Feeling Worthy of Love by Loving
What we lose as resentment builds in love relationships is a cornerstone of the sense of self: feeling worthy of love. In the beginning, love relationships make us feel lovable.…
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10 Posts
Creating Value
Although we have an innate drive to create value, we have to make choices of who and what to value. A sunset has value if, and only if, you give…
High Value Investment
The experience of value gives a heightened sense of vitality — you feel more alive looking at a beautiful sunset, connecting to a loved one, knowing genuine compassion for another…
The Message of Pain
When clients are referred to me because they’ve gotten stuck in the thorny aftermath of intimate betrayal, they are invariably preoccupied with why their partners did it to them —…
Overcoming with Deeper Values
The Adult brain is able to overcome intimate relationship dynamics by illuminating and adjusting for blind spots in our own behavior and using our partners’ reactions to us as rear-…
Spreading Good
I value you — a thought to yourself but directed at others — is one of the most powerful statements you can make. In the long run, your contribution to…
Positive Function of Pain
Emotional pain serves the same positive function as its physical counterpart. Feeling disregarded, guilty, devalued, or unlovable prompts you to raise self-regard, compensate for any bad behavior, increase your competence,…
The Valued Self
Criticism fails in love relationships because it embodies two of the things that most human beings hate the most: It feels like rejection and demands submission. In short, it threatens…
Saving the World
You can save the world in a very simple way. Value everyone you see, connect your most humane values to theirs, and then let the principles of modeling, mimicry, emotional…
Desires vs. Entitlements
Desires feature more positive motivation than entitlements. If what you desire is based on your deeper values, the act of desiring makes you a better person. For example, the desire…