Unenforceable Rules

Forgiveness, Life, Marriage 0

Nearly all relationship problems begin when our partners break an unenforceable rule.  Your frustrated attempt to enforce such a rule is at the root of your anger toward your loved one.  Feelings of anger, helplessness, or depression are all indications that you are trying to enforce something that cannot be enforced.  Your anger is telling you that things are not working out the way you want them to.  These situations are painful because you are not able to control them, even though you try over and over to do so….

If most of your partner’s actions cause you a good deal of emotional distress, you may be trying to enforce an unenforceable rule.  We cling to our unenforceable rules and refuse to accept our partner’s mistakes, flaws, and disagreeable traits, thinking that we should not have to put up with them.  This is like clinging to the anchor of a ship you fell off of.  As you gasp your last breath, you’re still complaining that the anchor was there to keep your boat safe, and damn it, dragging you to the bottom of the sea isn’t helping.  The anchor is wrong.  It hasn’t read the anchor rulebook and doesn’t know the right way to do its job….

When you try and fail to enforce one of your unenforceable rules, you become angry, bitter, despondent, and helpless.  Trying to force something that you cannot control to go your way is an exercise in frustration.  You can’t force your spouse to love you or to stop cheating; nor can you force your kids to treat you respectfully.  The more unenforceable rules you have, the more likely you are to feel agitated and disappointed with your marriage.  When you cling to unenforceable rules, you leave yourself open to pain every time one of them is broken.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 111-112

No Gray Grudge Areas

Forgiveness 0

Jesus eliminates any gray areas for grudges.  In fact He says that our attitude is to be so far removed from avenging ourselves that we are willing to open ourselves to the possibility of being taken advantage of again.

— John Bevere, The Bait of Satan, p. 137

Openness

Forgiveness, Marriage, Truth 0

You still need to be open with your partner about the things he or she does that are hurtful, offensive, or selfish.  You don’t have to be a martyr about it.  A strong, healthy relationship needs open communication, and letting your partner know how he or she is hurting the relationship is necessary for things to improve.  The important thing is to forgive your lover before you initiate that talk.  Then you can talk openly and pleasantly, without anger….

Forgiveness does not solve every problem.  But it does reduce the intensity of emotional distress so that our problems can be talked about and solved if possible.  Blaming our partners for not being the person we want them to be creates anger in both us and them.  This anger causes stress.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 105-107

What Would a Perfect Person Want With Us?

Compassion, Forgiveness, Marriage 0

I am trying to remind you to be humble about your own flaws and to remember that you too regularly require forgiveness.  If you want a successful relationship, you need to be gentle with the inevitable flaws of your lover.  I also want you to understand that dealing kindly with the mistakes and wounds of your partner is how you open yourself up to true love….  Coming home to a passionate sex partner who was also a great cook, hard worker, high wage earner, good communicator, and all-round fabulous person would be great.  The problem with that scenario is twofold.  First, what would such a perfect person want with us, and second, how would we learn to really love if our needs were always met with a smile?  It is easy to love those who never test us because they are always giving and never in a bad mood.  It is difficult to love real people because they ask us to give and give and forgive and be humble….

There must be something we need to learn from our partners’ weaknesses and our own weaknesses.  It may be that when we love our partners in a way that includes their differences and flaws, we go deep enough to create an enduring partnership.  When we are cruel and dismissive about our differences and our partners’ weaknesses, we impose our fantasy of how a lover should be on a live human being….  Forgiveness emerges once we accept the challenge of loving the real person we are with.  Only then can we begin to develop a deep and lasting partnership.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 105

Recognize That Everyone Is Flawed . . . Including You

Forgiveness, Marriage, Relationships 0

The next step in this process is to honor without resentment the flawed nature of the human being with whom you share your life.  By definition, you are with someone who has significant limitations.  Unfortunately, you did not get in the line where they were offering saints, angels, personal saviors, or slaves.  You got in the line for a regular person, warts and all.  Learning to accept your partner’s limitations with tenderness is the next step of forgiveness and the opening to a true love.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive For Love, p. 99

More Fun, But Impractical

Forgiveness, Humor 0

There are some who say that you should forgive everyone, even the people who have disappointed you immeasurably.  There are others who say you should not forgive anyone, and should stomp off in a huff no matter how many times they apologize.  Of these two philosophies, the second one is of course much more fun, but it can also grow exhausting to stomp off in a huff every time someone has disappointed you, as everyone disappoints everyone eventually, and one can’t stomp off in a huff every minute of the day.

— Lemony Snicket, Horseradish:  Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid, p. 26

A Boomerang

Forgiveness, Healing, Letting Go 0

Cursing is a boomerang.  If I will evil towards someone else, that evil becomes visible in me.  It is an extreme way of being forensic, toward myself, as well as toward whoever outrages me.  To avoid contaminating myself and everybody around me, I must work through the anger and the hurt feelings and the demands for absolute justice to a desire for healing.  Healing for myself, and my anger, first, because until I am at least in the process of healing, I cannot heal; and then healing for those who have hurt or betrayed me, and those I have hurt and betrayed.

— Madeleine L’Engle, A Stone for a Pillow, quoted in Glimpses of Grace, compiled by Carole F. Chase

Experiencing Life Together

Forgiveness, Marriage, Relationships 0

Three inconvenient truths make this simple and obvious step to forgiveness challenging.  The first truth is that every relationship is a risk.  The second truth is that each and every relationship will end.  And the third truth is that we can neither change nor control our partner’s actions.  All three truths point to the same message:  when we commit to someone, we don’t know what we will get or how long it will last.  Because of these three truths, every relationship will have challenges and be difficult at times.  We can’t choose whether or not to have difficult experiences — all we can do is choose who to have those difficult experiences with….

When you say, “I do,” you are choosing who you will experience these uncertainties and vulnerabilities with, not making a choice as to whether or not they will happen.  When you set up a life with someone, you are in part agreeing to experience the pains and difficulties of life with them.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 89

You Made the Choice

Forgiveness, Marriage, Relationships 0

The man or woman walking beside you is there for one simple reason — out of all the people out there, you chose this person as your partner, faults and all.  You chose to join with this person and try to make a life together.  The fact that your partner is with you only because you made a decision to invite him or her to join you is the simplest reason to be more forgiving of this person.  Your decision to choose this partner also implies that you continue to be able to choose how much effort you will make toward sustaining a loving relationship with him or her.  It is your positive exercise of choice that will be at the heart of a successful long-term relationship….

Forgiveness allows you to continue to be kind and to honor your choice even when your partner’s conduct has been poor.  It allows you to love your partner in ways that accept his or her flawed humanness.  Continuing to accept that we made a choice when we picked our lover is an ongoing affirmation that is essential in creating a successful relationship….

When we choose our mate, we select one specific person with whom to try to do our absolute best.  We promise that person that we will try to be as kind and loving as possible, and that we will practice loyalty and offer solace as needed.  We also promise to forgive our partner when we can for his or her flaws, weaknesses, silly habits, or selfishness.

To forgive, you need to understand that everything that has happened in your relationship came about because of your willing decision to join with your partner….  In this forgiveness step, you take responsibility for your decision, and once you do that, there is no one to blame when things go wrong.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 81-87

Replacing Resentment

Forgiveness, Love, Relationships 0

When we finally stop resenting the person we live with, we almost inevitably find that love blossoms in our lives.  Happiness will grow in your relationship as forgiveness replaces resentment.  The less resentment you hold toward your partner, the more love you will experience.  The cost to your relationship in diminished love and happiness is the same whether you resent your partner for snoring or for leaving the toilet seat up.  You will experience the same problems whether you resent your partner for something he or she did yesterday or for something from five years ago.  The cost is always diminished love in your heart and a greater hurt in your partner’s.  We pay a huge cost when we do not know how to forgive….

People who don’t know how to forgive think that being resentful is a normal state to be in….  With forgiveness we release the constriction we have placed on our hearts and love our partners for exactly who they are.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 79-81