Learn to recognize the difference between shame and guilt. Guilt is believing that what we did isn’t okay. Authentic guilt is valuable. It’s a signal that we’ve violated our own, or a universal, moral code. It keeps us honest, healthy, and on track. Shame is worthless. Shame is the belief that whether what we did is okay or not, who we are isn’t. Guilt is resolvable. We make amends for what we did, learn from our mistake, and attempt to correct our behavior. Shame isn’t resolvable. It leaves us with a sense that all we can do is apologize for our existence, and even that falls short of what’s needed….
If we feel ashamed because we’ve done something we feel guilty about, we convert shame to guilt, then make any appropriate amends and change our behavior. If we decide shame is trying to enforce an unhealthy, inappropriate message on us, we change the message. If we feel ashamed about something we cannot or need not change, we surrender to the situation and give ourselves a big hug.
— Melody Beattie, Beyond Codependency, p. 107-110