When we choose to forgive others, even when they are not broken themselves, God pours out freedom, grace, peace, joy, love — and even forgiveness itself into our hearts. It takes your breath away when you experience it yourself. It takes you to depths with God that you never could have reached except through this mysterious path.
— testimonial quoted in Choosing Forgiveness, by Nancy Leigh DeMoss, p. 141
But though that person’s hardness will affect his well-being and his relationships until he faces and deals with his sin, though it may keep him in bondage, no one can force you to be bound as a prisoner in your own heart — not as long as you take the bold step to forgive. That is a choice you can and must make, regardless of where the other person is in their journey.
— Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Choosing Forgiveness, p. 134
Forgiveness does not mean that we will cease to hurt. The wounds are deep, and we may hurt for a very long time. Just because we continue to experience emotional pain does not mean that we have failed to forgive.
Forgiveness does not mean that we will forget…. No, we remember, but in forgiving we no longer use the memory against others.
Forgiveness is not pretending that the offense did not really matter. It did matter, and it does matter, and there is no use pretending otherwise. The offense is real, but when we forgive, the offense no longer controls our behavior.
Forgiveness is not acting as if things are just the same as before the offense. We must face the fact that things will never be the same. By the grace of God they can be a thousand times better, but they will never again be the same.
What then is forgiveness? It is a miracle of grace whereby the offense no longer separates…. Forgiveness means that the power of love that holds us together is greater than the power of the offense that separates us. That is forgiveness. In forgiveness we are releasing our offenders so that they are no longer bound to us. In a very real sense we are freeing them to receive God’s grace. We are also inviting our offenders back into the circle of fellowship.
— Richard J. Foster, Prayer, p. 187-188
As long as the only cry heard among us is for vengeance, there can be no reconciliation. If our hearts are so narrow as to see only how others have hurt and offended us, we cannot see how we have offended God and so find no need to seek forgiveness. If we are always calculating in our hearts how much this one or that one has violated our rights, by the very nature of things we will not be able to pray this prayer.
In the affairs of human beings there is a vicious circle of retaliation: you gore my ox, and I’ll gore your ox; you hurt me, and I’ll hurt you in return. Now the giving of forgiveness is so essential because it breaks this law of retribution. We are offended, and, instead of offending in return, we forgive. (Be assured that we are able to do this only because of the supreme act of forgiveness at Golgotha, which once and for all broke the back of the cycle of retaliation.) When we do, when we forgive, it unleashes a flood of forgiving graces from heaven and among human beings.
— Richard J. Foster, Prayer, p. 187
Jesus invites us to pray: “Forgive us our debts.” He teaches us in this way because he knows how very much God loves to forgive. It is the one thing he yearns to do, aches to do, rushes to do. At the very heart of the universe is God’s desire to give and to forgive.
— Richard J. Foster, Prayer, p. 186
One of the great misconceptions about forgiveness is that it is the same as reconciliation. Reconciliation is deciding whether or not to talk to your lover again after an infidelity. Forgiveness is deciding whether or not to let go of the anger and despair you feel because you did not get the loyal partnership you wanted. Reconciliation means reestablishing a relationship with the person who hurt you. Forgiveness means making peace with a bitter part of your past and no longer blaming your experiences on the offender. You can forgive even if you don’t want to have any further relationship with the person who hurt you….
Forgiving someone does not require that you condone that person’s unkind, inconsiderate, or selfish behavior. To forgive is to let go of the extra suffering you have imposed on yourself after the normal cycle of grief has run its course….
Forgiveness acknowledges that we were disappointed but allows us not to stay stuck in the past….
Forgiveness is about today and not yesterday.
— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 21-26
Forgiveness can wrap up the grief, but it does not prevent the inevitable and necessary suffering. When there is a serious injury or loss, there is no way to avoid pain. If you want to have a satisfactory future, you will need to feel the loss and then let go of the hurt it has caused you. You need to forgive.
Even if you decide to divorce after a betrayal, you will still need to forgive…. When you forgive, you are able to be at peace even though rejection, disloyalty, and dishonesty have been a part of your life.
Your best chance for successful future relationships and overall happiness is to forgive your former partner. Forgiveness is not a substitute for grief, nor does it preclude the pain caused by your partner’s cheating. But it does gently allow your grief to ebb so that you can move on and live a successful life.
— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 21
Being able to remain calm when your wishes are unfulfilled is an essential skill in a successful marriage. If you are honest with yourself, you will agree that not getting exactly what you want from your partner is a major challenge in even a good relationship. One reason this happens is that we experience such minor disappointments on a regular basis. Our partners do things against our wishes every day, and even if they do what we want sometimes, it is not exactly the way we wanted. Learning how to cope with this successfully is essential….
Forgiving your partner does not mean you have to accept everything your lover does. It simply means you can contentedly live with your lover without getting upset every time he or she chooses to ignore your wishes.
— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 16-17
The ability to remain at peace when you do not get what you want is forgiveness….
When you want something different from what you actually get, you are always in a position of struggle. That struggle often shows up as anger or despair or a sense of helplessness. The good news is that you can get over those negative emotional reactions and learn to be at peace….
Whether or not you remain at peace is mostly up to you. Forgiveness contains the understanding that another person’s action, no matter how awful, does not compel you to be endlessly miserable, angry, or emotionally distraught.
— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 14-15
Think about it. The centrality of commitment in relationships is expressed through the marriage vows, which ask us to love our partners through richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, and for better and for worse until death. That means that we promise to love them when they are not doing well, when they have failed, when life is not exactly turning out as hoped, or when we’re going through a financial reversal. What I see in the marriage vows is a basic prescription: if we want our relationships to last, we better be prepared to forgive. The vows make it clear that over the life of a marriage we will experience difficulty and pain and that it is our responsibility to stay connected to our partners. How could we possibly do this without forgiveness? What other form of healing would clean the slate and give us fresh eyes and an open heart?
— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 4