Go on the presumption that your partner has a bigger picture. You may not see it now, and it may not be logical, but it will make emotional sense if you can allow yourself to hear her story. You have a better chance of learning that story if you can continue asking questions like, “In addition to anger, what else do you feel? . . . And what else?”
Don’t get stuck on getting your point heard. In Seething Stalemate, you tend to put the bulk of your energy into coercing your partner to hear your side. Once you give that up, you’re likely to obtain clearer focus of what the argument is really about.
— Ellyn Bader, PhD, and Peter T. Pearson, PhD, Tell Me No Lies, p. 141