Boundaries Decrease Anger.

Healing, Relationships 0

As you develop better boundaries, you have less need for anger.  This is because in many cases, anger was the only boundary you had.  Once you have your no intact, you no longer need the “rage signal.”  You can see evil coming your way and prevent it from harming you by your boundaries.

Don’t fear the rage you discover when you first begin your boundary development.  It is the protest of earlier parts of your soul.  Those parts need to be unveiled, understood, and loved by God and people.  And then you need to take responsibility for healing them and developing better boundaries.

This brings us to an important point about anger:  The more biblical our boundaries are, the less anger we experience!  Individuals with mature boundaries are the least angry people in the world.  While those who are just beginning boundary work see their anger increase, this passes as boundaries grow and develop.

Why is this?  Remember the “early warning system” function of anger.  We feel it when we are violated.  If you can prevent boundary violation in the first place, you don’t need the anger.  You are more in control of your life and values.

— Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend, Boundaries, p. 114-115

Happiness After Loss

Healing, Joy 0

Happy women know that no one gets to be happy all the time.

There’s no getting around it.  If you love, you will lose.  But that doesn’t mean being sentenced to a life of unhappiness.  Be patient, take the time you need, and allow the grief to help you discover new independence and a fresh outlook on things.

There is tremendous wisdom that is accumulated after loss.  Healing takes place when we can turn our pain into something meaningful. . . .  Take time to do things that will bring renewed meaning to your life.

— Dan Baker, PhD, and Cathy Greenberg, PhD, What Happy Women Know, p. 173

Choose To Be Happy.

Healing, Joy, Letting Go, Relationships 0

When a relationship is over, it stings, and it’s frightening because you don’t know what lies ahead.  The good news is that what happens from there on is up to you.  If you want to be happy, let go of the belief that you are nothing without him and take on the attitude that you are and can be what you choose to be without him.  In fact, let’s just leave him out of the sentence altogether.  Now it reads:  You are and can be what you choose to be.  So choose to be independent.  Choose to be strong.  Choose to be happy.

— Dan Baker, PhD, and Cathy Greenberg, PhD, What Happy Women Know, p. 127

Grieving

Forgiveness, Healing, Marriage 0

There will come a time in your relationship when your lover hurts you and you have to grieve the wound.  Perhaps your spouse has an affair, or you may simply be hurt by a fundamental difference in beliefs or habits.  Experiencing such pain does not mean there is anything wrong with you or the relationship. . .  A period of pain and anger will follow as you deal with the loss.  This period is commonly called “grieving,” and it’s an important part of the process of forgiveness.

It is normal to experience emotional distress when our world is shaken.  It is also human nature to grieve losses and to suffer when we are mistreated. . . .

Every time you disagree with or are hurt by your lover, you must acknowledge the pain you are dealing with.  Most of the time the pain will last only for a moment, and then you can remember why you love your partner, come up with a benign explanation, and get over it.  In those situations, the grief response will be very quick.  Your gut will suddenly feel tight, or there will be a swear word on your lips. . . .

Not all difficulties, hoever, are ones that we can move through without an active and extended time of grieving.  The period of grief begins when we fully embrace the reality that there is a painful experience in our relationship that we do not want and we cannot change.  We accept our inability to make a change, and this acceptance allows us to then feel the sadness, anger, and fear that come with loss.

An ability to grieve appropriately is a necessary part of a successful marriage, but many couples do not realize this.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 173-174

More Is on the Way

Healing, Letting Go, Life, Love 0

Surrender to the pain.  Then learn to surrender to the good.  It’s there and more is on the way.  Love God.  Love Family.  Love what you do.  Love people, and learn to let them love you.  And always keep on loving yourself.

No matter how good it gets, the best is yet to come.

— Melody Beattie, Beyond Codependency:  And Getting Better All the Time, p. 245

Healing Tears

Healing 0

There was no point in telling somebody not to cry, she had always thought; indeed there were times when you should do exactly the opposite, when you should urge people to cry, to start the healing that sometimes only tears can bring.

— Alexander McCall Smith, The Good Husband of Zebra Drive, p. 211

Believe in Recovery

Healing, Life 0

Some days, we may do particularly well.  We may assertively refuse someone’s invitation to be codependent.  We may deal well with a particular conflict or feeling.  We may have a few moments of intimacy or closeness.  We may buy ourselves something special, then not wreck it by telling ourselves we don’t deserve it.

Some days, we may have to look more closely to notice what we did.  Maybe we took time out to rest when we were tired.  We said The Serenity Prayer during a trying moment.  Things got crazy and we detached when we noticed ourselves getting hooked in.

On our worst days, we still look for something we’ve done toward recovery.  Sometimes the best we can do is feel good about what we did not do.  We pat ourselves on the back because we didn’t run to the nearest bar, drag home an alcoholic, and fall in love with him or her.  For some of us, that’s real progress and not to be overlooked on the gray days.

All the days count.  Believe in recovery.  Our lives and experiences can be different and better.  The process of getting better is happening right now, this moment, in our lives.

— Melody Beattie, Beyond Codependency, p. 236-237

The Gratitude Channel

Forgiveness, Gratitude, Healing, Life 0

I often ask people to pay attention to natural beauty instead of watching reruns of their old grudges….  The world is full of things to appreciate and find beautiful once you teach yourself to look.  The forgiveness and gratitude channels remind us that even though we have been hurt, we do not have to dwell on the hurt.  The one thing no one can take from us is what we pay attention to and focus on.  We may have a habit of watching the grievance channel or the bitterness channel, but we still control the remote.  The good news is that, with practice, any habit can be broken or changed.  The world is full of heroes who have overcome difficulty by tuning in to channels of courage or bravery.  Each of us can become a hero in our own life, to the benefit of our friends and family.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 142

A Gift, However Temporary

Forgiveness, Gratitude, Healing, Love, Marriage 0

Your ability to forgive grows stronger when you accept the gifts of love your partner offers.  At the very least this means accepting that your relationship will not last forever.  This also means that you should glorify any and all experiences you have of love.  One way to do this is to understand that love is a precious gift and to be grateful for the fact that you were given it, even if it did not last.  One of the tragedies I see in my work is people discounting past love because it did not last.  They are unable to take joy in the love they shared because that love ended.  I have had numerous people tell me that their marriage of twenty years was a sham because after fifteen years their partner had an affair.  Their pain was understandable, but it minimized the fact that the love in their lives was majestic and a blessing no matter how long it lasted.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 135

Recognizing Your Hurt

Forgiveness, Healing, Trials 0

“I’m fine,” I said.  “It hasn’t affected me.  I’m going on with the call on my life.”

But my answer was nothing more than pride.  I was extremely hurt but denied it, even to myself.  I would spend hours trying to figure out how all this could happen to me.  I was in shock, numb, and amazed.  But I suppressed these thoughts and put on a strong front when in reality I was weak and deeply injured….

“God, please help me get out of this hurt and offense,” I pleaded.  “It is too much for me to handle.”

This was exactly where the Lord wanted me — at the end of myself.  Too often we try to do things in the strength of our souls.  This does not cause us to grow spiritually.  Instead, we become more susceptible to falling.

The first step to healing and freedom is to recognize you are hurt.  Often pride does not want us to admit we are hurt and offended.  Once I admitted my true condition, I sought the Lord and was open to His correction.

— John Bevere, The Bait of Satan, p. 146-147