Long-term Visions

Pastor Ed preached yesterday about the state of our church.  Some obstacles and discouragements are coming up, but he also talked about why he still believes God is and will be doing a mighty work at Gateway.

One thing he came back to is that many years ago, God gave him a vision about this church, a vision about lives changed through God’s power.  He acknowledged that for some time now, our circumstances aren’t seeming to fit with that vision.

That got me thinking about long-term vision.  I, too, feel that God has spoken to me about something in the future.  I believe God has told me He is making my husband “a witness to the peoples, a leader and commander of the peoples.”  I believe that God has told me that our marriage will be healed and restored.

But for now, circumstances don’t match.  It looks like a divorce will happen soon.

I thought about long-term visions in the Bible.  We talk about the verse Psalm 119:105 — “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.”  Invariably, commentary on that verse mentions that walking by lantern light does not give you the long view, just the next step.

And in the Bible, we humans don’t do too well with long-term visions.

Look at the Israelites heading for the Promised Land.  When the spies looked at the land, they looked at the circumstances — giants who were way too tough for them.  Only Joshua and Caleb remembered God’s promise and God’s vision.

Look at Abraham.  God told him that he would make his descendants like the stars of the sky.  Then nothing happened for years and years.  Abraham thought he’d better help God out with Hagar.

Then there’s Joseph.  God gave him a vision of his brothers bowing down to him.  Joseph didn’t give up on the vision that we know about.  But who knows what he went through waiting for it to happen while he was in prison?

In my marriage crisis, the first crystal-clear word I got from God was “Wait on the Lord.”  I had been praying earnestly and asked God, “Father, can’t you please end this NOW?”  For the next few weeks, every time I picked up a Bible or other Christian book, the words in the passage included “wait on the Lord.”  Our Sunday School lesson a few days later was where Jesus taught his disciples that they should “always pray and not give up.”

I recently heard a testimony about a restored marriage from a woman with my same name and her husband.  They were divorced for ten years before the husband came back to God and came back to his wife.  That’s a long, long time.  Along the way, God continued to speak to her and tell her not to give up, even when her husband married someone else.

Long-term vision is hard for us humans.  Sometimes God gives us the big picture.  Then the challenge is trusting that God can bring it about even when the little picture, from our perspective, doesn’t look like it can possibly fit into that big picture.

I liked what Pastor Ed said about the at least two and a half years we will have to wait before we can get into a new church building.  He said: This is our opportunity to be ready.

By the same token, however long I have to wait for the restoration of my marriage, this is my opportunity:  My opportunity to get rid of resentment, to practice forgiveness, to work on my own relationship with God, and even to work on personal pursuits like my writing.

Part of the challenge of a long-term vision is asking yourself:  What does God want me to do today to get ready for that vision to happen?  Sometimes, like with Abraham, it’s simply to wait.  Sometimes, as with Joshua and Caleb, it’s to go in and take the land.

But where God has provided the long-term vision, surely He will also provide a light for our feet, if we ask.  But be careful about looking at circumstances, like giants in the land or a barren womb, to conclude that God never really meant what He said in the original vision.  Sometimes the hardest thing to do is simply to wait.

Choosing Joy

Mr. MacDougall, my English professor at Biola, said, “Joy is the hallmark of the Christian.”

In the last few days, this theme keeps coming up again and again and again, in my reading, in today’s sermon, even in e-mails.

Yes, there are some difficult things in my life.  I am waiting and praying for my marriage to be restored.

But while I am waiting, I want to choose Joy.

Joy is about gratitude.  God gives us so many good gifts.  Even little things like utterly glorious weather on this long weekend.

It’s easy to let busy-ness rob our joy.  I’ve been guilty of that so much of my life.  So busy thinking about what I should be doing and figuring out how to fit it all in, that I’m not enjoying any of it.

Let it go.  Do what you can.  ENJOY it!

I’m coming up on a busy, busy, busy time at work.  I’ll be visiting 5 different local elementary schools, promoting the summer reading program and doing booktalks for the kids.  May I not forget how lucky I am to have this job, to get to talk about books!

No, I’m sure I won’t do a perfect job of it.  I’ll stumble over my words in places, and some of the kids will definitely be bored.

But I will be good enough.  And some kids will be intrigued by some of the books they hear about.  And some kids will do the Summer Reading Program who might not have otherwise.

And I am very blessed to have this job!

I Choose JOY.

Bluebells and Home

When my son got accepted to Thomas Jefferson High School, a shift happened in my mind.

Before this, I was still hoping for reconciliation with my husband and assumed that would mean I would move to live with him.  As I followed him for all of our married lives.  That’s what wives do, right?

I’m still hoping for reconciliation.  But now, whether or not that happens, I am making a Home here.  My son gets to go to the BEST high school in the nation!  As long as I live in Fairfax County.  We went to the Freshman Preview Night and were so impressed.  There is simply no way I’d have the heart to give him a taste of that wonderful school and then pull him out and make him go to an ordinary school.

So — at least for the next four years, I fully intend to live in Fairfax County.

And you know what?  I like that idea!  I can make a home here.

I have wonderful friends here — new friends as well as friends I’ve known almost my entire life.  I have a fabulous, loving and welcoming church where people worship God and talk about God and God guides and directs.  Tim was already going to an excellent school, and in high school he’s going to go to an even better one.  And I got a wonderful job working as a Children’s Librarian, working with more fabulous people.

Truly God is richly blessing me, right here and right now.

I had a Friday off, with Tim in school.  I work for Fairfax County, and a daily news update mentioned that it was now Bluebell Season at Bull Run Regional Park.  Shortly after cherry blossom season, the bluebells burst into bloom by the riverside.  The trees still don’t have enough foliage to block the sunlight, and the flowers turn into a sea of blue.

Well, Bull Run Regional Park isn’t far at all from my home.  (And I’d heard of Bull Run since I was a little girl — when my brother did a panorama of the Civil War battle.  Pretty cool to actually see it!)  The day was glorious.  The sun was shining and breezes were blowing.  An utterly wonderful day for a walk. 

The trail ended up being a nice loop along Cub Run and Bull Run, about a 45-minute walk with stops for pictures, and totally flat.  It was a magnificent way to spend some time, and I felt I was truly appreciating my new, beautiful home!

Bluebellcover.jpg

I’ll post a link to my facebook album of pictures as soon as I get them edited.

Not Even Fun

I’m reading a book called The Bait of Satan, by John Bevere.  The bait of the title refers to the trap of taking offense.

I got to thinking that when we think of lures from Satan, we usually think of fun things — lust, food, alcohol, some form of pleasure.  We think of Satan as trying to get us to overindulge.

Taking offense with someone is an even more pervasive trap — and it isn’t even fun!  This trap ensnares us, and we don’t even get some pleasure out of it. 

Like all Satan’s traps, this bait is disguised.  It feels right; it feels just.  After all, that person we are offended at did something wrong.  We don’t realize that Satan’s trap is all wrapped up with our own pride.

And who suffers because we take offense?  We suffer ourselves.  Perhaps that’s why what feels like pursuing justice doesn’t end up being the best way to get justice at all.  “It is mine to avenge, I will repay,” says the Lord.

In Thrall to Seasons

What Barbara Kingsolver says about seasons echoes how I feel about them, having grown up in the LA area.  I still find it so amazing that all the trees burst into bloom at the same time!  I was so delighted to read that someone else feels the same way, I’m going to copy the passage here:

“January brings the snow . . . ,” began the well-thumbed, illustrated children’s book about the seasons that my children cleaved to as gospel, while growing up in a place where January did nothing of the kind….

Nevertheless, in every winter of the world, Arizona schoolchildren fold and snip paper snowflakes to tape around the blackboard.  In October they cut out orange paper leaves, and tulips in spring, just as colonial American and Australian schoolchildren once memorized poems about British skylarks while the blue jays or cockatoos (according to the continent) squawked outside, utterly ignored.  The dominant culture has a way of becoming more real than the stuff at hand.

Now, at our farm, when the fully predicted snow fell from the sky, or the leaves changed, or tulips popped out of the ground, we felt a shock of thrill.  For the kids it seemed like living in storybook land; for Steven and me it was a more normal return to childhood, the old days, the way things ought to be.  If we remembered the snow being deeper, the walks to school harder and longer, we refrained from mentioning that to any young person.  But the seasons held me in thrall.

— Barbara Kingsolver, Animal, Vegetable, Miracle, p. 296-297

That’s My Boy, Too!

Friday, I got word that my younger son was accepted to Thomas Jefferson High School for Science and Technology!

This school was recently ranked by US News and World Report as the Number One high school in the nation!  They have support from many of the tech companies in the area, and have things like a neuroscience lab and a satellite up in orbit that was programmed by TJ students.

The school is public, and they bus from all over Northern Virginia, but the process of getting in is hugely competitive.  First there is a test, with an essay portion.  Semifinalists, who do well enough on the test, must submit teacher recommendations and a personal statement and another application.  They choose less than 500 students, out of more than 1600 semifinalists.

So–I’m very excited that my son was selected!  And very proud, too!  What a wonderful opportunity!

That’s My Boy!

My son told me a story the other night that makes me smile with fondness and pride.

First, you have to realize his background.  He went to high school at an American school in Germany.  The ONE class that really took advantage of their being in Europe was AP Art History.  The class had a fabulous teacher, Kathleen Hellmann, who really taught the material well, and she took the class on a trip to Florence so they could really see some of the work they were discussing.

This teacher spent a good solid four hours discussing the Mona Lisa.  It was huge in the world of art and affected art tremendously.  She told the students that they would certainly be asked, “So why is the Mona Lisa important?” and she made sure they would be able to answer that question, at length.

Fast forward to this past month.  Josh is in college, at a school that will remain nameless for this post.  They do not give AP credit, and did not let him test out of Art History, since it is supposedly a class in his major (Film).  This particular month is Josh’s turn to take Art History.  It only lasts four weeks, but for quite a few hours each day.

Josh was already frustrated with the class.  The teacher is focusing on things like which saints are pictured in which paintings, rather than the actual history of art.

He was already frustrated that they didn’t cover some of his favorite artists.  He told me, “Mom, they didn’t even cover Rafael!  Rafael was a Ninja Turtle!  He was the coolest Ninja Turtle!”  (Sure enough, it brought me right back to when Josh was 3 years old and his favorite character to pretend to be was Rafael….  But I digress.)

Then they came to the Mona Lisa.  The teacher talked about issues like who might have been the model, and was ready to move on.  A student raised his hand and asked, “I don’t get it.  Why is the Mona Lisa so famous?  What’s the big deal about it?”

The teacher didn’t really answer the question.  She even said something along the lines of “maybe it’s a mystery.”  Josh couldn’t contain himself any longer.

He raised his hand.  When the teacher called on him, he stood up.  Then he addressed the class, beginning with the words, “Here’s why the Mona Lisa is important:”

He talked for fifteen minutes.  Knowing my son, I bet he was clear, detailed, dramatic, and passionate. 

When he sat down, he was shaking.  The classroom burst into applause.  Lengthy applause.

A sad note:  He heard someone ask behind him, “Should we be writing this down?”

Now, as a Mom, part of me isn’t quite sure I should approve of this incident.  He can’t really have won the heart of his teacher!  But knowing what a wonderful teacher Ms. Hellmann was, knowing how well she taught Josh Art History, and knowing that Josh had been containing his frustration like a model student for the rest of the time — I’m giving in to my stronger impulse, which is to be proud of him!  Way to go, Josh!

He has two weeks of class left to go.  I hope he can stick it out!  Meanwhile, it’s making him really appreciate Ms. Hellmann for the awesome teacher she was!

And I’m really appreciating what an awesome son I have!

The Lord’s Purpose

Jeremiah 29:11 is a famous and wonderful and comforting verse about God’s plans for us being good.

I also like the verse I was on in my Quiet Time this morning, Psalm 138:8:

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;

your love, O Lord, endures forever —

do not abandon the works of your hands.

In my mind it also ties in with my last post.  Librarianship is something I feel called to — which ties in to the Lord’s purposes for making me.  I suspect that He made me to, among other things, find great joy out of connecting people and books.

I don’t know what He’s doing in my marriage.

But what a wonderful affirmation that He WILL fulfill His purpose in my life.

And His love endures forever.

And He will never abandon me.

May I find delight in becoming the person God created me to be!

Librarianship as a Calling

Having finished Our Singular Strengths:  Meditations for Librarians, by Michael Gorman, today I’ve begun reading Our Own Selves:  More Meditations for Librarians, by the same author.

In the first meditation, he quotes from a book written in 1966 by Lawrence Clark Powell.  Gorman says:

In it, he summons up a vision of a library as a place formed by “good hands” that have made it orderly and efficient; by “good heads” that have not only shaped collections by intelligent choice but have also absorbed a good part of the knowledge contained in those collections; and “good hearts” that exercise service in humility — motivated by a love of people and learning….

Libraries are about service or they are about nothing.

That got me thinking about why I’m excited about being a librarian.

Today, I had several opportunities to help people find information, quite a few of which were Moms with kids.  That’s one thing I thoroughly enjoy doing.

I love books.  I love learning.  I love connecting people and books.  And I like helping people.

That’s why becoming a librarian isn’t just about finding a job to support myself.  It’s about finding a calling.

May I remember that!

Joy

Today I finished reading Before Green Gables, by Budge Wilson, a prequel to Anne of Green Gables.  I thought it would be depressing — Anne’s childhood was hard — but it showed how Anne found transcendent moments, even as a child, even with a hard life.

I thought of the Proverb, “Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy.”

I’d like to be like Anne — thoroughly enjoying things worth enjoying, without apology.

I thought about my many travels with Steve.  We’ve been all over the world.  From the start, I “collected” castles, and just loved to roam over castles and take pictures.

I think a lot of the time, especially in the beginning, Steve thoroughly enjoyed the trips with me.

But toward the end, especially after he had already decided the marriage was over, he went through the motions, but his heart wasn’t in it at all.  (You can actually see this in the pictures over the years.)

It’s hard to take joy in something when someone you love is there in body, but not at all entering into the experience.

It’s wonderful to share a transcendent experience with someone.  My last trip to Paris with the Sisters of Royaumont was a glorious example.

But it’s also freeing to not have to worry about being with people who aren’t having a good time.  To just have responsibility for yourself, and be able to thoroughly enjoy something.  A painting of a forest in France.  A blooming branch.  A field of daffodils.  A twisted tree limb.  A brisk breeze.

My life has many joyful moments.  One nice thing about living as a single person is the chance to thoroughly enjoy God’s blessings, without apology.

Yes, it was yet more wonderful when my husband was enjoying life with me, for example, treasuring our arrival in Europe.  But now I don’t have to feel bad if he is not sharing my joy.  I’m sorry for it.  I still pray for him daily — particularly that he will find Joy and know God’s great love — but how do I express this freeing sensation?  I am realizing that I am not responsible, in any way whatsoever, for his happiness or his choices.

And I am free to choose Joy.