Our choice in recovery is not whether to use affirmations. We’ve been affirming thoughts and beliefs since we were old enough to speak. The choice in recovery is what we want to affirm.
— Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go, p. 358
People who indulge in verbal abuse want to keep real people out of their pretend world. They want to turn real people into pretend people. They feel they have succeeded if they can get the real person to try to explain him- or herself. If the real person tries to explain and argue against what the abuser is saying, the real person is acting as if the abuser’s world is the real world, instead of a pretend one. It is a “win” for the abuser because he or she has gotten someone to take his or her pretend world seriously.
It is better to say, “Nonsense!” to verbal abuse (since it is nonsense) than to try to deal with the abuser in a logical way. In other words, explaining why something said to you is wrong doesn’t keep the verbal abuser from abusing you. When people indulge in verbal abuse, they are not being logical. They are being irrational. Verbal abuse is all pretend talk….
Thinking about it, we know that no one lives inside another person, so no one knows our inner world. But when someone tells us who we are or how we feel, or anything else about our inner world, our identity, how we do what we do, or how successful we’ll be, most of us feel as if we want to set them straight, correct them, or give them an explanation. In other words, we want to talk to them as if they were in the real world with us. But they are in a pretend world.
— Patricia Evans, Teen Torment: Overcoming Verbal Abuse at Home and at School, p. 21-23
Realizing that verbal abuse is not rational, it becomes clear that the man indulging in it can’t hear a rational response from his partner. But it is difficult for the partner not to respond with a rational explanation. For instance, she may say she didn’t deserve to be yelled at, or she didn’t do what she is being accused of, even when she knows that rational explanations just won’t work. It takes enormous conscious effort for the partner not to explain herself to her mate. It usually seems to her that he is rational and will apologize and not do it again.
Women often talk about how hard it is to remember that there is no point in their ever responding rationally to verbal abuse, even when they know that verbal abuse is a lie. However, it is important for you to keep in mind that since the verbal abuse is a lie, it is incomprehensible. You must decide to see it as so untrue, so unimaginable, so unreal, that you simply say, “What?” or “What did you say?” or “What are you doing?” This may gently prod him toward hearing himself if he starts defining you in any way.
— Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Man, p. 108
Verbal abuse defines people in some negative way, and it creates emotional pain and mental anguish when it occurs in a relationship. . . .Â
Any statement that tells you what, who, or how you are, or what you think, feel, or want, is defining you and is, therefore, abusive. Such statements suggest an invasion of your very being, as if to say, “I’ve looked within you and now I’ll tell you what you want, feel, etc.” Similarly, threats are verbally abusive because, like torture, they attempt to limit your freedom to choose and thus to define yourself. Of course, if you have defined yourself to someone, “I’m Suzy’s Mom,” and that person says, “That’s Suzy’s Mom,” they are affirming or validating what you have said. On the other hand, verbal abuse is a lie told to you or told to others about you. If you believe the lie, it would lead you to think that you are not who you are or that you are less than you are. . . .
Another common way the abuser defines his partner is by walking away when she is asking a question, or mentioning something, or even in the middle of a conversation. By withholding a response, he defines her as nonexistent. . . .
Defining statements are the opposite of affirmations, which are positive statements that confirm what we know and value about ourselves. For example, when a man says, “I hear you. I understand,” even if he does not agree with you, he validates or confirms what you have expressed to him. If, however, he says, “You’re too sensitive,” or “Where did you get a crazy idea like that,” he invalidates and defines you.
— Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change?, p. 5-6
There is no revenge as sweet as living a joyful life.
— Dr. Shirley P. Glass, PhD, NOT “Just Friends”
Blame is a way we lie to ourselves. It is not just a way of refusing to look at who we are or avoiding responsibility. It is also a defense against knowing our pain. To face that pain is to begin to mourn what was too overwhelming to be mourned before. To face it and not blame it on the person who happened to stir it up is certainly the road less taken.
— Robert Karen, PhD, The Forgiving Self, p. 36-37
When we upgrade, we are trading . . . Story for Story. We’re not trying to convince ourselves we can change the truth about ourselves by reciting endless affirmations. That hardly respects our intelligence and, furthermore, it doesn’t work. As long as we hold that something is the truth, it is unchangeable. As soon as we recognize it for what it is, however, a story, the story buffer line is open and we can help ourselves to a better one.
Regarding our Stories, the question is never “Is it true?” because it can’t be true; it’s just a Story. The question also isn’t “Is it the right Story?” because that implies there’s only one correct choice. The most helpful question is “Is this Story useful?” Given what I care about, what I want to contribute, and what matters to me, is the story I’m telling myself a useful one? Most of us constantly replay hundreds of inherited default Stories that trample our life energy and steal our peace of mind.
— Victoria Castle, The Trance of Scarcity:Â Stop Holding Your Breath and Start Living Your Life, p. 35-36
It’s okay to be gentle with ourselves when we’re going through change and grief. Yes, we want to maintain the disciplines of recovery. But we can be compassionate with ourselves. We do not have to expect more from ourselves than we can deliver during this time. We do not even have to expect as much from ourselves as we would normally and reasonably expect.
We may need more rest, more sleep, more comfort. We may be more needy and have less to give. It is okay to accept ourselves, and our changed needs, during times of grief, stress, and change.
It is okay to allow ourselves to cocoon during times of transformation. We can surrender to the process, and trust that a new, exciting energy is being created within us.
Before long, we will take wings and fly.
— Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go, p. 298-299
There isn’t anything that happens that can’t teach us something, that can’t be turned into something positive. One can’t undo what’s been done, but one can use it creatively…. The only thing is to accept, and let the scar heal. Scar tissue is the strongest tissue in the body…. So, I shouldn’t be surprised if it’s the strongest part of the soul.
— Madeleine L’Engle, A House Like a Lotus, quoted by Carole F. Chase in Glimpses of Grace, p. 271
That’s the heartening news for those of us on a spiritual path. We don’t have to do what we always did! We don’t have to think the way we always thought. We don’t have to expect what we always expected.
— Karen Casey, Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow, p. 19-20