Shiny Happy Childhood – Background

Shiny Happy Childhood 5

A couple weeks ago, I watched the documentary series Shiny Happy People about the Duggars (of 19 children fame) and evangelical teacher Bill Gothard’s empire. And oh my goodness I was shook up.

So I’ve decided to process my reaction in a series of blog posts. I’ll call them Shiny Happy Childhood. My goal is not to spend more than a half-hour writing each post. Which will keep them from being long to read. But that means I don’t know how long the series will run.

With this first post, I’ll talk about why the series shook me up so much.

First, I’m third of 13 children. I was absolutely horrified at the thought of the Duggars’ show when it was popular and could not have stomached watching a single episode. This is *because* I knew it would present them as shiny, happy people. I know about big family trauma, and my heart would break for those kids (when my stomach wasn’t turning). Those are kids who are not getting much attention from their parents, with the older kids having to parent the younger. (That’s simply scratching the surface of why I don’t believe they’re shiny or happy.)

However the documentary promised to look into the problems with the shiny happy presentation. And that I just had to watch. But then it turned out that it was also about Bill Gothard, and that’s when it really shook me up.

I went to Bill Gothard’s Institute in Basic Youth Conflicts at least a dozen times, beginning in elementary school.

This was in the 1970s, before he called it the Institute in Basic Life Principles. And from the documentary, it sounds like it was before he formed a full-fledged cult. My family only went to the basic seminars that happened at Long Beach Convention Center. I believe they let alumni attend for free or at least very low cost, so we went over and over again. But we never did a family camp or anything that required traveling. My Mom did buy Gothard’s Character Sketches book, and when she paid us for memorizing (more on that later), we could also memorize Gothard’s “Character Qualities” definitions.

However, my Mom eventually came to believe that birth control is wrong. Did she get that idea from Bill Gothard? She began home schooling my younger siblings in the 1980s, after I was already in college (at a Christian university). Did she get that idea from Bill Gothard? Some time when I was in elementary school, she got a ruler and wrote a Bible verse on it about the “rod of correction” and began using that for spankings. I’m quite sure that idea was from Bill Gothard.

She also got a really good idea from Bill Gothard: Start memorizing whole chapters of Scripture. And she went further: She paid us kids to do the same. A whole system. I credit memorizing the New Testament with giving me confidence to analyze teachings of those who claim to be teaching biblical truth. (This will probably be a whole post in itself.) I’m no longer a good follower of authoritarians like Bill Gothard.

I think my parents took me and my older siblings before we were technically “old enough,” because they believed we were smart beyond our years. I probably went to my first seminar around age 10, very proud to get a day off school from our Christian school and go. When I saw clips from the seminar I had the uncanny feeling of remembering when I heard his words and agreed with them with all my heart — thought how wonderful it was to have these principles so clearly stated.

And that’s the thing about Bill Gothard, as I watched the documentary. He’s an authoritarian who says he has the answers and a complete system for how you should run your life and please God.

I’ve always loved systems! And I’m like my mother in that. We ate it up.

I am ever so thankful we weren’t involved in the later years when it did become more like a cult. Last week, I watched a question-and-answer from one of the women interviewed in the documentary, and he even had people following Old Testament dietary laws. And not taking epidurals for labor and delivery. And not sending girls to college.

So it’s not like I had to exit a cult. Not really. Though my own family had its own cult-like characteristics. Remember, we’re talking thirteen kids, with the middle ones home schooled. We went to church Sunday morning for Sunday school and worship service, Sunday evening, and Wednesday night Bible study. No getting out of any of it unless you were sick with a fever or vomited.

Well, my half-hour is up. Where am I going with this? I want to think through some of the teachings I got and absorbed from those seminars and examine them in the light of day.

Thinking about this, I have some sympathy for conservatives so afraid their kids will be “indoctrinated.” Because I’m remembering as a child wholly believing this stuff, to the level of taking for granted this is how the world works.

As an adult, it wouldn’t hurt to pull some of those beliefs into the light of day. I am very much still a Christian, though not necessarily an Evangelical one, and I don’t consciously believe many of Bill Gothard’s teachings any more, but it wouldn’t hurt to take a look.

Please comment if this brings up anything for you or where you’d like my ramblings to go next time.

Happy Ending Psalm

Praying with the Psalmists 0

This week, we’re covering Messianic Psalms – Psalms about how the Anointed One will come and make all things right. Since I don’t claim to be able to prophesy, but I do know that God wins in the end, when I write a psalm in this pattern, I like to call it a Happy Ending psalm. It’s a good pattern to use when praying about injustices out in society.

Here’s one I wrote this week:

From Psalm 72:4

May he defend the afflicted among the people
and save the children of the needy;
may he crush the oppressor.

O Lord,
May our governments do this —
defend the afflicted among the people,
save the children of the needy,
crush the oppressor.

Thank you that, in the end, your kingdom will bring
righteousness and justice for the oppressed.

Help me to learn what my part is
in relieving the oppressed
in defending the afflicted
in helping the needy.

If my part is to supply books
to help them know they’re not alone,
then help me do my part
and not be silenced.

Father, our world is so far from safe
for so many of your children.
May your kingdom come
on earth as it is in heaven.

Creation Hymn – Knowing my Quirks

Praying with the Psalmists 0

This week my church small group is looking at Chapter 8 of my Psalms book — Creation Hymns. So again, I’m going to try to write one. Not a polished one, but just as a prayer, whatever comes out.

Creation Hymns involve key concepts of God’s Glory, God’s Sustaining Care, God’s Knowledge, and Creation’s Joyful Response. And to make it read like a Psalm, I try for parallelism, repeating or emphasizing ideas in a second line.

Usually when I try to pray a creation hymn, I think about the beauty of nature. The irises by my lake have begun to bloom! So I could pray about that.

But this week, I’ve been thinking about Psalm 139, which begins:

You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.

If you’re not familiar with that Psalm, look it up! So many beautiful ways of expressing how deeply and thoroughly my Creator knows me.

And this is comforting, because I’m still feeling stressed and inadequate.

The leak from the unit above me that poured water into my home last week has been fixed. Water mitigation folks dried everything out with very loud fans.

But my bathroom ceiling and bedroom wall still have big holes in them. The place doesn’t smell good — I hope just like the inside of walls and not mold. And it still hasn’t been settled how it all will be paid for. Surely it’s the responsibility of the owner of the unit above me, but he’s an offsite landlord and his property management company wants me to make a claim on my insurance. Surely my insurance will in turn go after them, because it’s well documented that the leak came from above. They also want their own people to make an estimate before they proceed with reconstruction, and I have a feeling it’s not going to happen before I go out of town in a couple weeks.

But let me put in the psalm why I’m upset with myself. The title is from Psalm 103:

You Know That I Am Dust

You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.

I know that you’re going to take care of me
and already have taken care of me.
I’m not going to have to pay for the damage,
and it’s relatively little damage
and I’m privileged to be a homeowner
and what’s a little inconvenience?
Especially when my little niece
is suffering with relapsed leukemia.
So how can I get stressed and tired and headachy
simply from a first-world problem like this?

Lord, I keep thinking that trust
means we shouldn’t get upset.
But you know me better than that.
You made me human.
Instead, may I turn to you when troubles happen
when parts of my home literally fall apart.
And maybe I need a little more sleep,
a little more leeway in my plans for getting things done.

Why am I so much harder on myself
than you are?
And how did a problem in only one small part of my home
throw me for such a loop,
make me feel so vulnerable?

But Lord, you know that you made me human,
not a robot.
You know that my life is one-of-a-kind.
You gave me my unique quirks.
And yes, you gave me vulnerabilities,
not making me out of steel.
And they are not flaws,
but facets of your image.
And may I shine that image
more fully with every day that goes by.
And learn about trusting you,
turning to you,
even when my home falls apart,
even when I don’t know what to do.
But may I start by acknowledging that
I don’t know what to do
and I’m feeling stressed
and extra tired
and I want my place of refuge back
and I want all the paperwork done.

Thank you, Lord, for the world you’ve made,
and the ingenuity you’ve given folks
to build homes
and put them back together when they fall apart.
Thank you that it could have been so much worse
and it wasn’t.
But that it’s still okay to feel stressed,
and it reminds me to turn to you.

Thanksgiving Among the Bluebells

Praying with the Psalmists 1

This week my church small group, which is going through my not-yet-published book Praying with the Psalmists, is covering Thanksgiving Psalms.

My whole point in the book is that we can use the patterns in Psalms to write our own psalms and pray our own prayers. I’ve got examples in the book. But if I’m going to be consistent, I should write another psalm with each chapter we cover. And I like doing that to build a habit.

But honestly? I don’t feel a lot like giving thanks right now.

Yesterday, I wrote a lament in honor of my six-year-old niece who has relapsed with leukemia. That news is weighing on my heart.

And today, I was going to finally tackle the big shelf in my closet that collapsed a week and a half ago and see if I could put it back up. But when I got out of bed, the tile floor in my bathroom was covered with water. Water was dripping steadily from a fire sprinkler head on the ceiling.

I live in a condo. I called and talked with several people. But the people in the condo above me didn’t see any signs of trouble, so the consensus is that I need to call a plumber and get the leak diagnosed. It may be my neighbor’s or the condo association’s responsibility to repair, but it’s leaking in my home and I need to get the work done.

So figuring all that out took most of my day, while the drips keep coming in a bucket in my bathroom at a rate of one every few seconds. I did find a plumber who’s open all weekend and will come tomorrow morning.

Then in the evening, I thought I’d finally take a look at that metal shelf that had fallen down. And when I stepped in the closet to lift it up — my foot got soaked. The carpet is soaking wet. (This closet shares a wall with my bathroom.) I think I can hear more dripping in the walls.

There are lots of good sides to it — I’d taken all my clothes out already. If the shelf hadn’t fallen, I might have never noticed that water. It’s only wet inside the closet, not in the rest of my bedroom. Now if they have to make a hole in the wall, I can have the same people who repair it also put the shelf back up.

But I am not in a happy mood!

All that said, before all this happened, I’d decided to write my thanksgiving psalm about my walk in the bluebells on Good Friday. And when I’m not in a mood to give thanks is probably a good time to remember the many reasons I have to give thanks.

A Thanksgiving Psalm has the basic form:

Call to Praise
“I Was in Trouble.”
“I Called.”
“The Lord Answered.”
Response of Praise

I’ll talk about my experience in the bluebells in the psalm. I’ll put a bluebell picture between each of the parts of the psalm.

Thanks Among the Bluebells

I give you thanks, Lord,
for you have been good to me.
You answered my prayers
and brought me so far.
You healed my heart
and filled me with joy.

The first time I visited the bluebells at Bull Run,
about fifteen years ago,
I’d heard about it in an employee newsletter,
and I went after a trip to my divorce lawyer.

I was so sad about the divorce,
and walking among flowers reminded me of my husband,
of the flowers at Keukenhof,
of hikes throughout Germany.
I told myself that now I was bothering no one
by stopping every few feet to take pictures.
I didn’t have to worry that what brought me joy
was boring anyone else.
I could simply enjoy the amazing beauty
wild and free, filling the woods.

But I still missed my husband
and felt so alone.

And my walk became a prayer walk
asking you, Lord, to help me,
to be with me.

I was still trying to pray my husband back at that time,
but I also wanted your guidance in the life ahead of me.
I had a new job at Fairfax County Public Library
(which was how I heard about the Bluebell Trail),
and I asked your help in paying my bills,
working as a librarian,
making a home for my youngest,
and somehow healing my heart.

I’d been with the lawyer,
asking for her help.
But among the bluebells, I was with you, Lord,
asking for your help.

And when I went back to the Bluebell Trail
this year on Good Friday,
it struck me how thoroughly you’ve answered those prayers
in fifteen years.

My heart is healed.
Now it’s easy to wander with joy
and the woods make me think
of other delightful rambles.
I remembered that first walk,
fresh from the lawyer,
and I thought what a different place
you’ve brought me to.

I’ve got my dream job,
feeling competent and capable as a librarian,
ordering children’s books
for the entire library system.

I’ve got a home I love,
surrounded by its own beauty of nature.
My bills have been paid
and my heavy debts lifted.

And life is so much more joyful
so much more hopeful
than it was on that walk fifteen years ago.

At that time I hoped for a joyful and vibrant life,
but then it was a request of faith
and now it’s acknowledging
where you’ve brought me.

While I was walking through the bluebells
“O Love,” a song from our Good Friday cantata,
was going through my head,
especially these lines:

“O Joy, O Joy, that seeks me through the pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee.
I trace the rainbow through the rain
and see the promise is not vain
that morn shall tearless be.”

So I praise you, Lord,
for your unfailing love,
and your wonderful deeds for humankind.
You brought me out of a place of deep emotional pain
and filled my heart with joy.

“Weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.”

Thank you, Lord my God.
Thank you, Father.

You’re very welcome to post your own thanksgiving psalm in the comments! Tell about a time when you were in trouble, you asked the Lord for help, and the Lord answered. I have to say it really helped my mood.

A Lament for Leukemia

Praying with the Psalmists 4

This week, my small group is covering the chapter from my not-yet-published book Praying with the Psalmists about Thanksgiving Psalms. Since I want them to try praying their own thanksgiving psalm, I’m planning to take up the challenge myself.

But then my family got some terrible news — and I need to write a lament first.

Here’s a picture of my brother’s family, which I took in Maui last December at my sister’s wedding.

Their middle child, Meredith, six years old, this week relapsed with leukemia. Her first diagnosis with leukemia was January 2020, when she was three years old. She went through two years of treatments and appointments and one year ago was given a clean bill of health, and we all thought it was over and done.

So this is quite a blow. (And anyone reading this, please say a prayer for Meredith.)

So before I tackle a thanksgiving psalm (And before this news, I was thinking of thanking God for Meredith’s healing. It was a beautiful thing.) — I need to pray a lament for Meredith and this awful news.

I made an acronym to remember the form of a Lament:
Address to God
Complaint
Confession of Trust
Entreaty
Sureness of Help
Subsequent Praise

This isn’t going to be polished. But let me pray:

Lord, I come before you.
Hear my prayer.
Listen to my heart’s cry
and look with compassion on my family.

Six years old, Lord!
She’s only six years old.
Pain and discomfort and medical appointments have been a big part of her life.
Lord, she’s a child!
Not a saint, but a beautiful wonder of your creation.
With your image inside her,
the spark of independent thought,
a little girl full of life and wonder and curiosity and fun.
Her family’s been through so much, Lord.
Her parents have lived with the fear of losing her for half her life.
On top of so many other pressures.
Lord, it’s too much!
Father, I notice that when I mention to anyone
that my six-year-old niece is again facing leukemia,
every single person responds with compassion.
How could you do anything less?
Lord, look on this child, this family
have compassion on their pain and fear.

And, Lord, you showed up before.
You got them through those two years of treatments.
They were daunted; it was hard,
but her body responded well
and she finished the treatments
with joy and celebration.
We know that your compassion is unending
and your mercy is great.

Lord, grant Meredith your healing.
Grant her family your grace and strength.
We ask for life for Meredith,
life and health and joy.
Show your mercy;
send your comfort.

“You, O God, do see trouble and grief;
you consider it to take it in hand.”
We know that you love Meredith
more than any human can.
We know that you see;
we know that you care.

And Lord, we look forward to the day
when we can celebrate again
for Meredith once more
enjoying a body free of cancer.
Somehow, we’re going to top a unicorn party!

Psalms of Confession

Praying with the Psalmists 0

I’ve written a book called Praying with the Psalmists, and I’m going through it with my church small group. The basic idea is to look at ten types of Psalms and use patterns from the Psalms in your own prayers.

Since I’m urging other people to try it, the least I can do is keep doing it myself! This week we’re covering Psalms of Confession.

Psalms of Confession follow a similar pattern to Laments, and I’ve made an ACCESS acronym to remember the parts:

Address to God
Confession of Sin
Confession of Trust
Entreaty
Sureness of Help
Subsequent Praise

I haven’t committed any big sins lately. No lying or stealing or killing. But I think of a line from a group confession in church: “We have not loved you with our whole hearts.” I have committed plenty of sins of omission.

In fact, when I approach Psalms of Confession with my own inadequacy, I find I have plenty to pray about. And a characteristic of these Psalms in the Bible is that they overflow with the Lord’s mercy, forgiveness, and chesed, unfailing love.

Lately, my life is very good, but I feel like I’m doing too many good things — and then feeling inadequate when I don’t do them well. It came to a head the other night, when a closet shelf in my bedroom closet collapsed in the middle of my night and scared me half to death. I was relieved when I found out what it was — but also found out it stirred up all my anxieties.

Let me stop explaining and take it before the Lord.

Have mercy on me, Lord.
Grant me your peace.
See me with your eyes of love,
instead of my eagle-eyed perfectionism.

Lord, you’ve filled my life with good things —
a job I love,
an award committee,
a choir to sing with,
a small group to help lead,
a book ready to send out,
a website to add to,
a group to play games with,
weekly virtual visits with my kids,
a trip coming to see family,
a sister coming after that,
a home I love and want to keep clean…
And I am not keeping up with those wonderful things.

Worse, I’m wasting time mindlessly reading Twitter or Facebook,
when I could at least be reading for the award.
I’m unproductive and stay up late
and then don’t have energy for what I should be doing.
Yes, perfectionism is robbing my joy,
but it’s also that old problem of wanting to do more wonderful things
than a human can do.
And then I wear myself out
and fret about what I’m not doing
Or worry about how I’m going to prepare
unwilling to let things go,
unwilling to understand
that often the only one requiring perfection of me
is myself.

Lord, you “give sleep to those you love.”
And you grant me 24 hours in a day.
You have given me these wonderful gifts,
this wonderful time in my life.
You know that I am dust,
and you love me anyway.
You know I won’t get it all done,
and I won’t make perfect choices,
that I’ll often choose unwisely
and bear the consequences in needless exhaustion.
Yet you love me anyway.

Lord, grant me your Joy.
You’ve blessed me abundantly —
help me remember.
Give me wisdom in choosing how to spend my time
and grant me grace when I fail to choose wisely.
Redeem my mistakes,
show me the joy of imperfection.

Thank you, Lord, for always loving me.
Thank you that you have promised to give wisdom generously.
Thank you that you don’t find fault
when I need to ask yet once again.
If I had my way,
I’d simply do a certain list of tasks each day of the week.
Thank you for not giving me my way,
and adding so much spice and variety and job
if I’m willing to see it.

Lord, I know you will answer this prayer
and help me live with more joy.
And that joy will overflow in praise to you.
Thank you for amazing moments like the sunrise over the lake this morning.

Thank you for showing your love.
May I praise you as long as I live.

Please — anyone is welcome to add their own prayer in the comments!

Christmas Letter 2022

Letters 8

Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! This “Christmas” Letter has turned into a New Year’s Letter — But may every holiday you celebrate be filled with moments of joy!

It’s time for my annual reflection on my year. I try to get it written by Christmas, but allow myself grace if it doesn’t happen. This year — I had the letter written by Christmas, but decided to look through all the pictures I took in 2022, so now it’s the New Year. One thing that’s always true is how much my life is enriched by the people I’ve gotten to spend time with along the way — so do know that I am thinking about you during this holiday season and wishing you blessings and joy.

2022 was a fabulous year for me. A turning point came one morning in March. I was sitting on an interview panel, thinking how much more fun interview panels are when you’re one of the people asking the questions instead of the person answering the questions. I thought to myself, “I’m so glad I love my job and will never have to interview ever again!”

Then we broke for lunch and a Youth Services Managers’ meeting at 1:00. At the meeting, the Youth Materials Selector for our entire system of 22 branches announced that she was going to be moving to Utah. It was less than half a second after she said that before I knew that I would be applying for that position and that I wanted it with all my heart.

And, yes, I applied. They were mercifully quick about opening the position up for applications and getting the interviews done. (I say mercifully, because nine years before, the same position had been open, and what with one thing and another, it went unfilled for a year and a half.) The interview was virtual and somehow that was a lot less scary for me than in person, and I’d practiced, and it went really well. Since June, I have been working as Youth Materials Selector! And yes, I love the job as much as I’ve always known I would. Yes, I loved working in the branches, but this feels like the right job for me at the right time, and I’m still tremendously happy about going to my job every day — or teleworking and doing my job at home.

I’ve always been obsessed with new children’s books — and now that’s my job! It also feels a little bit like a game figuring out how many of which items to order and still stay within the various budgets. I spend over $20,000 each week, so I get to use my math skills as well. It’s perfect!

The rest of my life is full and happy, too. Also in March, I took a trip to the amazing Highlights Foundation Center for a writing retreat. (They feed you! Wonderful farm-fresh food.) My pandemic project was writing a book about Psalms, and now I’ve got the book where I’m ready to submit it to agents and/or publishers. I am really hoping to have more to report about that next year.

Now that I telework twice a week, I manage to get in more walks by my lake (working later if I take a long break) and still can’t resist taking pictures of the flowers, autumn leaves, and especially the great blue heron.

I still play board games, with an in-person Sunday afternoon group still going strong, and a weekly Tuesday evening virtual game time and Skype call with both my kids, Zephyr and Tim, who live in Oregon. I consider that weekly time with them the Great Gift of the Pandemic, because that’s what made me aware of the dominion.games site — featuring a game I’d played with Tim all through their years in high school and college.

As of September, I’ve begun co-leading a ladies’ virtual small group with my church. Going virtual has been a good way to make friends and connect with a group without taking yet another evening out and about, because Wednesday nights, I’m singing with the church choir and still getting great joy out of that.

This Christmas felt hectic — because on Thanksgiving I took a trip to Maui for my sister Wendy’s wedding! Yes, the trip was wonderful, but it wasn’t quite what I expected, since I got a tiny sore throat three days after I got there — and the next day had a full-fledged cold — and tested positive for Covid.

The good news is that Wendy didn’t catch it and the friend I was staying with didn’t catch it and my other visiting family members didn’t catch it. I ended up doing a lot of reading and relaxing on the balcony of my friend’s house and ate all my meals outdoors. And the wedding was on the beach, with a strong wind, on Day 6 of Covid, so I was able to attend and enjoy Wendy’s wonderful windy wedding.

When I got back, I had my second negative Covid test (48 hours apart) exactly on time to rehearse for our choir’s Christmas cantata one day and perform the next. After the performances, I fell asleep for four hours! But it was a great joy to get to sing.

Yet another thing keeping me busy and happy is Book Award Committees. I took a reading retreat in October to New River Gorge National Park to read for the first round of the Cybils Awards, in the Young Adult Speculative Fiction category. This year, I’m category chair as well. We met virtually to choose our Finalists the day after Christmas, so of course I was still finishing up the reading through Christmas. After that, I have some books to read for the Mathical Book Prize, by January 10th (but those are mostly shorter). And after that, I want to cram in some more books for Capitol Choices — a local group of librarians that chooses 100 best children’s and young adult books of the year each year.

And just this week I got the good news that I have been appointed to the 2024 Morris Award committee! This group chooses the best young adult book of 2023 by a debut author. So I will need to get busy reading for that award as soon as I finish all that reading for 2023 awards.

Remember what I told you about being obsessed with new children’s books? Both my new job and these committees feed that obsession and bring me lots of joy. I’m probably a little bit overcommitted, but I’m definitely having fun.

And if you’re interested in which books I loved most from 2022, watch my Sonderbooks site for the 2022 Sonderbooks Stand-outs. I like to post them on New Year’s Day, but a bad tooth had other ideas. I hope it will be soon, though!

So that’s what I’ve been up to in 2022. How about you? I always love this chance to reconnect with friends. Drop me an email if you get the chance!

And here’s wishing you all a joyous holiday season!

— Sondy

Praying with the Psalmists

Praying with the Psalmists 2

My pandemic project was writing a book about Psalms, and now the main work of writing it is finished.

The book is about looking at the ten types of Psalms and using them as patterns for writing out own psalms.

If I eventually get the book published, I want to have a website where people can post their own psalms to share with others who have read the book.

For now, this blog post will have to do. People who have read the manuscript form of the book are encouraged to post their psalms in the comments.

And I’ll start it off by writing a simple prayer of thanks for my big life change of 2022, using parallelism.

Thanks for a Blessed Year

Lord, this year unexpectedly a dream came true,
I was surprised with a second chance at a job I’d long wanted.

I’d wanted the job ever since I found out it existed,
thought it would be cool for about 14 years.
Nine years ago, the job came open
and I watched every week for an announcement,
but it took a year before I could apply,
and weeks beyond that before interviews happened.

Then they put applicants through three interviews,
and I was only offered two.
I was so nervous with the in-person interview,
I got a dizzy spell.
It was another half a year before I found out my dream didn’t happen,
and with a young person in the job, I thought it never would.

I didn’t understand, but I made the best of it.
After all, in a branch, my job had more variety.
I liked my coworkers,
and I liked reading to kids.
I spent the time getting better at my job
and finding great joy in it.

Surely it was all for the best,
even though I couldn’t understand?

Then in March last year, I was sitting on an interview panel,
thinking how much better it is to ask the questions than answer,
thinking how much I loved my current job,
thinking how glad I was I’d never have to interview again.

A couple hours later, I learned that my dream job was coming open again,
as the young selector was moving to Utah.
In less than a blink of an eye,
I knew I’d be interviewing for the job,
the dream job I’d always wanted,
that I still wanted with all my heart.

I was afraid the interview would be scary.
I didn’t want another dizzy spell.
I found practice questions and thought through my answers.
I did two practice interviews with others
and countless practice interviews by myself.
The real interview happened about a month later.
(Only a month!)
It was virtual, and two of the three asking questions were already friends.
I got to tell them why this job is right for me.

And I got the job!
And yes, this is the right job for me at the right time.

Looking back, I’m happy about those nine years at Fairfax branch,
that I wouldn’t have had if things had gone how I wanted.

But there are so many things right about doing the job now,
with nine years more experience in the branches.

And Lord, this builds my trust
and fills my heart with joy.
You did grant me my heart’s desire,
at an even better time than when I first wanted it.

I’m amazed and thankful,
and simply going to work gives me joy.

Thank you for this blessing.
Thank you for a dream come true.

Praying a Thanksgiving Psalm

Praying with the Psalmists 1

I’m working on a book about Psalms. It’s called Praying with the Psalmists and analyzes ten different types of Psalms in the Bible. Then the reader is challenged to use each of these types to write their own psalms and pray their own prayers. And I’m putting in memoir material as I go.

Several years ago, I wrote the example Thanksgiving psalm I was going to use and posted it in this blog. But now that I’m looking at it again, it gives away some events from my life that I wanted to put in the following chapter. So I need to write a new Thanksgiving psalm! Shouldn’t be hard, right? I mean, that’s the whole point of my book. Right?

The form of Thanksgiving Psalms is praise before and after a Deliverance Account. The Deliverance Account takes this form:

I was in trouble. I called. God intervened.

I want to do it about something recent, so I’m going to talk about when I left my former church in 2019, and how wonderfully God turned things out.

I left because my former church decided by an overwhelming majority to vote to include in their church constitution that it’s officially sinful to be LGBTQ. I strongly disagree with that policy and believe it’s falling into the sin of the Pharisees that Jesus condemned in Matthew 23 and makes a heavy load and places it on other people’s shoulders without lifting a finger to help them.

I was very sad to leave that church, however, because it was full of people I cared about and who cared about me.

And I would like them to read and use my book, so I will see if I can mention that I left without mentioning why.

I was also torn about my decision. Was I being judgmental of them for being too judgmental? But time has shown that it was a wonderful decision and I am tremendously happy in my new church. And now I feel like God didn’t just nudge me to where I needed to be — God dragged me there kicking and screaming. But I’m so happy to be there now!

So let’s put it in a psalm:

A Thanksgiving Psalm for a Church Home

I will thank you, Lord,
with all my heart.
You have answered my longings
and filled me with joy.
You have put new songs in my mouth
and given me new friends to sing them with.

I was sad and heartbroken,
destitute to leave my church family of years.
I had a point of disagreement
important to my convictions,
fundamentally about ministry,
and important to my family.
But how could I leave my home?
How could I take a different path
from the people who’d sustained me
through hard times and difficulties?

I called out to you, Lord.
I agonized and prayed.
I tried to find a different way.
I talked with the elders, the pastor, leaders.
But the more I talked
and the more I prayed,
the more I realized it was time for me
to look for a new church home.
I’d hoped you would lead me otherwise,
or intervene and eliminate the need.
But that’s not how things happened,
and it was time to visit another church,
one where I was a stranger
and didn’t know anyone,
with no one greeting me by name
or looking for me to catch up.

On my very first visit
an amazing coincidence gave me hints
I was in the right place.
Then someone told me I should join the choir,
starting back up at the end of the summer.

And in the choir,
I truly found my new family.
So many meaningful times in my life
had been singing to the Lord,
among choirs of fellow believers.
It was so good to be back!

Besides the choir,
more and more things showed
that you, Lord, brought me
to the right place for me.
There’d be a word in a sermon,
a song that hit the spot.
A small group during the pandemic
gave me new connections who cared.
Now every week, I lift my voice
in praise and wonder to the Lord.

You, Father, have your hand
always in my life.
You’ve brought me to where I belong
at this particular time,
and I praise you and thank you
for knowing what I need
so much better than I do.

Out of the time of pain
you, Lord, brought me where I needed to be.
And looking back, I can’t help but realize
that for anything less, I wouldn’t have gone.

Lord, I will truly praise you in the congregation,
in the assembly of the peoples.
I will sing your praises every week
along with my new family,
my brothers and sisters
all lifting our voices together in praise.

Christmas Letter 2021

Letters 4

It’s time to write my annual Christmas letter summing up my year. It has evolved from a printed letter to a blog post. And this way I can write it during my time off for Christmas! It does come with wishes for each of you reading it to be blessed with Joys, big and small, this season.

I love this section from a Richard Rohr devotional email I received last week:

In the first 1200 years of Christianity, the most prominent feast was Easter, the celebration of Christ’s resurrection. Around 1200, Francis of Assisi entered the scene, and he felt we didn’t need to wait for God to love us through the cross and resurrection. He believed God loved us from the very beginning and showed this love by becoming incarnate in Jesus. He popularized what we take for granted today, the great Christian feast of Christmas. But Christmas only started being popular in the 13th century.

The main point I want to make is the switch in theological emphasis that took place. The Franciscans realized that if God had become flesh and taken on materiality, physicality, and humanity, then the problem of our unworthiness was solved from the very beginning! God “saved” us by becoming one of us!

The ornament above was given to me by a friend from my gaming group who is also a pharmacist. It perfectly represents 2021. That’s an empty Moderna vaccine vial, with red caps from more vials. Also included are a plague cube and other game pieces from Pandemic Legacy Season 2, which we finally got to finish in person. We lost the final game, which we hope doesn’t mean the world is doomed. Anyway, it makes a fun ornament!

As I got vaccinated, and later boostered, many things went back to in-person. The library opened up even more hours than before the pandemic, and we started some in-person programs again. Church and choir went back to in-person, wearing masks, and it does my heart good to sing and worship with others again.

Meanwhile, I’m still working on my big pandemic project — writing a book about Psalms. It’s about using the examples in Psalms to write your own prayers, and it’s become a memoir as well, talking about parts of my life along with the different types of Psalms. The whole project is taking me longer than I thought it would. Hmmm. Since I began it when the pandemic started, maybe if I finally finish it the pandemic will end? It’s worth a try! But it’s turning out that writing it is wonderfully therapeutic for me. I hope to finish it in 2022 and then take up the challenge of finding an audience.

I still haven’t done any air travel since the pandemic started. (It doesn’t help that the last time I flew — just before the pandemic — I got very sick.) But I did two personal retreats that were both lovely. The first was in May, renting a cottage on the Eastern Shore. The second was in October at the Highlights Foundation Center. They’ve got a retreat center, and when the center isn’t all booked for workshops, you can do a personal retreat with meals included, and the farm-to-table food is incredibly good. I made good progress on my book at the retreat and also gave my website Sonderbooks.com a major revision to make it more readable on mobile devices.

I did a virtual Jane Austen Summer Program in June, as well as two virtual ALA conferences. Here I am with a turban as was popular in Jane Austen’s day. It was a lot of fun!

And I’m on three book award committees! Capitol Choices is not a new group for me — DC-area librarians who meet monthly and choose 100 of the best books for kids and teens each year. I’m also doing the Cybils Awards again — this time on the second-round panel for Young Adult Speculative Fiction. So beginning January 1st, I will need to read seven finalists and help choose one winner.

But the new committee I’m super excited about is for the Mathical Book Prize — honoring books for children’s and teens that have a mathematical element in them. I’ve wanted to be part of this ever since I heard the prize existed, and this year I finally made the right connection. We’ll decide our winners in late January and make an announcement soon afterward.

Another momentous thing about 2021 was that for a third of the year, I was dating a kind and thoughtful man who lives in Harrisonburg, two hours away. Ultimately, I decided that this time in my life isn’t a great time for a long-distance relationship, but he got me out of my house more than I had since the pandemic began.

My kids are doing well, still in the Portland area. Zephyr’s been doing internet transcribing and making a fantasy baseball website. Tim’s working from home as a programmer, and once a week we Skype and play Dominion online, which makes me happy to have that connection.

As I write this, none of it sounds very exciting, but I’ve got a happy and busy life. I get lots of fulfillment out of my work, my church, and all those projects I always have going. When I need a dose of nature, I still enjoy my condo by the lake, as you can tell by the pictures I’ve put with this letter.

Here’s wishing you, my friends, much joy in the upcoming year!