Secret Boundaries

The Law of Exposure says that your boundaries need to be made visible to others and communicated to them in relationship.  We have many boundary problems because of relational fears.  We are beset by fears of guilt, not being liked, loss of love, loss of connection, loss of approval, receiving anger, being known, and so on.  These are all failures in love, and God’s plan is that we learn how to love….

Because of these fears, we try to have secret boundaries.  We withdraw passively and quietly, instead of communicating an honest no to someone we love.  We secretly resent instead of telling someone that we are angry about how they have hurt us.  Often, we will privately endure the pain of someone’s irresponsibility instead of telling them how their behavior affects us and other loved ones, information that would be helpful to their soul….

An important thing to remember about boundaries is that they exist, and they will affect us, whether or not we communicate them….  If our boundaries are not communicated and exposed directly, they will be communicated indirectly or through manipulation.

— Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend, Boundaries, p. 100-101

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