Grieving

Forgiveness, Healing, Marriage 0

There will come a time in your relationship when your lover hurts you and you have to grieve the wound.  Perhaps your spouse has an affair, or you may simply be hurt by a fundamental difference in beliefs or habits.  Experiencing such pain does not mean there is anything wrong with you or the relationship. . .  A period of pain and anger will follow as you deal with the loss.  This period is commonly called “grieving,” and it’s an important part of the process of forgiveness.

It is normal to experience emotional distress when our world is shaken.  It is also human nature to grieve losses and to suffer when we are mistreated. . . .

Every time you disagree with or are hurt by your lover, you must acknowledge the pain you are dealing with.  Most of the time the pain will last only for a moment, and then you can remember why you love your partner, come up with a benign explanation, and get over it.  In those situations, the grief response will be very quick.  Your gut will suddenly feel tight, or there will be a swear word on your lips. . . .

Not all difficulties, hoever, are ones that we can move through without an active and extended time of grieving.  The period of grief begins when we fully embrace the reality that there is a painful experience in our relationship that we do not want and we cannot change.  We accept our inability to make a change, and this acceptance allows us to then feel the sadness, anger, and fear that come with loss.

An ability to grieve appropriately is a necessary part of a successful marriage, but many couples do not realize this.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 173-174

More Is on the Way

Healing, Letting Go, Life, Love 0

Surrender to the pain.  Then learn to surrender to the good.  It’s there and more is on the way.  Love God.  Love Family.  Love what you do.  Love people, and learn to let them love you.  And always keep on loving yourself.

No matter how good it gets, the best is yet to come.

— Melody Beattie, Beyond Codependency:  And Getting Better All the Time, p. 245

Healing Tears

Healing 0

There was no point in telling somebody not to cry, she had always thought; indeed there were times when you should do exactly the opposite, when you should urge people to cry, to start the healing that sometimes only tears can bring.

— Alexander McCall Smith, The Good Husband of Zebra Drive, p. 211

Believe in Recovery

Healing, Life 0

Some days, we may do particularly well.  We may assertively refuse someone’s invitation to be codependent.  We may deal well with a particular conflict or feeling.  We may have a few moments of intimacy or closeness.  We may buy ourselves something special, then not wreck it by telling ourselves we don’t deserve it.

Some days, we may have to look more closely to notice what we did.  Maybe we took time out to rest when we were tired.  We said The Serenity Prayer during a trying moment.  Things got crazy and we detached when we noticed ourselves getting hooked in.

On our worst days, we still look for something we’ve done toward recovery.  Sometimes the best we can do is feel good about what we did not do.  We pat ourselves on the back because we didn’t run to the nearest bar, drag home an alcoholic, and fall in love with him or her.  For some of us, that’s real progress and not to be overlooked on the gray days.

All the days count.  Believe in recovery.  Our lives and experiences can be different and better.  The process of getting better is happening right now, this moment, in our lives.

— Melody Beattie, Beyond Codependency, p. 236-237

The Gratitude Channel

Forgiveness, Gratitude, Healing, Life 0

I often ask people to pay attention to natural beauty instead of watching reruns of their old grudges….  The world is full of things to appreciate and find beautiful once you teach yourself to look.  The forgiveness and gratitude channels remind us that even though we have been hurt, we do not have to dwell on the hurt.  The one thing no one can take from us is what we pay attention to and focus on.  We may have a habit of watching the grievance channel or the bitterness channel, but we still control the remote.  The good news is that, with practice, any habit can be broken or changed.  The world is full of heroes who have overcome difficulty by tuning in to channels of courage or bravery.  Each of us can become a hero in our own life, to the benefit of our friends and family.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 142

A Gift, However Temporary

Forgiveness, Gratitude, Healing, Love, Marriage 0

Your ability to forgive grows stronger when you accept the gifts of love your partner offers.  At the very least this means accepting that your relationship will not last forever.  This also means that you should glorify any and all experiences you have of love.  One way to do this is to understand that love is a precious gift and to be grateful for the fact that you were given it, even if it did not last.  One of the tragedies I see in my work is people discounting past love because it did not last.  They are unable to take joy in the love they shared because that love ended.  I have had numerous people tell me that their marriage of twenty years was a sham because after fifteen years their partner had an affair.  Their pain was understandable, but it minimized the fact that the love in their lives was majestic and a blessing no matter how long it lasted.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 135

Recognizing Your Hurt

Forgiveness, Healing, Trials 0

“I’m fine,” I said.  “It hasn’t affected me.  I’m going on with the call on my life.”

But my answer was nothing more than pride.  I was extremely hurt but denied it, even to myself.  I would spend hours trying to figure out how all this could happen to me.  I was in shock, numb, and amazed.  But I suppressed these thoughts and put on a strong front when in reality I was weak and deeply injured….

“God, please help me get out of this hurt and offense,” I pleaded.  “It is too much for me to handle.”

This was exactly where the Lord wanted me — at the end of myself.  Too often we try to do things in the strength of our souls.  This does not cause us to grow spiritually.  Instead, we become more susceptible to falling.

The first step to healing and freedom is to recognize you are hurt.  Often pride does not want us to admit we are hurt and offended.  Once I admitted my true condition, I sought the Lord and was open to His correction.

— John Bevere, The Bait of Satan, p. 146-147

Love Rests on Choice

Forgiveness, Gratitude, Healing, Love, Marriage, Relationships 0

Real love can emerge only when there is choice.  If Sam is obliged to treat Carly exactly as she demands to be treated, then what is there for Sam to do but follow instructions?  If Carly gets to make all the decisions, then Sam is not really a full partner.  It is only real choice that allows romantic love to flourish.  Jack can tell Jill he will love her for the rest of his life, but he still has to wake up every day and do so.  If she hovers over him and rates his love for her by the hour, it will quickly be extinguished.  Jack will get tired of the judgments and the pressure to perform.  We cannot be forced to love.  As much as choice is a responsibility, it also provides the freedom to love and care and forgive.  The risks we take when we choose to love one particular person and the resulting uncertainty are the ground upon which true love emerges.

How remarkable is it that your lover continues to spend time with you, listen to you, and try to make your relationship work of his or her own free will?  How wonderful is it that you lover continues to have sex with you and to parent your children?  Your lover’s devotion and willingness to plug away day after day when there are sleeker and newer models to meet is a blessing.  We need to let our lovers know how amazing they are and how grateful we are.  We need to make offering gratitude a priority in our lives and in our marriages….

When you feel grateful for your lover, you are able to feel forgiving toward him or her.  Forgiveness is a positive emotion that can actually restore some of the damage done to your body by anger and stress.  When you are focused on your problems and grievances, your body is under stress.  Your stress chemicals are active, and you feel tired and beaten down.  You blame the offender for your distress and feel disempowered.  Feeling grateful and forgiving can wash away the stress and relax your body and mind.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 132-133

Challenging Unenforceable Rules

Forgiveness, Healing, Letting Go, Love, Marriage 0

Once you’ve identified your unenforceable rule, you need to figure out how to hold on to the enforceable desire and get rid of the unenforceable demand.  Hoping that things will go the way you want and working hard to get your wishes gratified is a good approach to your relationship.  At the same time, remind yourself that you cannot control your lover’s behavior, and it is foolish to demand things that your lover isn’t willing to give.  Try substituting the words “hope” or “wish” for “must” or “have to” in your unenforceable expectation or demand.  This will help you to avoid driving yourself crazy and retain the energy to maximize the relationship you have….

Challenging your unenforceable rules lets you take responsibility for your feelings and helps you take your partner’s quirks less personally.  You become aware that much of what you took personally about your partner’s behavior was only rules you could not enforce.  You remember that you love your partner, not the things you are demanding from him or her.  Once you do this, you can see that your thinking played a significant role in the anger and hurt that you felt.  As you challenge your rules, you will see that clearer thinking leads to more peaceful coexistence in your marriage and day-to-day life….

Notice that when you wish or hope that things will be a certain way, you think more clearly and are more peaceful than when you demand that they be a certain way.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 121-123

The Feeding of the Five Thousand

God, Healing, Letting Go, Trust 0

Another important part of the miracle is Jesus’ concern for the fragments, because he is always concerned about the broken things, the broken people.  Only when we realize that we are indeed broken, that we are not independent, that we cannot do it ourselves, can we turn to God and take that which he has given to us, no matter what it is, and create with it.

— Madeleine L’Engle, The Rock That Is Higher, quoted in Glimpses of Grace, compiled by Carole F. Chase, p. 63