Stay Curious

Marriage, Relationships 0

The key here is going slowly and staying curious.  Again and again, we have seen couples turn things around simply by asking a lot of questions in the spirit of inquiry, rather than by jumping in to explain themselves.

The rule to remember is this:  Understanding comes before explaining.  Most people reverse this and try their hardest to get their partner to see things their way.  It’s truly uncanny how it shifts when you can really hear your partner, when you can say “tell me more” and mean it.  This, of course, is difficult when what your mate is telling you is hard to hear.  But when you can hold on to it, this approach creates absolutely the right atmosphere for intimate disclosure.

— Ellyn Bader, PhD, and Peter T. Pearson, PhD, Tell Me No Lies, p. 121

Happiness Is Simple.

Joy, Marriage 0

Happiness is that simple.  Once you discover what the Lord wants you to do, and you start doing it, you will achieve happiness….

If God has told you to stand for marriage restoration, you will not be happy doing anything else.

— Robert E. Steinkamp, The Prodigal’s Pen, p. 59, 61

God’s Choice

God, Gratitude, Joy, Life, Marriage, Trust 0

For the Christian who has embraced God’s sovereignty, the choice is God’s; and the result, whatever that choice may be, is rejoicing.  In Him is our joy and peace.  If He gives marriage, then in marriage we rejoice.  If He gives singleness, we rejoice in singleness.  In whatever state we are, we know contentment.

— Margaret Clarkson, So You’re Single, p. 117

Emerging Differences

Marriage, Relationships, Truth 0

At some point in a marriage, differences erupt.  It was pleasant to dwell in the fiction that nothing could blight the serenity you shared.  You could smirk at couples who argued, certain that you would never find yourselves at loggerheads.  But no more.  Troublesome topics that had been relegated to the background now clamor for attention.  Once one or both of you begin to divulge what’s important to you, you’ll land yourselves smack in the midst of some pretty rough strife.

Why go there?  Because it’s necessary.  Because after the intense togetherness of the Honeymoon Stage, there’s a need to assert separate desires.  Because, if you don’t, you’ll get drawn back into the dark side and feel smothered.  Because the realities of who your partner is and how you function together are hitting you in the face.  Because the old deceptions you had relied on for equilibrium don’t work any more.

And also because you’re intrigued by what you’re finding out about your partner.  You intuitively feel that your partner has something to teach you.  When you struggle through serious disagreement, you may understand and appreciate each other more deeply….

When you can deal with differences that arise, you will bring both tolerance and dynamism to your marriage.  If you suppress them, however, you’re setting yourself up for trouble….

The process of reckoning with differences is essential to the vitality of a relationship.  Couples need to know that they can work through conflict; otherwise, they’ll always live in fear of it.  Partners need to know that they can speak their minds; otherwise, they’ll bottle up everything, and wind up angry and estranged.  You must be able to own up to the lies that you’ve told yourself and each other.  If not, those lies will dominate the relationship.

— Ellyn Bader and Peter T. Pearson, Tell Me No Lies, p. 102-104

Friendship in Marriage

Forgiveness, Love, Marriage, Relationships 0

Another important reason to deepen your friendship with your lover is that you are more likely to be kind and loving toward someone you consider a friend.  Friendship is an invitation to be kind and generous to both ourselves and our partners.  When your lover is your friend, you understand that he or she was not put on earth just to make you happy.  Your lover has as much right as you do to have personal habits and quirks.  When we are truly friends with our partners, we show them goodwill and do not just expect to have goodwill shown to us.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 154

Standing

Marriage 0

What is your assignment from God?  To stand with Him, praying for the one you love to be released from the enemy’s control, coming back to the Lord, and coming back to you.  “It is too hard,” someone will say.  What is too hard?  Praying for and being faithful to the one you promised to love?

Do you realize that every word in the marriage vows… can be carried out while you stand?  They are the promises of one spouse to another, without the demand of anything in return.  For your prodigal spouse, away in the far country for a season, may you always say, “With God as my witness, I take you as my covenant spouse, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death.  This is my solemn vow.”…

How many times a day do you think of your absent mate?  How often does something happen that will instantly remind you of the one you love?  Rest assured that you are coming to your prodigal’s thoughts just as often.  When you were married you became one flesh, a relationship that simply cannot be dissolved at will.  Your absent mate may wish you would drop from their memory, but God will never allow that to happen.

— Robert E. Steinkamp, The Prodigal’s Pen, p. 15-16

Separate People

Forgiveness, Love, Marriage, Relationships 0

It is incredibly important, and critical to any thriving marriage, that spouses see each other as separate persons with unique goals and desires.  This is not easy to do.  In the first thrall of love, people tend to look for and find their similarities with each other and to ignore obvious differences.  It’s normal to see the ways a new partner thinks like us and to focus on the things that bind us together…. 

After a while a new couple realizes that for all their similarities they are still different in significant ways.  For many couples, this is a problematic stage, and it requires a good deal of forgiveness.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 151-152

Growth

Forgiveness, Marriage, Relationships 0

Acknowledge that you’re going to disappoint your partner sometime; no one can fulfill all of another person’s fantasies.  This may be uncomfortable, but it actually suggests that the relationship is growing, not dying.  The purpose of marriage isn’t to live out your partner’s goals.

— Ellyn Bader, PhD, and Peter T. Pearson, PhD, Tell Me No Lies, p. 95