Letting a friend or family member experience the consequences of his or her actions is not an easy decision to make. But it’s the right decision. If we try to lighten their consequences or assume them ourselves, we are interfering with the growth our companion is scheduled to experience. If we could only think of it in that way, we’d be better able to let go. We are scheduled for certain experiences as we journey along this path, every one of us.
— Karen Casey, Let Go Now, p. 80
Each of us has a different story. Not everyone needs to leave her partner. We don’t want to abandon people who need help. Your answer might not be to get out — only you know what’s right in your situation. And my purpose isn’t to demonize people who are abusive. They’re wounded and hurting in their own way. But please hear this: until someone is healthy enough to treat you with civility, dignity, and respect, that person isn’t healthy enough to be in your life.
— Christi Paul, Love Isn’t Supposed to Hurt, p. 255
Here is the point: wanting someone doesn’t mean you are crazy for having the desire, nor that the time is necessarily right to reconnect with the person. It is simply a sign that you are alive inside and that the boundary has given you breathing room to feel your human need for connection. Pay attention to it, be glad you are alive, and use good judgment and good people to help you decide what to do with it.
— Dr. John Townsend, Beyond Boundaries, p. 49
People often think holding on is what makes you strong, but sometimes it’s letting go. I was committed to releasing all that haunted me from this relationship. I wanted to learn from it, yes, but I was no longer willing to be chained to the memories that made me feel inadequate, insecure, and fearful.
— Christi Paul, Love Isn’t Supposed to Hurt, p. 159
We’re not responsible for how someone responds to our forgiveness. We’re only responsible for what we can control — ourselves.
Once I recognized this, I noticed how my bitterness slipped away.
— Christi Paul, Love Isn’t Supposed to Hurt, p. 135
I realized then that when you forgive someone, you unchain yourself from the anger that’s clinging to you. Suddenly your world is wide open.
— Christi Paul, Love Isn’t Supposed to Hurt, p. 132
If his partner confronts his verbal battering, if she recognizes it for what it is, if she asks for change and he refuses, if his attitude is, as one abuser put it, “I can say anything I want!” the partner may realize that he can say anything he wants, however, she may also realize that there is nothing heroic about staying around to hear it.
— Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, p. 34
One thing I have learned over time is that if we cling to our feelings of anger, or worse, if we fan the flames of hatred, we are the ones who suffer. The person with whom we are angry may be affected for a moment or two, but no matter how much we rant and rave they go on with their lives. We are left with the fire burning inside. We lose sleep. We can’t even enjoy a book, a movie, or a hot fudge sundae. As the Buddha said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
— Allan Lokos, Patience, p. 27
Verbal abuse is always about the abuser, not about you. When verbal abuse is directed to you, or to someone in your sphere, you can find the right words and demeanor to respond by remembering that their words and behavior stem from deep within them. Their words and behavior are not a true reflection of anyone else’s worth, value, or true spirit. Knowing this, you are able to calmly address the perpetrator as though speaking to a destructive child.
— Patricia Evans, Victory Over Verbal Abuse, p. 162
Walking beside others is what we are here to do. That’s why others have gathered. But walking side by side is far different than pushing our specific direction on someone else. If our motive is to express joy about another’s journey, allowing her or him to have what fits for them, we are fulfilling God’s will for us. If, instead, we are directing traffic, we have usurped God’s role in their lives, and it’s time to back off.
— Karen Casey, Let Go Now, p. 77