243. Reminders

I got hit with the lonelies today.

I’m not sure completely why. Partly is that I’m going to spend extra time this weekend alone, reading.

Partly was still the aftermath of some public accusations on Facebook.

Partly was something or other got me missing being married.

Anyway, I did get some reminders that the Lord is still with me and life is still good.

One was talking with an acquaintance and sharing our stories — and how much God has showed up for each of us.

Another was remembering how friends rallied round and affirmed me after the accusations.

Another was looking at the visual mission statement I made and put on my computer, reminding me who I am.

Another was singing some songs at church that have been meaningful for a long time.

God is good, and He surrounds me with His love.

235. Healing

I was thinking about trauma yesterday. I once read that betrayal is a kind of trauma, with post traumatic stress symptoms. Sure enough, when I first came to Virginia, after finding out a few days before that my then-husband had been having an affair for the previous year and a half – I was troubled with flashbacks and obsessive thoughts and dreams. If I went 20 minutes without thinking about it, I felt like I’d accomplished something.

That was 2006. It took years, but I really did heal. I don’t know how many years it’s been since I dreamed about him.

Now, maybe I’m tempting fate to declare myself healed. Things can come up and take me by surprise still. Even thinking about trauma got me thinking about it. But – trust me – I am worlds better than I was then! When I felt like my life was in shambles and how could I ever think clearly again?

Hooray for healing!

234. My Life

Okay, this is a nice big, general one. But as I was walking by my lake the other day, I realized I no longer think of myself so much as a divorced woman, but as a single woman.

In other words, I don’t think of myself so much as what I once had, but what I do have.

I’m a children’s librarian who’s on the Newbery committee!

I get to spend my time reading and writing – posting blog posts, writing emails to friends, connecting with people.

I have friends who mean a lot to me, from work, church, family and my gaming group.

I contribute at church and feel God’s hand on my life.

And life is very good. I’m blessed in the big picture, as well as the little things I usually mention.

216. Mr. Rogers

Tonight I saw the new documentary about Mr. Rogers – Won’t You Be My Neighbor?, and my heart is full.

What a loving man!

And watching him treat children – and all other people – like individuals worthy of attention and interest – makes me feel worthy of attention and interest.

And makes me want to go out and be a loving person.

209. Candlelight Service in Our New Building

I’ve always loved the Candlelight Service on Christmas Eve at Gateway Community Church. We sing “Shine, Jesus, Shine” after letting the candlelight spread through the auditorium. And we hold our candles high. I didn’t use to think of that as a Christmas song!

And this was our first year in our new building, so there were lots more people, and it was all the more beautiful.

This year, we’re having an 11 pm service to prepare our hearts for Christmas, as well. It makes for a memorable Christmas Eve.

204. Great Blue Herons

At least one great blue heron likes to frequent my lake. When I first moved here, rather new at being divorced, a friend urged me to look up the “spirit meaning” of herons. Supposedly they represent self-reliance, balance, navigating life’s difficulties with grace. Sounds good!

This month something happened that got me feeling down and alone.

And then I started seeing lots of great blue herons.

On my trip to Chincoteague and Assateague, I hoped to see ponies (and eventually did) – but saw great blue herons each day:

After I got home, when it stopped raining, the first time I took a walk around my lake, there was a heron again.

Then three out of four days this week, when I looked out my window at breakfast, there was a heron. I didn’t even have breakfast at the same time each day.

And finally, I went for another walk around my lake today and saw another one.

I decided I don’t have to feel alone. I can focus on self-reliance and balance. And whatever comes next, I’m going to be able to navigate it with grace.

And besides, it’s really fun to see so many of these beautiful birds!

202. Concert

I went to an awesome concert last night featuring Mandisa and Danny Gokey, also with performances by Jasmine Murray and Love & the Outcome.

Besides being stunningly talented singers, they’ve been through hard times and struggled with major depression. Their songs were all about how God is always with you, how God works through pain, and how you will grow, and how you can now step into the light.

Lovely, uplifting stuff. I affirm that it’s all true – and what better way to affirm these things than to sing them?

199. Sparkles

This year, I’m reading my Project 52 posts one year after I wrote them.

Tonight I read about the year I was 19, and I was reminded of my Sparkle Theory. Basically, the Sparkle Theory is that each one of us desperately needs sparkles. It’s tempting to try to find them in romance. But there are plenty of other ways to find them – and if there’s not romance in your life, you need them all the more.

Tonight I’m sitting here alone on Friday night – and it’s just lovely to start remembering all the many sparkles in my life right now.

189. Angel Books

I recently read Lorna Byrne’s book Angels in my Hair and ordered two more of her books – and I’m enjoying them so much!

I know and believe that God watches over me; I see his hand in my life.

Well, this author claims that she can see angels – and tells us about all the ways she sees God’s hand at work through them.

Somehow, it reminds me of the supernatural and bolsters up my belief. And maybe it shouldn’t – but it all seems a little more personal this way.