When There Are Not Two Sides

There are not two sides.  Abuse is not a conflict.  It is not a fight. . . .

When a child is molested or abused, there are not two sides.  Similarly, when an adult is verbally abused and threatened, there are not two sides.  One person is not attacking and the other counterattacking.  On the contrary, one is trying to understand and not upset the other, whose behavior is directed toward maintaining control and dominance with overt or covert attacks.

— Patricia Evans, Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out, p. 98

Unconditional Gratitude

There may be a desire to keep another locked in a web of blame and guilt.  Unconditional gratitude given in these situations may at first feel as if we are letting people who we dislike “off the hook.”  I can assure you from my own experience that it is ourselves we are letting off the hook.  Gratitude, like its sister, forgiveness, frees the giver first of all.  Gratitude brings freedom to our self-imposed prison of hatred and revenge.  Perceived past wrongs are our prison bars.  Unconditional gratitude melts these bars away.  Hatred not only locks us in a tiny cell of self-pity, it keeps out those who are seeking to bring love into our life.  (Hatred includes everything from rage to a seemingly innocent desire to avoid someone.)  Our past, released with gratitude, frees our present to be as it could be.

Finally, the most marvelous gift that unconditional gratitude gives us is clarity and vision.  Giving unconditional gratitude, I begin to see that everything is here to bless me.  I really cannot explain how this happens.  It just does.  It makes no sense in terms of our worldly thought processes.  Only the actual act, in which you give gratitude unconditionally, brings the fantastic results of seeing clearly.  As I keep extending my gratitude to everyone in my past and my present, I start to see that all that surrounds me is actually in harmony.  I begin to see that what I judged as harmful and unfair was really a misinterpretation, a faulty judgment based on my perception, which is very limited in its scope.

— Lee Coit, in Gratitude: A Way of Life, by Louise L. Hay and Friends, p. 40-42

Not Ever Hopeless

Most couples believe there is a point when the situation becomes hopeless.  But I am here to tell you it’s not true.  Jesus promised that seeking reconciliation will bear fruit, so there is great hope that a marriage can be restored to a place beyond what a couple could even imagine.

— Cheryl & Jeff Scruggs, I Do Again, p. 164

Anxiety Doesn’t Help.

Anxiety is often our first reaction to conflict, problems, or even our own fears.  In those moments, detaching and getting peaceful may seem disloyal or apathetic.  We think: If I really care, I’ll worry; if this is really important to me, I must stay upset.  We convince ourselves that outcomes will be positively affected by the amount of time we spend worrying.

Our best problem-solving resource is peace.  Solutions arise easily and naturally out of a peaceful state.  Often, fear and anxiety block solutions.  Anxiety gives power to the problem, not the solution.  It does not help to harbor turmoil.  It does not help.

— Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go, p. 65

Directed Energy

Living in confident expectation means using your energy most efficiently; it’s the way to live life by design rather than by default.  Direct your energy!  Remember, it doesn’t matter how much you want something.  Wanting is self-perpetuating — if that’s where your energy is focused, you’ll just get more wanting.

— Victoria Castle, The Trance of Scarcity, p. 121