Resentment vs. Compassion

Compassion, Core Value, Relationships 0

Most human beings subjected to the amplification, magnification, and oversimplification of resentment or anger get resentful, contentious, or sulky in return, just like you do.  Resentment and anger also cause you to focus only on your own perspective, to the exclusion of everyone else’s….

On the other hand, compassion not only keeps you from avoiding and attacking, it also motivates behavior to improve, appreciate, connect, or protect, all of which are likely to make things better….  Compassion is power.

— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 167-169

The Purpose of Emotional Pain

Compassion, Core Value, Healing 0

Emotional pain moves you to do something that will make you feel more alive, not numb.  The primary purpose of emotional pain is to make us take action to increase the value of our lives.  The purpose of guilt, shame, and anxiety is to get you to be more loving and protective.  They hurt us until we act with love and compassion.

— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 163

Compassion

Compassion, Love 0

When we are compassionate, we become more realistic in our expectations, less demanding, and more flexible.  We are less likely to inflict wounds, hurt feelings, and indulge in recriminations….  When we make the compassionate choice, we enhance the dignity of each individual, which is the very essence of loving them.

— Leo Buscaglia, Born for Love, p. 176

A More Compelling Right

Compassion, Core Value, Forgiveness, Healing 0

You have an absolute right to be resentful and angry, but exercising that right will only keep the thorns in your heart.  You have a more compelling right to heal the wounds you’ve suffered.  You can heal with compassion for yourself, with sympathy for your own hurt, and with the motivation to heal and improve.  Emotional healing is replacing your core hurts to your core value, so that you can realize your fullest potential as the loving, compassionate, competent, creative person you are meant to be.

— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 121

Conviction, not Anger

Compassion, Core Value, Inspiration 0

Conviction is for something, like justice and fair treatment, while anger and resentment are against something, like injustice or unfair treatment.  Those who hate injustice want retribution and triumph, not fairness; they fantasize about punishment of their unjust opponents, who must submit to humiliation.  The fantasies of those who love justice are of equality, harmony, and triumphant good.

Being for something generates energy and creates positive feelings and relationships, while being against something depletes energy, creates negative feelings, and usually has deleterious effects on relationships — if you’re resentful about something at work, you won’t be as sweet to your kids when you get home.

— Steven Stosny You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 117

Choosing to Heal

Compassion, Core Value, Healing 0

If you choose to heal — and it is certainly your choice — you make the choice out of compassion for yourself, with awareness that your emotional health and well-being are more important than anyone else’s resentment, anger, or abuse.

— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore,  p. 106

The Golden Rule of Self-Esteem

Compassion, Core Value, Forgiveness, Healing, Relationships 0

The road to psychological ruin begins with blame.

The road to psychological power begins with responsibility.

You cannot blame and find good solutions at the same time.  You must choose between blame and making things better.

Blame is always about the past.  Solutions must occur in the present and the future.

Blame focuses attention on damage, injury, defects, weakness — on what is wrong.  Blame makes you feel like a powerless victim.

Responsibility focuses attention on strengths, resiliency, competence, growth, creativity, healing, and compassion, all of which are necessary for solving family problems.

— Steven Stosny, Manual of the Core Value Workshop, p. 44