At a Loss

Today I was reading in Luke 9 about Jesus’ Transfiguration. He went up on a mountain with Peter, James, and John. While he was praying, suddenly his face changed, his clothes became white like lightning, and Moses and Elijah appeared, talking with him.

In verse 33 — “As the men were leaving Jesus, Peter said to him, ‘Master, it is good for us to be here. Let us put up three shelters — one for you, one for Moses and one for Elijah.'” — And this is the part I love: Luke felt it necessary to tell us, “(He did not know what he was saying.)”

Imagine if Luke hadn’t told us that! Would people have tried to build theology on Peter’s three shelters? But the truth is: It’s pretty clear Peter was babbling.

Have you ever been at a loss like that with God? I also love that Jesus didn’t rebuke Peter. Mind you, he ignored him. And, okay, a voice came from heaven telling Peter to be quiet and listen to Jesus.

***

I’m in something of a bewildering phase of life right now.

My youngest just turned 21. This summer he’s doing an internship on the other side of the country. He’s going to graduate from college after one more semester, and is talking about moving to the other side of the country.

Of course, I’m divorced, so the Empty Nest is truly empty. And I’m having no luck even finding someone I want to date. Doubts about whether I ever will, whether I’m even dating material, threaten to surface.

And meanwhile, my oldest son has told me he’s actually my daughter — and is taking hormones to change gender.

Mind you, it was a wonderful thing that they told me this face to face — so I could know fully and viscerally that this is still my kid, still the same person whom I do and always will love with all my heart.

But I’m experiencing feelings of loss. It brings home the fact that those rosy days of being a happy family living in Germany, visiting castles — those days are completely over. (They got rosier in retrospect, by the way!) All three of “my boys” are quite different now. My kids, mind you, are adults of whom I’m incredibly proud. But I don’t live with a family; I live alone.

Now, what my mind tells me to do is embrace the present, notice all the wonderful things (and there are many) about living on my own, and be thankful.

But I’m human — and I’m at a loss about my losses.

I need God’s grace.

And, praise Him, He gives it freely.

“Lord, it’s good for us to be here. Here are my plans for dealing with the situation…”

“Sondy, this is my Son. Listen to him.”

May I listen well….

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