Recognize that what your partner does is a problem, but it’s not the problem. The problem is how you react to what your partner does. If you make your partner the problem, all you can do is hope that he changes or try to get him to change. That’s a disempowered position. As you increase your ability to respond to the negative things your partner does, you are going to empower yourself and increase your own self-esteem. This single concept is the driving principle behind almost all books on improving relationships.
— Ellyn Bader, PhD, and Peter T. Pearson, PhD, Tell Me No Lies, p. 141