I'm a little ambivalent about this book. When I read Attached, back in 2012, I thought Aha! That's what went wrong in my marriage! I have an Anxious attachment style and he had an Avoidant one.

But hold on. At the end of our relationship, my husband was having an affair. So yes, I was Anxious about our relationship. Yes, I noticed all kinds of little clues that something was wrong. And yes, he was avoiding closeness. He was trying to keep me from finding out the truth. This doesn't mean it's an enduring truth about me.

I've had two short-term boyfriends since getting divorced. With the first one, I was, honestly, looking for a new husband and a little quick to conclude maybe I'd found one. In that scenario, is it any wonder he came across as Avoidant, and I came across as Anxious?

But funny thing, in the next relationship, I was never completely sure we were a good match (and ultimately was the one who decided we were not) - and I had absolutely no trouble at all with Anxious behaviors. You could say it's because I didn't really Attach, but through the whole thing I felt Secure. I enjoyed the time we had together, but I wasn't overly concerned whether it was going to continue or not.

In this book, they admit right off the bat that different relationships will have different levels of security. They've got a little test to rate yourself on different relationships. They do have a general test of your attachment style - and not being in a relationship at all, I came out as Secure, by that measure.

So I guess I'm trying to say that conclusions you may have made about yourself based on the original book about Attachment Theory really may depend on the situation.

This book is about helping make your attachments more secure.

Interesting to me, as part of #Sonderbooks25 celebrating 25 years of writing Sonderbooks, I've been reading quotes I posted on my Sonderquotes blog in 2008. Many of those quotes were from Codepent No More, by Melody Beattie, and The Little Book of Letting Go, by Hugh Prather - and the general drift of so many of the quotes that struck me when I was in the midst of healing from being cheated on were similar to the advice here about becoming more secure if you have a tendency to be anxious.

So it's not bad advice. There are good nuggets here. With the distance of years, I'm thinking that at times there are reasons your attachment may become insecure that aren't a reflection on your "attachment style."

The fundamentals of a Secure life that he presents are surrounding yourself with people who are CARRP - Consistent, Available, Responsive, Reliable, and Predictable. So I think what I'm trying to say is that if you are attached to someone who suddenly stops being those things (like a cheating husband), your attachment to them will stop being secure. This book helps you feel more secure in yourself and helps you know when to let go as well as when to be willing to attach (for those tending toward avoidance).

He's got some more detailed ways to help you adjust in different situations, and tips to help keep out of pitfalls for the different attachment styles. There are several situations presented, and I did well on the little quizzes, so maybe I have learned to be secure.

So this book goes a little further into attachment styles. It doesn't merely diagnose, but also gives ideas and strategies for becoming more secure. I think I might have found it more helpful if I were currently in a romantic relationship.