Don’t attempt to justify whatever hurt you did, for that will serve to keep open your wounds. Don’t say, “I only hurt you because you hurt me.” Healing requires acceptance of the fact that You don’t have to hurt back, indeed that hurting back only hurts you more.
— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 248
Feeling badly about making a mistake is natural, but punishing yourself forever is never appropriate.
I urge you to fully examine your beliefs about mistakes and forgiveness. Most people cannot answer this simple question: “How much penance is appropriate to expunge your mistake?” I have seen countless people who are continually punishing themselves in an infinite variety of ways because of a perceived transgression in the past. Holding yourself to a so-called higher standard (others could be forgiven for this, but not me) does not make you a better person. It only makes you a more miserable person….
It is a choice if you focus on the worst parts of you, rather than the good. If you are having difficulty, then focus on helping someone in need, rather than wasting your time and effort on chastising yourself. Do something positive. Choose to ask for help — from God, your spiritual advisor, or your friends. Be honest and admit that you are in charge of how you treat yourself, and start treating yourself the way you would a friend.
— Christel Nani, Sacred Choices, p. 230-232
To err is human, to forgive is a choice.
The third reason people have difficulty changing a tribal belief is one of the saddest but most firmly held beliefs I have encountered:Â Mistakes, transgressions, or sins are not forgivable.…
The worst part about this tribal belief is that because you think you can never be forgiven, you sever your relationship with God or your Higher Power and cut yourself off from receiving divine guidance and recognizing synchronicity at work in your life.
— Christel Nani, Sacred Choices, p. 228
However we perceive the past, whether in a positive or a negative light, concentrating on it makes us unhappier in the present. The past is past.
Through deliberate present-minded focus we can breathe in new life, new positive energy, letting go of the way things were in the past. When we grow more mindful, we open our hearts to forgiveness and choose not to get bogged down in placing blame or getting even with others. When we let go of the past, we gain in wisdom. We feel lighter and brighter, inspired by what we’ve learned, ready to move on.
— Alexandra Stoddard, Choosing Happiness:Â Keys to a Joyful Life, p. 14
When I am flexible and forgiving, I am happy.
When I am rigid and righteous, I am unhappy. It’s that simple.
— Hugh Prather, Spiritual Notes to Myself, p. 32
Love means the ability to identify with imperfection and to recognize the inadequacies, weaknesses, fears and confusion in ourselves and others. Loving what is unlovable in them is always a challenge. It’s so much easier to dismiss people for their failings than it is to stick by them. I wonder why it is that we are more prone to finding fatal flaws than looking for redeeming qualities?
— Leo Buscaglia, Born for Love, p. 217
We are the children of God, every one of us, and nearly nineteen hundred years ago He gave us the greatest of all the gifts He has, greater even than life. He gave us hope: a way back from every mistake we have made, no matter how small or how large, how ugly or how incredibly stupid, or how shameful. There is no corner of hell secret enough or deep enough for there to be no path back, if we are willing to climb up. It may be hard, and steep, but there is a light ahead, and freedom.
— Dominic Corde, in A Christmas Secret, by Anne Perry
Learn to recognize the difference between shame and guilt. Guilt is believing that what we did isn’t okay. Authentic guilt is valuable. It’s a signal that we’ve violated our own, or a universal, moral code. It keeps us honest, healthy, and on track. Shame is worthless. Shame is the belief that whether what we did is okay or not, who we are isn’t. Guilt is resolvable. We make amends for what we did, learn from our mistake, and attempt to correct our behavior. Shame isn’t resolvable. It leaves us with a sense that all we can do is apologize for our existence, and even that falls short of what’s needed….
If we feel ashamed because we’ve done something we feel guilty about, we convert shame to guilt, then make any appropriate amends and change our behavior. If we decide shame is trying to enforce an unhealthy, inappropriate message on us, we change the message. If we feel ashamed about something we cannot or need not change, we surrender to the situation and give ourselves a big hug.
— Melody Beattie, Beyond Codependency, p. 107-110
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Forgiveness is the decision to out endure the ego. Therefore, don’t try to forgive for all time; just forgive in the moment. Two minutes from now the grievance may come back. Simply forgive again in the moment. If you keep surrounding someone in the light, soon your ego — which hates light — will stop handing you the grudge.
— Hugh Prather, Spiritual Notes to Myself, p. 21
Judgment sticks labels on people. Forgiveness peels them off. God doesn’t label; God sees.
— Hugh Prather, Spiritual Notes to Myself, p. 19