Emerging Differences

Marriage, Relationships, Truth 0

At some point in a marriage, differences erupt.  It was pleasant to dwell in the fiction that nothing could blight the serenity you shared.  You could smirk at couples who argued, certain that you would never find yourselves at loggerheads.  But no more.  Troublesome topics that had been relegated to the background now clamor for attention.  Once one or both of you begin to divulge what’s important to you, you’ll land yourselves smack in the midst of some pretty rough strife.

Why go there?  Because it’s necessary.  Because after the intense togetherness of the Honeymoon Stage, there’s a need to assert separate desires.  Because, if you don’t, you’ll get drawn back into the dark side and feel smothered.  Because the realities of who your partner is and how you function together are hitting you in the face.  Because the old deceptions you had relied on for equilibrium don’t work any more.

And also because you’re intrigued by what you’re finding out about your partner.  You intuitively feel that your partner has something to teach you.  When you struggle through serious disagreement, you may understand and appreciate each other more deeply….

When you can deal with differences that arise, you will bring both tolerance and dynamism to your marriage.  If you suppress them, however, you’re setting yourself up for trouble….

The process of reckoning with differences is essential to the vitality of a relationship.  Couples need to know that they can work through conflict; otherwise, they’ll always live in fear of it.  Partners need to know that they can speak their minds; otherwise, they’ll bottle up everything, and wind up angry and estranged.  You must be able to own up to the lies that you’ve told yourself and each other.  If not, those lies will dominate the relationship.

— Ellyn Bader and Peter T. Pearson, Tell Me No Lies, p. 102-104

Friendship in Marriage

Forgiveness, Love, Marriage, Relationships 0

Another important reason to deepen your friendship with your lover is that you are more likely to be kind and loving toward someone you consider a friend.  Friendship is an invitation to be kind and generous to both ourselves and our partners.  When your lover is your friend, you understand that he or she was not put on earth just to make you happy.  Your lover has as much right as you do to have personal habits and quirks.  When we are truly friends with our partners, we show them goodwill and do not just expect to have goodwill shown to us.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 154

Separate People

Forgiveness, Love, Marriage, Relationships 0

It is incredibly important, and critical to any thriving marriage, that spouses see each other as separate persons with unique goals and desires.  This is not easy to do.  In the first thrall of love, people tend to look for and find their similarities with each other and to ignore obvious differences.  It’s normal to see the ways a new partner thinks like us and to focus on the things that bind us together…. 

After a while a new couple realizes that for all their similarities they are still different in significant ways.  For many couples, this is a problematic stage, and it requires a good deal of forgiveness.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 151-152

Growth

Forgiveness, Marriage, Relationships 0

Acknowledge that you’re going to disappoint your partner sometime; no one can fulfill all of another person’s fantasies.  This may be uncomfortable, but it actually suggests that the relationship is growing, not dying.  The purpose of marriage isn’t to live out your partner’s goals.

— Ellyn Bader, PhD, and Peter T. Pearson, PhD, Tell Me No Lies, p. 95

Discontent Fuels Growth.

Life, Love, Marriage, Relationships 0

Discontent is what fuels growth — in marriage, in oneself, and in institutions.  It’s what propels you to come up with creative solutions and to seek novelty and change.  Merely accepting this represents a huge step in keeping a marriage alive and frees you to move onward, out of the dark side.

— Ellyn Bader and Peter T. Pearson, Tell Me No Lies:  How to Stop Lying to Your Partner — And Yourself — In the 4 Stages of Marriage, p. 81

Remembering the Good

Forgiveness, Love, Relationships 0

We continue to hold our grudges when we do not keep our lovers’ goodness front and center.  When we forgive our partners, we see more than just the harm they may have done.  Not that they are blameless or perfect.  But when we forgive them, we can see them fully enough to lose the need to punish them for their failures.  When we forgive them, we appreciate their goodness so much that we can have the necessary yet difficult conversations without bitterness.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 134

Love Rests on Choice

Forgiveness, Gratitude, Healing, Love, Marriage, Relationships 0

Real love can emerge only when there is choice.  If Sam is obliged to treat Carly exactly as she demands to be treated, then what is there for Sam to do but follow instructions?  If Carly gets to make all the decisions, then Sam is not really a full partner.  It is only real choice that allows romantic love to flourish.  Jack can tell Jill he will love her for the rest of his life, but he still has to wake up every day and do so.  If she hovers over him and rates his love for her by the hour, it will quickly be extinguished.  Jack will get tired of the judgments and the pressure to perform.  We cannot be forced to love.  As much as choice is a responsibility, it also provides the freedom to love and care and forgive.  The risks we take when we choose to love one particular person and the resulting uncertainty are the ground upon which true love emerges.

How remarkable is it that your lover continues to spend time with you, listen to you, and try to make your relationship work of his or her own free will?  How wonderful is it that you lover continues to have sex with you and to parent your children?  Your lover’s devotion and willingness to plug away day after day when there are sleeker and newer models to meet is a blessing.  We need to let our lovers know how amazing they are and how grateful we are.  We need to make offering gratitude a priority in our lives and in our marriages….

When you feel grateful for your lover, you are able to feel forgiving toward him or her.  Forgiveness is a positive emotion that can actually restore some of the damage done to your body by anger and stress.  When you are focused on your problems and grievances, your body is under stress.  Your stress chemicals are active, and you feel tired and beaten down.  You blame the offender for your distress and feel disempowered.  Feeling grateful and forgiving can wash away the stress and relax your body and mind.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 132-133

Recognize That Everyone Is Flawed . . . Including You

Forgiveness, Marriage, Relationships 0

The next step in this process is to honor without resentment the flawed nature of the human being with whom you share your life.  By definition, you are with someone who has significant limitations.  Unfortunately, you did not get in the line where they were offering saints, angels, personal saviors, or slaves.  You got in the line for a regular person, warts and all.  Learning to accept your partner’s limitations with tenderness is the next step of forgiveness and the opening to a true love.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive For Love, p. 99

Letting Go of Control

Letting Go, Love, Relationships 0

To be intimate or close, we have to let go, for the moment, of our need to control.  Controlling and caretaking prevent intimacy and closeness.  They are substitutes for, and barricades to, closeness.  We can’t be close if we’re trying to control or caretake.  Controlling and caretaking are ways to connect with people.  They’re not as satisfying as closeness and intimacy, but for some of us, those are the only ways we learned how to connect with others.

— Melody Beattie, Beyond Codependency, p. 185