Learning from Illness

When I reviewed Louise Hay’s book, You Can Heal Your Life, I reflected on my own resistance to the idea that affirmations can actually affect your health. However, I also pointed out that the maladies I have suffered from do seem to be helped by her affirmation “prescriptions.” So I continue to read her books, admittedly with a dose of skepticism.

Then, a few weeks ago, I had a CT scan done of my neck which found an anomaly in my left pyriform sinus (behind my vocal cords) which could possibly be cancer. They did an additional MRI and put a scope down my throat, and I was hoping it was a false alarm, because they thought it might just be normal variation. However, my neck and throat have been hurting since, so I’m going to ask them to go ahead and do a biopsy.

It just so happened that when I got the news about the scan, I was in the middle of slowly reading Louise Hay’s latest book, written with a medical doctor. And I was on the chapter about problems in the mouth, neck, and throat.

Now that I’m again afraid there might be an actual problem, I thought it would be worth revisiting her words.

In addition to the current problems, the stroke I had 3 years ago happened because of a right vertebral artery dissection — an injury in my neck.

First, she says neck problems relate to communication, but I don’t really think I have a problem with that. Why, I’m a writer at heart. I love words.

Then I read this:

Problems of the neck are often found in people who — even if they have flawless communication skills on a regular basis — become inflexible and frustrated when they are unable to control the outcome of a situation….

Neck pain, arthritis, and stiffness often come to those people who have amazing communication skills — both listening and speaking. Trying to see both sides of almost any story, they often become ill when their ability to clearly communicate things doesn’t work as they expect it to. When an argument can’t be settled by talking or when something in their lives goes wrong and they can’t control it, they often become aggravated and stubborn, sticking to their opinion and refusing to consider other viewpoints. The frustration that leads to the breakdown in communication often creates illness in the neck.

And, well, when I read that, I immediately thought of my ex-husband.

Mind you, I’ve been working hard on letting him go. I’m no longer praying that he will come back to me. But I still pray that he will come back to God. I still so wish that his faith would be restored.

There’s more from Louise Hay:

People with neck problems, in general, tend to not be as good at the listening aspect of communication because they cling to set opinions and block out new ideas. They tend to be stubborn and inflexible and unable to see or understand other people’s points of view.

— I thought I was good at new ideas.

But then I realize that about faith? Not so much.

Now, I’ve come a long way. I’m not *nearly* as much a little Pharisee as I once was. But I just can’t believe that my ex-husband is doing the right thing rejecting God. And I also don’t believe he did the right thing rejecting me or having an affair. And Divorce is Wrong. And, yeah, I guess I’m still stubborn and inflexible.

More from Louise Hay:

Once your neck is healthier, some fundamental changes must occur to maintain equilibrium while moving forward. Learning to accept your emotional limitations in the middle of a discussion is one key to improving your neck problems. You do have an amazing skill for intuitively listening, understanding, and making logical arguments. However, you must accept where your intellectual power to reason and communicate ends. When you encounter conflicts that you can’t resolve, don’t push your opinion stubbornly, adding to the frustration of the situation. Instead remind yourself that there are multiple answers to every problem. Realize that your role is only one part of the solution. Finding balance between what you can control and what you can’t and knowing when it is time to walk away from conflict will lead to better health in the fifth emotional center….

We can create so many problems for ourselves by our attitudes. Stubbornness, inflexibility, and trying to fix other people against their will can all contribute to neck problems.

Trying to fix other people against their will. Um, yeah.

Then it hit me even harder when I was talking with my sister on the phone and started telling her about Louise Hay’s description of people with neck problems. She laughed (Laughed!) because the description was so apt.

I had imagined that I would tell her this and then explain, despite her incredulity, that I suspect this description might, a tiny bit, apply to me.

I am an INFJ, and I recently read a post about Myers-Briggs type New Year’s Resolutions where I related to the ENFJ resolution:

“I resolve to avoid meddling in the lives of my loved ones, even if they are making a mistake.”

Outcome: Allows their friends to fail at their new year’s resolutions, then sits each of them down to talk about what went wrong and how they can fix it.

I have to say that my sister did get me wrong in one aspect. She started talking about ways I could feel more compassion for my ex-husband. That is not the problem. If I didn’t still love him deeply, it wouldn’t bother me that he’s so wrong!

I suspect that meddling in other people’s lives is an INFJ and ENFJ failing. Because first we see the world in black and white. Then we are able to intuit what other people need. Therefore, we know what is best for everyone around us! Yay!

This is actually something of a superpower in my job as a librarian, because I am very good at knowing what books other people really “should” read. However, I am able to let it go once I make the recommendation, and I don’t mind if they don’t follow it — because I know myself how long it takes me to get around to reading recommended books.

But with life choices? With someone I love deeply? There it’s so much harder for me to accept their choices that seem completely wrong to me.

I’m actually not crazy about the affirmations Louise Hay proposes to help change your thinking. She suggests, “I welcome new ideas and new concepts and prepare them for digestion and assimilation.” Or, “It is with flexibility and ease that I see all sides of an issue. There are endless ways of doing things and seeing things.”

This isn’t consistent with what she pointed out above that such people do try to “see both sides of any story” — but have a hard time when we can’t convince others with what we’ve learned.

Also, I’m not particularly sure I want to accept new ideas that suggest it’s ever acceptable to cheat on your spouse. Or that it’s ever a good idea to reject God. (Accepting the new idea that Divorce Can Be Good is something I still struggle with. And since I was the one who filed for divorce the final time, I do want to get there.)

However, I do believe that God can bring good out of absolutely anything and that some people will have to go through hell before they truly understand God’s great love. Some people learn much more effectively when they do it the hard way. And that’s Okay.

And I definitely want to be the sort of person who lets those I love make their own choices, even when I think they are bad choices.

I wrote my own affirmations, and I hope I can learn to think this way:

“I put my loved ones into God’s hands.”

“I love and respect my friends and family enough to let them choose their own paths and make their own mistakes.”

And the truth is, it’s hard to go through life knowing what’s best for everyone else! As I tried to explain to my sister, it’s no problem with people I don’t care about. If I hated my ex-husband, what he does wouldn’t bother me. Even with my sons, it doesn’t bring me as much agony to let them make their own mistakes, because I can see that they’re learning and growing.

With friends? I do have a natural inclination to meddle. With people I love? I so want them to have a good life! Let them use my insight! I know what they should do!

Well, maybe not.

I wonder if it will help my neck problems if I can learn to love and respect my friends enough to put them in God’s hands, to acknowledge that He actually knows better than me, and to let my friends choose their own paths and make their own mistakes.

It certainly can’t hurt.

Delight

Happy New Year!

I’m thinking about a Theme for 2015 and verses for 2015, and I’m coming up with “Delight.”

I want to especially remember to Delight in the Lord this year. But also remember that He’s said He delights in me.

How amazing is that?

My verses for 2015 were going to be Psalm 37:3-4 —

Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the Lord
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

But after looking through all the verses I can find that use the word “Delight” (See below.), I think I will add Zephaniah 3:17 —

The Lord your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.

Using my handy-dandy Strong’s Concordance, I want to look at some other verses that use the word “delight.”

I Samuel 15:22 —

But Samuel replied:
“Does the Lord delight in burn offerings and sacrifices
as much as obeying the voice of the Lord?
To obey is better than sacrifice,
and to heed is better than the fat of rams.

Psalm 1:1-3 —

Blessed is the man
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers.
But his delight ins in the law of the Lord,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers.

Psalm 16:5-6 —

Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.

Psalm 18:19 —

He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.

Psalm 35:9 —

Then my soul will rejoice in the Lord
and delight in his salvation.

Psalm 35:27 —

May those who delight in my vindication
shout for joy and gladness;
may they always say, “The Lord be exalted,
who delights in the well-being of his servant.”

Psalm 37:23-24 —

If the Lord delights in a man’s way,
he makes his steps firm;
though he stumble, he will not fall,
for the Lord upholds him with his hand.

Psalm 43:3-4 —

Send forth your light and your truth,
let them guide me;
let them bring me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you dwell.
Then will I go to the altar of God,
to God, my joy and my delight.
I will praise you with the harp,
O God, my God.

Psalm 51:16-17 —

You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

Psalm 112:1 —

Praise the Lord.
Blessed is the man who fears the Lord,
who finds great delight in his commands.

Psalm 119:16 —

I delight in your decrees;
I will not neglect your word.

Psalm 119:24 —

Your statutes are my delight;
they are my counselors.

Psalm 119:35 —

Direct me in the path of your commands,
for there I find delight.

Psalm 119:47 —

for I delight in your commands
because I love them.

Psalm 119:77 —

Let your compassion come to me that I may live,
for your law is my delight.

Psalm 119:92 —

If your law had not been my delight,
I would have perished in my affliction.

Psalm 119:143 —

Trouble and distress have come upon me,
but your commands are my delight.

Psalm 119:174 —

I long for your salvation, O Lord,
and your law is my delight.

Psalm 147:10-11 —

His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse,
nor his delight in the legs of a man;
the Lord delights in those who fear him,
who put their hope in his unfailing love.

Proverbs 11:20 —

The Lord detests men of perverse heart
but he delights in those whose ways are blameless.

Proverbs 12:22 —

The Lord detests lying lips,
but he delights in men who are truthful.

Isaiah 61:10-11 —

I delight greatly in the Lord;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise
spring up before all nations.

Isaiah 62:4 —

No longer will they call you Deserted,
or name your land Desolate.
But you will be called Hephzibah,
and your land Beulah;
for the Lord will take delight in you,
and your land will be married.

Jeremiah 9:23-24 —

This is what the Lord says:
“Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom
or the strong man boast of his strength
or the rich man boast of his riches,
but let him who boasts boast about this:
that he understands and knows me,
that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness,
justice and righteousness on earth,
for in these I delight,”
declares the Lord.

Jeremiah 15:16 —

When your words came, I ate them;
they were my joy and my heart’s delight,
for I bear your name,
O Lord God Almighty.

Micah 7:18-19 —

Who is a God like you,
who pardons sin and forgives the transgression
of the remnant of his inheritance?
You do not stay angry forever
but delight to show mercy.
You will again have compassion on us;
you will tread our sins underfoot
and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.

Malachi 3:12 —

“Then all the nations will call you blessed,
for yours will be a delightful land,” says the Lord Almighty.

I Corinthians 13:6 —

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

What will I delight in this year?

And I hope to remember, through thick and thin, that the Lord delights in me.

What will my Father sing over me this year?

Thriving, Faith, and James

This morning, I was listening to Casting Crowns’ song “Thrive” on the way to work. I love the way the music makes you feel joyful. And I realized that, yes, I am thriving now, and life is good.

Then I realized it’s now been 10 years since my ex-husband met the other woman. (Or at least when I met her. He said, “There’s someone I’ve been wanting you to meet.” Which I figure means I was still his best friend. Unfortunately, that changed.) As my marriage fell apart, I NEVER would have guessed how thoroughly I’d be thriving now. God is SO good! And I guess I can trust Him if things in the next year or so don’t go as I hope they will!

I can’t emphasize enough how dark that time was for me. I couldn’t imagine ever being happy again. Yet now life is very, very good.

I wouldn’t be a Librarian, wouldn’t live in my own lovely condo in Virginia, wouldn’t have a son who’s graduated from the best high school in the nation, wouldn’t attend Gateway Community Church, wouldn’t be up for my dream job if all of that hadn’t happened. God can bring good out of even horrible things.

And God also used it to show me how MUCH He loves me. Our pastor said once that great faith comes from desperate need. No glory to yourself, but when you’re desperate, God comes through.

And that gets me thinking about Faith. Our church has been going through James this summer, and Faith is a big theme in James. In fact, they’ve titled the sermon series “Faith That Works.”

I think when I was a kid, the “double-minded man” passage in James 1 kind of disturbed me. Were you supposed to ask for something and then screw up the ability to believe that it would happen, and if you doubted, then it wouldn’t? When my marriage fell apart, I prayed earnestly, for years, that it would be restored, and that my husband would come back to me. And I thought God was telling me that would happen.

And when I did file for divorce, I was afraid I was lacking in faith. But when I was praying about it, asking for direction, God’s answer was in Hebrews 11 — “By faith, Abraham offered his son Isaac on the altar… even though God had said to him, ‘It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned.'” I felt like God was saying to give Him my marriage and my hopes for the future. I was still hoping, like Abraham, that the end result would be resurrection. But I had to make the offer genuine, either way.

Abraham believed God had promised him abundant offspring. But he didn’t cling to his own view of how God would do that.

And I noticed that the double-minded man passage in James comes right after the verse about “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God.” That’s what we’re supposed to have faith about. And faith in James is always about what we do. So I really think that James is saying, “If you need direction, ask God. And then do what He tells you, or you don’t really trust him.” I don’t think it’s about holding onto your own ideas of what God will do, but trusting God enough to do what He tells you.

This actually fits with the study of Psalms I did last Spring. I noticed that David pours out his heart to God and tells Him what He’s feeling. He is bold about asking God to act — but he just doesn’t tell God what to do, like we tend to do.

So a better way to pray for my marriage is to tell God how my heart was broken and that I’m lonely — and trust Him to figure out what to do about that.

And when I look back at what I thought God was telling me as I prayed — everything I thought He was telling me to do was good advice. Okay, maybe He wasn’t telling me the future. Maybe the promises about my ex-husband are that he’ll come back to God some day, not to me. Eventually, I felt that God was telling me that I shouldn’t be yoked together with someone who wants nothing to do with God.

A year ago, I started thinking about dating. I prayed about that as well. The pastor was doing a sermon on Abraham, and I thought Hagar would come up, and I’d hear about “Plan B living,” and I was afraid no longer hoping to remarry my ex would be lacking in faith and going for second best.

But the pastor brought a chalkboard up on stage and drew a diagram. He made a line across the board which he said represented a continuum. On one end was just letting things happen. On the other end was trying to completely control everything. He said where we want to live is right in the middle, on the Path of Trust.

I realized that “Standing for my Marriage” and trying to pray my husband back was trying to Control things. If I couldn’t have the perfect marriage, well then I’d be the perfect little martyr and pray until he gave in. But that was all my idea. I decided it would take a lot more trust to start dating again. (It still took me six months to actually do it. But that was when I decided that doing so would take more faith rather than less.)

In Hebrews 11 again, the author summarizes what, to me, Faith is all about: “And without faith, it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.” You have to believe that it’s worth it to follow God.

And that means doing what He tells you. When you ask for direction, don’t ask for advice, which you can take or leave. If God really knows best, then do it.

And the really cool thing? He works all things together for good for those who love Him — even truly horrible things like divorce can bring great good things in your life.

Isn’t He amazing?

Sunday Songs – You’re an Overcomer

Recently, I finished a headache that lasted for 30 days. It did vary in intensity during that time, but I did have at least some head pain every waking moment of those 30 days. I’m super super happy that it’s over. In the middle of it, several times this song by Mandisa came on the radio, and helped so much.

No, the pain did NOT last forever. And yes, I overcame. Thank you, God!

Memorizing Scripture

A few Sundays back, our pastor said he’d be preaching out of John, and my heart leapt.

You see, a long time ago, when I was a kid, my parents paid me for any chapters of Scripture that I memorized. The deal was a 10 cents per verse for a complete chapter. Better yet, one month later, you could recite the chapter again for 5 cents per verse, and on and on for 5 cents per verse at one-month intervals.

I was too young to get a job, and the only other way to earn money was to do housework. I still reject housework if I have a choice!

So I memorized a lot of Scripture as a kid. I started with chapters in the Psalms and Philippians and James and Romans. But around my Freshman year of high school, I tackled John.

And that’s why my heart leapt when I found out he’d be preaching from John. I recited the chapters in John many times as a kid. My little notebook says I completed John 6 six times in 1979. Now, the second time I’d memorize a chapter, it was almost as difficult as the first time. But by about the sixth time, I think it moves to a different storage area in your brain. It becomes part of you.

I managed to keep quiet for a week. But the next week, Pastor Ed had someone else read a long passage from John 5. I couldn’t keep quiet any longer. If he was going to use long passages from John, I wanted to get to be the one to recite or to read (if that would be less distracting). So last week, he let me recite a portion of John 6.

But he also planned to interview me. So I’ve been thinking about what I’d want to say, and of course didn’t get a chance to say that much of it. (That was fine. I didn’t want to it to be about *me*. I just wanted to get to recite that beautiful passage.) So that’s why I’m writing this blog entry — to get more of that out.

I think I’ll start with something he said he’d ask me about, but didn’t get the chance to.

WHY memorize? What are the benefits?

1. First, it puts the Word of God in your heart.

I firmly believe there’s a reason they call memorizing “learning by heart.” For that matter, I thought it was funny that the next day was Dr. Seuss Day at my library. We were going to have people reading Dr. Seuss books all day long in the children’s area. I find that it’s hard for me to keep quiet when people read Dr. Seuss books, because I’ve inadvertently memorized so many of them — and they are in my heart. I want to chime in. Same with chapters of the Bible that I’ve memorized.

2. God’s Word doesn’t return void.

Unlike Dr. Seuss, I do believe that God’s word will bless you. In spite of yourself. I tell people that my parents paid me so they know my motives were completely crass. And yet memorizing those chapters blessed me, in spite of myself.

3. It gives the Holy Spirit something to work with.

I do believe God speaks through Scripture. There are a lot of chapters that I’ve only memorized once, and now I barely even remember what’s in them. But they are in my mind somewhere. God’s Spirit can bring them to mind, because they are in my mind.

4. Memorizing chapters gives you the thread of Scripture.

My parents got the idea of memorizing whole chapters from the Bill Gothard Seminars. In my experience, that was one of the best things about the whole experience. It was memorizing chapters that made it dawn on me that the Bible actually said something. Maybe I’m a little slow, but just reading it never was as clear as what happened when I memorized a whole chapter, when the train of thought would help me figure out what was coming next.

The one exception to that is the last half of the book of Proverbs, which seems to be mostly random in organization. But most chapters in the Bible do have a train of thought. Memorizing the chapter forces you to figure it out, and you feel like you have an inside track on the writer’s thinking. This was especially clear in Romans, with a long logical argument. But it’s also lovely in the Psalms, where the Psalmist tends to go through a process of feeling despairing and then remembering that he can trust God. And so on, in many other books. In John 6, for example, you’ve got the beginning where Jesus multiplies bread, the people asking him about manna, and then His claim to be the bread of life. When you memorize the whole chapter, it’s easier to notice the themes.

The other question on which I’d like to expound an answer is: HOW?

Now, I did get to say that once before, I recited in church, and I had some people say, “I could never do that!” That is exactly the response I *don’t* want!

The key, for me, is memorizing by TIME. Nowadays, as an adult, I just spend 10 minutes per day memorizing. (As a kid, when I didn’t have a job, for years I spent an hour a day. That’s why I made so much headway. Remember: I got paid!)

So ask yourself: Can I spend 10 minutes a day memorizing? It’s not about talent. It’s about time. Trust me, if you read a chapter over again enough times, it’s going to start to stick in your head. Maybe when you first do it, it will take longer, but eventually, something’s going to stick.

Here’s how I tackle a new chapter:

1. First, I go through the whole chapter and memorize each verse, one at a time. This takes a long time. Depending on the chapter, I might only get a couple verses memorized in 10 minutes. (Though some chapters are definitely easier than others. If you’re new to this, I recommend starting in the Psalms.) At this point, sometimes I still think, Why am I doing this? I will never learn this whole chapter! Sometimes I am completely unimpressed with myself for barely learning one verse in 10 minutes. But I’ve learned from experience that if I continue on, eventually I’m going to know this chapter.

2. Still going through verse by verse, I won’t necessarily remember what I learned the previous day on the next day. No worries. I just start where I left off, and don’t try to review yet. It’s in there somewhere. I go through the whole chapter, just knowing that I can say one verse at a time. (When I was a kid, I typed the verses on cards and turned them over and checked. Now I use a bookmark covering the words. I say the verse aloud with it covered, and then read it and see if it matches what I just said.)

3. By the time I’ve learned all the verses once, I’ve probably completely forgotten the ones at the beginning. No worries. Next, I go through the chapter and memorize sections or paragraphs. How long a section is depends on the chapter. I try to go with a group of verses expounding on the same thought. How many sections in a chapter depends on how long it is. Using my bookmark, I’ll try to get where I can recite the whole section without making a mistake. Then I’ll move on to the next section.

4. Finally, I try to memorize the entire chapter. This still can take many more days, but is the part that solidifies it. My little “rule” is that I consider a chapter “done” when I can start out in the morning and recite the entire chapter (moving with my bookmark just behind the words I’m saying) perfectly. I usually have my quiet time in the same passage as where I’m memorizing. So if I make a little mistake on some small word at the end of the chapter — I decide God wanted me to spend one more day in that chapter!

When I can say the chapter perfectly when I first start the day, that’s when I write it down as memorized. Then I check my notebook for which chapter to memorize next. (I have a whole elaborate crazy system because I’m the sort of person who loves lists and elaborate crazy systems.)

A key? THERE IS NO RUSH! You will be blessed by the very time you spend doing it, so what’s the hurry? There is no shame in taking a month or more to learn a new chapter. Think of it as a month meditating on and living with those words. (In fact, sometimes I’m a little disappointed when I review a chapter like one of the shorter Psalms and finish with it in just a couple days.)

5. Reviewing.

One of the brilliant parts of my parents’ system was the reviewing a month later for half price. Because somehow forgetting about it and then coming back to it solidifies the words more than if you tried to keep them at the front of your attention all the time. The second time I memorize a chapter is usually exactly as hard as the first time. The third time, a little bit easier. The fourth time, a little easier still. And somewhere around the fifth time, it’s just a matter of brushing up. It’s etched somewhere in my brain. That’s why it was super easy to brush up John 6, which I have memorized a total of eleven times, according to my little notebook.

So you see, it’s not that I’m some sort of genius who can look at something and memorize it. I’ve put in time. And not even because I’m noble, but because I got paid! However, I continue memorizing as an adult, because that minimal time commitment yields blessings a hundredfold. It’s so worth it.

So what I’m trying to say is: Consider spending a little bit of time memorizing chapters of Scripture. Trust me, it’s worth it!

I recommend starting places like the ones where my parents started me: Psalms, James, Philippians, or I John. If you want to memorize a gospel, John is much, much easier to learn than the other three (because of the long speeches which are easier than a sequence of events), though the chapters are very long.

Have I made it clear? I have memorized lots of Scripture, not because I have some sort of miraculous talent, but because I’ve spent lots of time on it. And I respectfully submit that other people might find memorizing chapters of Scripture as hugely worth it as I have. Let me pass on the tip that Bill Gothard gave my parents: Memorizing chapters of Scripture will bless you. Try it and see!

And that’s why I don’t want to keep quiet when there’s a reason to recite one of these passages of Scripture that’s in my heart. I think of reciting some of my favorites like Romans 8 or Isaiah 40 or Psalm 18 as something like singing songs of praise. God’s Word is beautiful, and when I get to recite I get to express some of that beauty straight from my heart. What a privilege!

Sunday Songs – Forgiveness, by Matthew West, with Jonah 4

This song, Forgiveness, by Matthew West, has reached out and grabbed me when it plays on the radio lately. I do believe that Forgiveness is the key to living a joyful life. It’s the opposite of bitterness, which eats away your life. I believe that forgiveness is for the person doing the forgiving more than anything. As he says in this song, “The prisoner that it really frees is you.”

Here’s the song:

Today’s sermon was on Jonah 4, and it struck me that Jonah 4 is a story of unforgiveness.

When Jonah tried to run from God, God went after him. Jonah repented and did what God told him to do — but his heart was still bitter.

Jonah preached to the Ninevites, and they repented. He should be happy, right? Instead, he tells God, “O Lord, is this not what I said when I was still at home? That is why I was so quick to flee to Tarshish. I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity. Now, O Lord, take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live.”

What do you suppose Jonah had against the Ninevites to hate them so much? We know they were barbaric conquerors, and we also know that they conquered Israel’s northern kingdom. We know they fully deserved total destruction from God.

No mention is made of Jonah’s family. What if Assyrian soldiers killed his children? What if they raped and murdered his wife? That would certainly explain his bitterness, hatred, and anger.

My first reaction to those “what ifs” is to think, God would never send Jonah to the Ninevites if that had happened.

Wouldn’t He?

Jonah was so angry with the Ninevites, when God forgave them, he wanted to die. He sat outside the city, hoping God would change His mind and blast them after all.

What if, besides wanting the Ninevites to repent, what if God wanted to free Jonah from his bitterness?

You know, it’s easier to be forgiving when the person in question is suffering for their sin. If everything you hear from them sounds like complete misery, what’s to be angry about? They’re suffering as they deserve. But what if they repent and God forgives them? What if things start going well for them? Why do we feel like it’s up to us to remember how awful they are and all the punishment they deserve? Why do we feel we have to carry the torch for their wrong-ness, to make sure it’s never forgotten?

God put Jonah into the belly of a whale. Jonah had to beg for God’s mercy and face his own need for forgiveness. In chapter 4, with the vine, God tries to make Jonah see those he hates as people, too.

God asks Jonah, “You have been concerned about this vine, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. But Nineveh has more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left, and many cattle as well. Should I not be concerned about that great city?”

I love this quotation from George MacDonald about why God cannot forgive those who don’t forgive:

“When we forgive our neighbor, in flows the forgiveness of God’s forgiveness to us. For God to withhold his forgiveness from the one who will not forgive his neighbor is love as well as necessity. If God said, ‘I forgive you,’ to a man who hated his brother, what would it mean to him? How would the man interpret it? Would it not mean to him, ‘You may go on hating. I do not mind it. You have had great provocation, and are justified in your hate.’ No, the hater must be delivered from the hell of his hate, that God’s child should be made the loving child that he meant him to be.” (Wisdom to Live By, p. 162)

What if this is why God specifically sent Jonah to the Ninevites?

I’d like to think Jonah indeed learned from this, that the message of God got through in the end. And I do have reason to hope that: After all, how else did that chapter get into Scripture? Jonah and God were the only ones who were there. I’d like to think Jonah was the one who told people about the aftermath of his preaching. He had some time to think about it, and he added to the story, “Here’s what God taught me in the end.”

And in the process, I’d like to think Jonah stepped out of his prison of bitterness.

And maybe that’s a greater miracle even than God sending the great fish.

Guidance

Today’s sermon was a second in a 2-part series about guidance by our associate pastor, Alex York.

I feel like learning about guidance is a precious gift from extremely horrible trials.

In my case, the horrible trial was my husband leaving me. I did turn to God in extreme desperation. And God answered.

It brought me to a completely new place in my relationship with God. A much much closer friendship. And a place where it got to be normal to hear from God. I have to emphasize that before, my relationship with God was nothing like that. In fact, the first few times I heard from God, I was apologetic and pretty much chalked it up to wishful thinking.

Also, this was a situation where I needed guidance. There were many, many complications, and I needed to know what to do. Should I file for divorce? Should I try to win him back? How would I survive financially?

But one of the precious things about the whole experience was that, so often, the things I heard from God were simply encouragement. Now, that’s what I needed — I felt completely torn down and worthless at the worst parts of the ordeal — but God saw that and gave it, and I felt so loved.

I enjoyed today’s sermon. I have to admit, I could be wrong, but it didn’t sound like Pastor Alex has ever been in a situation where he’s so desperate, he wants to die. (And it’s interesting. Though feeling close to God, able to hear from God, is a great big huge blessing of an ordeal like that, you’d never ever wish it on anyone. You’d never willingly choose it. But, after a time, you actually can see that God brought great good out of it. But you can’t really be proud — Yes, I was so utterly desperate and despairing, I had no choice but to turn to God for guidance.) But he did lay out good steps and principles for hearing from God. I just wanted to add a couple things.

1) God speaks to each person in their own language.

I learned this from a beautiful sermon back in Germany. The pastor preached on the passage in Mark 7 where Jesus heals a deaf and mute man. Jesus does strange things, putting his fingers in the man’s ears and then spitting and touching the man’s tongue. The pastor pointed out that Jesus was using sign language! Of course! And it dawned on me that He had been speaking to me in my own language, too — bringing me over and over again just the exact book I needed at several steps along the way as I was figuring out which end was up. (If you want to get through to Sondy, of course you use books!)

Along with that point, I have to add that God speaks in more ways than were listed. Through books. Through e-mails. Through websites. Through songs. Through rainbows. I do believe it’s all very individual, tailored to what we need and what we can hear.

2. Hide God’s Word in your heart.

Pastor Alex did talk about God speaking through his Word. He did talk about Inner Promptings. For me, most often those two occur together. I don’t have to ask academic questions about Scripture though. I read and read and read and memorize and go over and over passages, and sometimes, I simply know that this verse is God’s word to my specific situation.

I’m just saying that this isn’t an academic exercise. Memorize Scripture. Read Scripture. Look at one verse a day. Don’t rush through. Read and listen for God’s voice. Grow to love it. Hide God’s Word in your heart.

3. Ask for Confirmation.

When I get an inner prompting that God is speaking a specific verse to me, God isn’t mad if I ask Him to repeat it if I’m hearing Him correctly. One remarkable time, I outlined three points that I thought God was telling me from three verses. But I said that I wasn’t sure, and I could really use some confirmation if that was what He was really saying. The next morning, the pastor opened his sermon with the verse from the first point. The other verses were included.

In James, it says that God gives wisdom “to all men generously without finding fault.” He will not get mad at us if we want to be sure we’re hearing correctly — as long as we’re going to obey.

4. Ask.

I almost forgot. If you want to hear from God; if you’re wondering what you should do, ask Him. That’s covered in the James verse, too. Be specific; write it out. Then watch and listen for answers.

But I do think that the more desperate you are, the more you acknowledge that you don’t know what to do, the more likely you are to hear.

Oh, and one more thing: If you hear from God through Scripture, write the date next to the verse in your Bible. That will remind you God gave you that specific verse. And you can look back later and see how He fulfilled it in your life.

Sunday Songs – “Psalm 23” – Peter Furler

Today I just want to post a song that feels joyful. So here one is:

Our pastor’s been preaching in Malachi. The passage about divorce reminds me what a horrible, rough place I was in just a few years ago. But God promises to be a Witness for a woman who’s left by the husband of her youth. And God has been so faithful. On top of that, a year ago this week, I had a stroke, and it’s been a rough year, healthwise. But for that, too, God has been faithful.

One of the pastor’s main points was that an antidote for discouragement is to remember who you are: Someone loved by God. And that God is with you.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me!

So it’s been an incredibly difficult several years. But right now? All kinds of possibilities are opening up. I’m soon going to be interviewing for not one but two versions of my dream job — Youth Services Manager at a regional library, in two different counties.

I’ve been praying for months about direction. When I came to Virginia, I moved to be near my lifelong friends, figuring I’d stay a couple years while I licked my wounds. Then my son got into the Number One high school in the nation. I got a job as a Librarian as soon as I finished my MLS degree.

Now that my son has graduated, I wondered if I should stay in Virginia. I thought about moving back overseas to another base library, this time on my own steam. I thought about moving to the Pacific northwest, where I have lots of family, and my older son as well. But my church here has become like family.

Then, not one but two Youth Services Manager positions have come open. Both have great things about them. Mind you, I don’t know if I’ll be offered either one, but I’m super excited about the possibilities.

And it makes me think of my favorite verse from Malachi, which I read in church today during the sermon on Malachi:

But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall.

— Malachi 4:2

What I love about that verse is from my experience living in Leithoefe, Germany. Here’s a picture of the place we lived (front and center). This picture was taken in the summer, and the cows were one pasture further up the hill, but you get the idea: There were cows directly outside our back windows.

The cows in the picture look staid and boring, and that’s the way they almost always looked. If they moved, it was slowly and leisurely.

But that’s not the complete story. During the winter, the cows are kept in the farmer’s barn down the hill. In mid-Spring, once the pasture won’t be a sea of mud, the farmer puts the cows back into the pasture. One year, we were looking out the window when the cows returned.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. The cows frolicked. They leaped! They danced around that field! Not just the calves, either, but the old, calm, staid mama cows, too. I still wonder if I imagined it, but the sight burned itself on my eyeballs. Those cows were joyful. They were so glad, glad, glad to be out of that barn!

So, I was happy to be reminded of that Malachi verse right now. I’m hoping for a Springtime season in my life for a time.

And I intend to be joyful.

Sunday Songs – God Is Still God

My most recent discovery, again from WGTS 91.9, is Heather Williams and the song “God Is Still God.”

Like “Stronger,” it includes the reminder that “Nothing lasts forever.”

Truly, “We’ve all been lost, and we’ve all been hurt, where our hope is thin and our faith don’t work.”

But also true: “God is still God, and He holds it together.”

So hang on, now!

Sunday Songs – Stronger

I know, I haven’t been posting on Sonderjourneys much lately at all. Today, I’m participating in Mother Reader‘s 48-Hour Book Challenge. How does that relate to this blog post? Well, reading and blogging is allowed to contribute to your time. Now, since most of my daily Quiet Times consist of reading various books, I have no problem counting that in my time.

But I also usually write in my journal about what I’m learning, talking to God.

So I’m going to cheat just a tiny bit and blog about what I’m learning. The appropriate place is this Sonderjourneys blog.

And I’d been meaning to start a series on songs that have blessed me. I’m going to call it Sunday Songs because I love alliteration (gosh, could you tell?) and I’d like to be reminded about this weekly. However, I will feel free to post in this series on other days of the week, and I think the heading will tip people off that these are Christian songs.

Yes, I listen to Christian radio. Yes, I listen to Christian music on CDs. To me, there’s no better way to affirm what I know in my mind and start on the journey of knowing it in my heart.

That’s why I chose “Stronger,” sung by Mandisa. I’ve loved this song for awhile. It makes me want to dance. And it’s so true — but the message is so easy to forget.

Yesterday, this song played on WGTS 91.9 when I was driving to work. And it was a timely reminder. I’m currently on the 23rd day of what was diagnosed as a vestibular migraine. But is it really a vestibular migraine? Everything fits — except the 23 days part. And the last time I had such a long headache, it didn’t stop until I went to the hospital with a stroke.

So, yes, I’m keeping my eyes wide open for any stroke symptoms (and I definitely know what those are) and I’m communicating with neurologists. But in the meantime, it’s easy to get discouraged. That’s where this song comes in.

I do believe that the pain won’t last forever. I do believe that this experience, like so many others, will definitely make me stronger. And especially, I believe that God is right there, that even if it’s hard to see Him, I know that he still cares.

And that is worth dancing and singing about.