“Codependents cannot change until we accept our codependent characteristics — our powerlessness over people, alcoholism, and other circumstances we have so desperately tried to control. Acceptance is the ultimate paradox: we cannot change who we are until we accept ourselves the way we are.”
— Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, p. 121
“Who we are right now is okay. In fact, codependents are some of the most loving, generous, good-hearted, and concerned people I know. We’ve just allowed ourselves to be tricked into doing things that hurt us, and we’re going to learn how to stop doing these things. But those tricks are our problems; they are not us. If we have one character defect that is abhorrent, it is the way we hate and pick on ourselves. That is simply not tolerable nor acceptable any longer. We can stop picking on ourselves for picking on ourselves. This habit is not our fault either, but it is our responsibility to learn to stop doing it.
“We can cherish ourselves and live our lives. We can nurture ourselves and love ourselves. We can accept our wonderful selves, with all our faults, foibles, strong points, weak points, feelings, thoughts, and everything else. It’s the best thing we’ve got going for us. It’s who we are, and who we were meant to be. And it’s not a mistake. We are the greatest thing that will ever happen to us. Believe it. It makes life much easier.”
— Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, p. 112-113
“Trying to keep ourselves from experiencing a particular emotion in the first place is an even bigger mistake than trying to fight it once we are aware of it. When we attempt to preempt it, we risk hiding the emotion rather than letting it go. Unseen, the thought behind the feeling continues to operate, but with far more power than before.
“If a destructive emotion were just a set of physical sensations, then perhaps we could will ourselves to ignore it, like we sometimes will ourselves to ignore a backache or ‘fight’ a cold. But an emotion is the symptom of a thought, and attempting to block the emotion is ignoring the thought that’s causing the feeling….
“We must expose the thought that is producing the emotion, and we must expose what we’re doing to empower and retain that thought.
“If we can clearly see that we don’t believe the thought behind a particular emotion, we have the option of replacing it with a more natural, restful, and self-affirming mental activity. If we want to end the vicious cycle of using our minds to torture ourselves, uncovering the thought behind our first wave of emotion is fundamental.”
— Hugh Prather, The Little Book of Letting Go, p. 60-61
“Because emotions are by-products of thinking, we sabotage our careers, health, happiness and relationships through unconscious thinking, not unconscious feeling. This is why learning to recognize a polluting thought the instant it shows itself is crucial.”
— Hugh Prather, The Little Book of Letting Go, p. 55
“I believe God has exciting, interesting things in store for each of us. I believe there is an enjoyable, worthwhile purpose — besides taking care of people and being an appendage to someone — for each of us. I believe we tap into this attitude by taking care of ourselves. We begin to cooperate. We open ourselves up to the goodness and richness available in us and to us….
“Ultimately, we may even discover this astounding truth: Few situations in life are ever improved by not taking care of ourselves and not giving ourselves what we need. In fact, we may learn most situations are improved when we take care of ourselves and tend our needs.”
— Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, p. 104, 107
“The surest way to make ourselves crazy is to get involved in other people’s business, and the quickest way to become sane and happy is to tend to our own affairs.”
— Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, p. 103
“First love; then do what you do. First choose peace; then say what you say. Asking, ‘What should I do?’ ‘What should I say?’ really means, ‘How do I get the outcome I want?’ ‘How do I control this person?’ Seldom are we confused if we make peace and mental wholeness our goal.”
— Hugh Prather, The Little Book of Letting Go, p. 50-51
“Declining to make control our aim does not mean that we perform the tasks and duties before us sloppily or halfheartedly. If our purpose is awareness, all things must be done attentively. If our purpose is wholeness, all things must be done meticulously. If our purpose is to love, all things must be done with care and beauty.”
— Hugh Prather, The Little Book of Letting Go, p. 48
“Sometimes we rescue because it’s easier than dealing with the discomfort and awkwardness of facing other people’s unsolved problems. We haven’t learned to say, ‘It’s too bad you’re having that problem. What do you need from me?’ We’ve learned to say, ‘Here. Let me do that for you.'”
— Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, p. 84-85.
“Rescuing and caretaking mean what they sound like. We rescue people from their responsibilities. We take care of people’s responsibilities for them. Later we get mad at them for what we’ve done. Then we feel used and sorry for ourselves. That is the pattern, the triangle….
“Caretaking doesn’t help; it causes problems. When we take care of people and do things we don’t want to do, we ignore personal needs, wants, and feelings. We put ourselves aside. Sometimes, we get so busy taking care of people that we put our entire lives on hold. Many caretakers are harried and overcommitted; they enjoy none of their activities. Caretakers look so responsible, but we aren’t. We don’t assume responsibility for our highest responsibility — ourselves.”
— Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, p. 78 & 83