Forgiveness and Feelings

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But forgiveness can’t be proven by our feelings, any more than it can be motivated or empowered by them.  Forgiveness is a choice.  And feelings often aren’t.  It’s quite possible to forgive someone in totally the right way — God’s way — and still have thoughts flash across your mind that completely contradict the decision you made….

But that doesn’t negate what you’ve done.  It simply gives you an opportunity to let Him rule over those emotions, to stay the course and keep on forgiving — by faith.

— Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Choosing Forgiveness, p. 171-172

Why Not Forgive?

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This doesn’t mean that what’s been done to you isn’t terrible  But there is simply no comfort in unforgiveness.  It soothes nothing.  It takes you nowhere.  Why go on letting it eat you alive when God’s strength is so near at hand, so ready to bring you relief?

— Nancy DeMoss, Choosing Forgiveness, p. 170

Forgiveness Is About the Present

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Forgiveness is more about our present life than about our past….  In my own situation, I had realized that the heart of what I was feeling was an inability to find love and happiness in my current life.  I blamed the person who hurt me in the past for my unhappiness, but in fact I was upset at the condition of my life in the present.  I saw that if I wanted to get better, I would have to focus more on the present and future than on the past.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 34

God Doesn’t Dwell on our Errors.

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When Jesus spoke to Paul on the road to Damascus, Paul had just helped murder Stephen and possibly many other Christians.  But Jesus merely said to Paul that the way he had chosen was difficult, and to follow him instead.  Jesus didn’t discuss Paul’s mistakes.  Nor did the father of the prodigal son discuss his boy’s “sins against heaven.”  God doesn’t dwell on our errors.  Do we know better than God what to think about?  All any mistake requires is correction.

— Hugh Prather, Spiritual Notes to Myself, p. 138

Forgiveness is Good for your Body.

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Research shows that learning to forgive or being a forgiving person helps you feel better physically.  The reasons are simple.  It is very stressful to be constantly at war with certain parts of your life.  Telling yourself again and again that you got a raw deal because your husband does not love you the way you want to be loved is hard on your heart and nervous system.  Blaming someone who does not care about you enough for the way your life turned out is incredibly stressful.  Dwelling on the ex who didn’t love you and has since moved on puts a strain on your nervous system and does not slow your ex down at all.  Finally, it is stressful and ultimately self-defeating to complain about things you can’t change in your spouse.  If your wife is messy and has always been messy, constantly expressing your displeasure about it will not do your muscles or arteries any good.  Nor will it make you or her feel better or get along any better.

The reality is that resentment and stress can further damage your relationship as well as your nervous system, while forgiveness can reduce the harm caused by these negative feelings.  By forgiving, we are able to let go of our resentment and reduce the stress it places on our body.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Good, p. 31-32

Even If Not

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He knows your heart, dear one.  He has not left you alone.  And by trusting in His sovereign wisdom, goodness, and love, you, too, may one day see the sweet restoration of everything you’ve prayed for.

But even if not, you will have found a refuge in His will and in His care — a blessed place that is reached only by those who trust His heart — and keep trusting it even when the darkness closes in around them.

— Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Choosing Forgiveness, p. 165

Choose Forgiveness

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So choose it!  Do it!  Don’t wait to feel like it or to figure out how it will all work out.  Ultimately, forgiveness is not an emotion.  It is an act of your will — an act of faith.  Don’t harbor that bitterness for even one more day.

— Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Choosing Forgiveness, p. 142

New Depths

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When we choose to forgive others, even when they are not broken themselves, God pours out freedom, grace, peace, joy, love — and even forgiveness itself into our hearts.  It takes your breath away when you experience it yourself.  It takes you to depths with God that you never could have reached except through this mysterious path.

— testimonial quoted in Choosing Forgiveness, by Nancy Leigh DeMoss, p. 141

Your Own Choice

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But though that person’s hardness will affect his well-being and his relationships until he faces and deals with his sin, though it may keep him in bondage, no one can force you to be bound as a prisoner in your own heart — not as long as you take the bold step to forgive.  That is a choice you can and must make, regardless of where the other person is in their journey.

— Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Choosing Forgiveness, p. 134

What Forgiveness Is Not

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Forgiveness does not mean that we will cease to hurt.  The wounds are deep, and we may hurt for a very long time.  Just because we continue to experience emotional pain does not mean that we have failed to forgive.

Forgiveness does not mean that we will forget….  No, we remember, but in forgiving we no longer use the memory against others.

Forgiveness is not pretending that the offense did not really matter.  It did matter, and it does matter, and there is no use pretending otherwise.  The offense is real, but when we forgive, the offense no longer controls our behavior.

Forgiveness is not acting as if things are just the same as before the offense.  We must face the fact that things will never be the same.  By the grace of God they can be a thousand times better, but they will never again be the same.

What then is forgiveness?  It is a miracle of grace whereby the offense no longer separates….  Forgiveness means that the power of love that holds us together is greater than the power of the offense that separates us.  That is forgiveness.  In forgiveness we are releasing our offenders so that they are no longer bound to us.  In a very real sense we are freeing them to receive God’s grace.  We are also inviting our offenders back into the circle of fellowship.

— Richard J. Foster, Prayer, p. 187-188