In the Love yourself step, recognize the core value of the person who offended you. He/she is far more complicated, complex, and humane than whatever he or she did to you. Appreciating the complexity of other people reinforces your own value….
Feel compassion, not for the behavior, but for the hurt.
— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 206
The heart expands not by taking more in, but by giving more away.
We can be generous people because we have been given generous gifts.
We’re greedy because we think there’s a limited supply.
There is an unlimited supply of the things our hearts really long for.
Live with expanding hearts.
— Pastor Ed Allen, December 2, 2007
We learned an important lesson in our decade-long friendships. We learned that we had been fooled. We had convinced ourselves that if we could manage our schedules, break through the glass ceiling, spend quality time with our families, bring home the bacon (and fry it up in a pan) while bouncing children on our hips and creating warm and loving relationships with our husbands, in-laws, and colleagues, somehow, some way, we would be rewarded with the problem-free lives that had, up until then, eluded us. We were wrong….
We learned that the problem-free life we sought was more than an illusion. It had become a myth to which too many women had fallen victim. A woman’s life is much more than success, having it all, or the elusive balance we all seek. It is more than seeking perfection or conquering the world (although you might). It is more than gritting your teeth and making it through. It is about surviving and thriving.
For us, surviving and thriving meant reinventing, rebuilding, and realizing that success was never final and failure was never fatal. It meant putting our best foot forward (Nike for some, Nine West for others) no matter what, and walking. Walking forward looking like a pillar of success on the outside while that tiny voice inside reminded us that our teenagers were out of control, our job could end tomorrow, and our spouses, colleagues, and bosses had been untruthful, selfish, unfaithful, or just plain stupid.
Surviving and thriving meant taking what life offered up and looking for the opportunities, the joy, and the compassion in less-than-pleasant or less-than-perfect circumstances.
–Deborah Collins Stephens, Jackie Speier, Michealene Cristini Risley, and Jan Yanehiro, This Is Not the Life I Ordered, p. 18-19
I will work hard to heal my hurt. This means understanding my own deepest emotions and those of all my loved ones. I will not hurt their feelings or try to control them, even if they hurt mine or try to control me.
— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 186
No matter how bad you feel, if you do one of these — improve, appreciate, protect or connect — you will feel better.
— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 184
It’s hard to feel compassion for someone while that person is using or victimizing us. We’ll probably feel angry. First, we stop allowing ourselves to be used. Then, we work toward compassion. Anger can motivate us to set boundaries, but we don’t need to stay resentful to keep taking care of ourselves.
— Melody Beattie, Beyond Codependency, p. 70-71
Approach everyone you meet as an individual with dignity and a life as complicated and mysterious as your own. Discard preceonceptions and suspend, even for a moment, the idea that you “know this type.”
Do these things and perhaps you might learn the most important lesson that love can teach us: that each person is worthy of our love simply because they are human, one of God’s unique creations, and begin from there.
— Leo Buscaglia, Born for Love, p. 179
Most human beings subjected to the amplification, magnification, and oversimplification of resentment or anger get resentful, contentious, or sulky in return, just like you do. Resentment and anger also cause you to focus only on your own perspective, to the exclusion of everyone else’s….
On the other hand, compassion not only keeps you from avoiding and attacking, it also motivates behavior to improve, appreciate, connect, or protect, all of which are likely to make things better…. Compassion is power.
— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 167-169
Emotional pain moves you to do something that will make you feel more alive, not numb. The primary purpose of emotional pain is to make us take action to increase the value of our lives. The purpose of guilt, shame, and anxiety is to get you to be more loving and protective. They hurt us until we act with love and compassion.
— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 163
When we are compassionate, we become more realistic in our expectations, less demanding, and more flexible. We are less likely to inflict wounds, hurt feelings, and indulge in recriminations…. When we make the compassionate choice, we enhance the dignity of each individual, which is the very essence of loving them.
— Leo Buscaglia, Born for Love, p. 176