelations suggests a man is undatable. Block to burn the pet namers.

Another pattern it felt vindicated to see mentioned was the "No drama" guys. I once posted a PSA on Twitter about what a bad idea it is to put "No Drama" in your dating profile - It totally implies that this guy does not and will not take his girlfriend's emotions seriously. But when I posted that, some random guy on Twitter mansplained to me why it's actually okay! Needless to say, he convinced me even more deeply to avoid such men. And now I know that everyone following the Burn the Haystack Method is doing the same!

Or then there's the people whose first message is "Hi!" There's a whole sidebar about why you don't need to bother with them. I'd learned that the hard way, but felt guilty about it. Now - B2B.

Honestly, I was already considered "too picky" by many of my friends. I've only been on four first dates with men I've met online - but they were all good dates, and two of them led to further dates. But the catch was I only blocked obvious scammers. So yes, I saw the same people I'd ruled out again and again. And I got tired of wading through the hay, and just gave up on online dating.

And the best part? I was afraid I'd forget some of the thirty-three rhetorical patterns. But I joined the author's Burn the Haystack Facebook group! People post examples, and the whole community chimes in. Most are encouraging the person posting to block, but just today, someone got the opposite advice because it was probably not a red flag the way it was worded. So the group doesn't just bash every man. And many success stories are also posted. With every posting, I'm learning more about the method and will feel less and less guilty about blocking men whom I definitely don't want to start a relationship with.

Yes, she admits you'll date fewer men with this method. But I, for one, think that's much, much better. I was already ruling a lot of people out - but this will make it easier and completely guilt-free. And who knows? Maybe a needle will come up.

In closing, I have also been accused of being judgy - and here's the author's response to that accusation:

It's definitely judgy, but I don't see that as a negative. I love to judge things. I consider myself an excellent judge. It isjudgy, and it should be. You are choosing a human being, potentially for the rest of your life. There is no scenario that calls for more judgment. Being judgy keeps us safe, protects our boundaries and our time, and results in far better selections. Judge away, I say!

Oh, I should also add that this method is primarily for women looking for a long-term monogamous relationship. The author never implies that anything else is bad - that's just what this method is designed for. Men who read the book can learn what not to say in their dating profiles. But if they don't mean it and clean up their intentions behind those words - I do think red flags will slip out anyway. If you avoid these red flags and really mean what you're saying - I think you'll end up being a better relationship partner, so it's all good.

So, will I use this info and jump into the dating pool again? I'm not sure, but meanwhile, I'm thoroughly enjoying watching empowered women in the Facebook group ruthlessly block to burn and end up finding their needles. Or simply being happier on their own.

If you're single, I highly recommend this book. If you're not single, you might get a kick out of it, too. At least stop giving dating advice to single friends until you've read it, please.