If there’s bad behaviour, the quickest way of stopping it is to give more love. That always works, you know. People say that we must punish when there is wrongdoing, but if you punish you’re only punishing yourself. And what’s the point of that?
— Mma Potokwane in The Good Husband of Zebra Drive, by Alexander McCall Smith
This God’s love is a redemptive love; a patient, kind love that never gives up (I Corinthians 13). This Father is a shepherd who, as Jesus taught, does not give up seeking his beloved, wayward sheep, but looks for it until he finds it (Luke 15:4). His covenant with creation will not allow him to abandon it to its own darkness, but commits him to redeeming it in its entirety.
The love of God in the New Testament, as in the Old, is perfectly compatible with divine wrath and punishment (Heb 12:7-11). However, such punishment is always a means to an end, and such wrath is never the last word. The last word is always grace.
— Gregory MacDonald, The Evangelical Universalist, p. 103
My faith in God, who is eternally loving and constant even as my understanding grows and changes, makes life not only worth living, but gives me the courage to dare to disturb the universe when that is what el calls me to do. Sometimes simply being open, refusing to settle for finite answers, disturbs the universe. Questions are disturbing, especially those which may threaten our traditions, our institutions, our security. But questions never threaten the living God, who is constantly calling us, and who affirms for us that love is stronger than hate, blessing stronger than cursing.
— Madeleine L’Engle, Stone for a Pillow, p. 140, quoted in Glimpses of Grace, compiled by Carole F. Chase
Another important reason to deepen your friendship with your lover is that you are more likely to be kind and loving toward someone you consider a friend. Friendship is an invitation to be kind and generous to both ourselves and our partners. When your lover is your friend, you understand that he or she was not put on earth just to make you happy. Your lover has as much right as you do to have personal habits and quirks. When we are truly friends with our partners, we show them goodwill and do not just expect to have goodwill shown to us.
— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 154
It is incredibly important, and critical to any thriving marriage, that spouses see each other as separate persons with unique goals and desires. This is not easy to do. In the first thrall of love, people tend to look for and find their similarities with each other and to ignore obvious differences. It’s normal to see the ways a new partner thinks like us and to focus on the things that bind us together….Â
After a while a new couple realizes that for all their similarities they are still different in significant ways. For many couples, this is a problematic stage, and it requires a good deal of forgiveness.
— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 151-152
We make an agreement with ourselves to look at our partners, as much as possible, through the eyes of love. The eyes of love reveal our partners to be wounded individuals who make mistakes, not terrible people trying to do harm.
— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 150
When we commit to our lovers, we implicitly promise to forgive them. There is no other way we can live with someone for better or for worse or until death do us part.
— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 150
Your ability to forgive grows stronger when you accept the gifts of love your partner offers. At the very least this means accepting that your relationship will not last forever. This also means that you should glorify any and all experiences you have of love. One way to do this is to understand that love is a precious gift and to be grateful for the fact that you were given it, even if it did not last. One of the tragedies I see in my work is people discounting past love because it did not last. They are unable to take joy in the love they shared because that love ended. I have had numerous people tell me that their marriage of twenty years was a sham because after fifteen years their partner had an affair. Their pain was understandable, but it minimized the fact that the love in their lives was majestic and a blessing no matter how long it lasted.
— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 135
Discontent is what fuels growth — in marriage, in oneself, and in institutions. It’s what propels you to come up with creative solutions and to seek novelty and change. Merely accepting this represents a huge step in keeping a marriage alive and frees you to move onward, out of the dark side.
— Ellyn Bader and Peter T. Pearson, Tell Me No Lies:Â How to Stop Lying to Your Partner — And Yourself — In the 4 Stages of Marriage, p. 81
We continue to hold our grudges when we do not keep our lovers’ goodness front and center. When we forgive our partners, we see more than just the harm they may have done. Not that they are blameless or perfect. But when we forgive them, we can see them fully enough to lose the need to punish them for their failures. When we forgive them, we appreciate their goodness so much that we can have the necessary yet difficult conversations without bitterness.
— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 134