Verbal Abuse Defined

Core Value, Healing, Relationships, Truth 0

Verbal abuse defines people in some negative way, and it creates emotional pain and mental anguish when it occurs in a relationship. . . . 

Any statement that tells you what, who, or how you are, or what you think, feel, or want, is defining you and is, therefore, abusive.  Such statements suggest an invasion of your very being, as if to say, “I’ve looked within you and now I’ll tell you what you want, feel, etc.”  Similarly, threats are verbally abusive because, like torture, they attempt to limit your freedom to choose and thus to define yourself.  Of course, if you have defined yourself to someone, “I’m Suzy’s Mom,” and that person says, “That’s Suzy’s Mom,” they are affirming or validating what you have said.  On the other hand, verbal abuse is a lie told to you or told to others about you.  If you believe the lie, it would lead you to think that you are not who you are or that you are less than you are. . . .

Another common way the abuser defines his partner is by walking away when she is asking a question, or mentioning something, or even in the middle of a conversation.  By withholding a response, he defines her as nonexistent. . . .

Defining statements are the opposite of affirmations, which are positive statements that confirm what we know and value about ourselves.  For example, when a man says, “I hear you.  I understand,” even if he does not agree with you, he validates or confirms what you have expressed to him.  If, however, he says, “You’re too sensitive,” or “Where did you get a crazy idea like that,” he invalidates and defines you.

— Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change?, p. 5-6

Blame

Forgiveness, Healing 0

Blame is a way we lie to ourselves.  It is not just a way of refusing to look at who we are or avoiding responsibility.  It is also a defense against knowing our pain.  To face that pain is to begin to mourn what was too overwhelming to be mourned before.  To face it and not blame it on the person who happened to stir it up is certainly the road less taken.

— Robert Karen, PhD, The Forgiving Self, p. 36-37

Upgrading Your Stories

Healing, Life, Story, Truth 0

When we upgrade, we are trading . . . Story for Story.  We’re not trying to convince ourselves we can change the truth about ourselves by reciting endless affirmations.  That hardly respects our intelligence and, furthermore, it doesn’t work.  As long as we hold that something is the truth, it is unchangeable.  As soon as we recognize it for what it is, however, a story, the story buffer line is open and we can help ourselves to a better one.

Regarding our Stories, the question is never “Is it true?” because it can’t be true; it’s just a Story.  The question also isn’t “Is it the right Story?” because that implies there’s only one correct choice.  The most helpful question is “Is this Story useful?”  Given what I care about, what I want to contribute, and what matters to me, is the story I’m telling myself a useful one?  Most of us constantly replay hundreds of inherited default Stories that trample our life energy and steal our peace of mind.

— Victoria Castle, The Trance of Scarcity:  Stop Holding Your Breath and Start Living Your Life, p. 35-36

Times of Change

Healing, Trials 0

It’s okay to be gentle with ourselves when we’re going through change and grief.  Yes, we want to maintain the disciplines of recovery.  But we can be compassionate with ourselves.  We do not have to expect more from ourselves than we can deliver during this time.  We do not even have to expect as much from ourselves as we would normally and reasonably expect.

We may need more rest, more sleep, more comfort.  We may be more needy and have less to give.  It is okay to accept ourselves, and our changed needs, during times of grief, stress, and change.

It is okay to allow ourselves to cocoon during times of transformation.  We can surrender to the process, and trust that a new, exciting energy is being created within us.

Before long, we will take wings and fly.

— Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go, p. 298-299

Scar Tissue

Healing, Letting Go, Trials 0

There isn’t anything that happens that can’t teach us something, that can’t be turned into something positive.  One can’t undo what’s been done, but one can use it creatively….  The only thing is to accept, and let the scar heal.  Scar tissue is the strongest tissue in the body….  So, I shouldn’t be surprised if it’s the strongest part of the soul.

— Madeleine L’Engle, A House Like a Lotus, quoted by Carole F. Chase in Glimpses of Grace, p. 271

New Choices

Healing, Letting Go, Life 0

That’s the heartening news for those of us on a spiritual path.  We don’t have to do what we always did!  We don’t have to think the way we always thought.  We don’t have to expect what we always expected.

— Karen Casey, Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow, p. 19-20

Desire as Tyrant

God, Healing, Letting Go 0

When the deepest desire we feel within our hearts is for something other than God, a spirit of entitlement develops.  We see ourselves as needing something we don’t have and we believe we should have.  Justice is on our side.  So we think.  Prayer becomes demand when desire becomes our tyrant.

Soon we’re caught in the addictive cycle.  Whatever brings satisfaction relieves pain for the moment, then creates deeper emptiness that, in turn, more rudely clamors for relief.  We lose our power to choose.  The will becomes a slave to whatever god makes us feel better.  We die as persons while Satan chuckles.

— Larry Crabb, Shattered Dreams, p. 86

Give Yourself a Break

Forgiveness, Healing, Love, Marriage, Relationships 0

It is important to be gentle with and accepting of yourself throughout your relationship.  You are just as flawed, misguided, and hurtful as your lover, and you both need a good dose of TLC.  While the idea of self-forgiveness might be a “duh” to many of you, the point still needs to be made.  Self-forgiveness enables you to move on with kindness after grieving your flaws and the ways you have hurt your lover.  When you forgive yourself, you look for your good qualities, appreciate the love you offer, and accept with humility the harm you cause.  You also change your story to reflect your positive intention and your effort to do the best you can with what you have to work with.

Self-forgiveness is not that different from forgiving your partner. . . .

Nobody is perfect, and everybody will make many mistakes.  Some of us make mistakes that cause harm, and others make mistakes that only cause a mess.  Because you and your partner are human beings, you will make mistakes, fail occasionally, and sometimes even harm other people.  Your need to be perfect is an unenforceable rule, one that can never be met.  Needing to never hurt your lover is an unenforceable rule.  Demanding that you always be successful in all aspects of your relationship is an unenforceable rule.  When you accept that you are human, you are able to offer forgiveness to yourself and remember that you have the resources at your disposal to improve yourself and help others.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 209-210, 215