I will work hard to heal my hurt. This means understanding my own deepest emotions and those of all my loved ones. I will not hurt their feelings or try to control them, even if they hurt mine or try to control me.
— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 186
No matter how bad you feel, if you do one of these — improve, appreciate, protect or connect — you will feel better.
— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 184
It’s hard to feel compassion for someone while that person is using or victimizing us. We’ll probably feel angry. First, we stop allowing ourselves to be used. Then, we work toward compassion. Anger can motivate us to set boundaries, but we don’t need to stay resentful to keep taking care of ourselves.
— Melody Beattie, Beyond Codependency, p. 70-71
Approach everyone you meet as an individual with dignity and a life as complicated and mysterious as your own. Discard preceonceptions and suspend, even for a moment, the idea that you “know this type.”
Do these things and perhaps you might learn the most important lesson that love can teach us: that each person is worthy of our love simply because they are human, one of God’s unique creations, and begin from there.
— Leo Buscaglia, Born for Love, p. 179
Most human beings subjected to the amplification, magnification, and oversimplification of resentment or anger get resentful, contentious, or sulky in return, just like you do. Resentment and anger also cause you to focus only on your own perspective, to the exclusion of everyone else’s….
On the other hand, compassion not only keeps you from avoiding and attacking, it also motivates behavior to improve, appreciate, connect, or protect, all of which are likely to make things better…. Compassion is power.
— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 167-169
Emotional pain moves you to do something that will make you feel more alive, not numb. The primary purpose of emotional pain is to make us take action to increase the value of our lives. The purpose of guilt, shame, and anxiety is to get you to be more loving and protective. They hurt us until we act with love and compassion.
— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 163
When we are compassionate, we become more realistic in our expectations, less demanding, and more flexible. We are less likely to inflict wounds, hurt feelings, and indulge in recriminations…. When we make the compassionate choice, we enhance the dignity of each individual, which is the very essence of loving them.
— Leo Buscaglia, Born for Love, p. 176
Real personal power comes from focusing on what you can control, from acting in your best interests. You feel empowered when you control how you behave, in accordance with your deepest values.
— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 152
You cannot diminish or hurt the parent of your children without diminishing and hurting your children.
— Steven Stosny, Manual of the Core Value Workshop, p. 48
You have an absolute right to be resentful and angry, but exercising that right will only keep the thorns in your heart. You have a more compelling right to heal the wounds you’ve suffered. You can heal with compassion for yourself, with sympathy for your own hurt, and with the motivation to heal and improve. Emotional healing is replacing your core hurts to your core value, so that you can realize your fullest potential as the loving, compassionate, competent, creative person you are meant to be.
— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 121