You don’t have to forgive because they deserve it. Frankly, they don’t. But just as Jesus chose to forgive us even before we’d repented, the choice to forgive opens the way for the most meaningful growth we can experience in life. If you think you can’t possibly forgive, do it instead to set yourself free from that pain. Do it in hopes that trust will one day return. But do it soon, and accept that it’s simply a part of living life.
— Cheryl & Jeff Scruggs, I Do Again, p. 177
Accountability may not sound like a lot of fun, but trust us, its opposite is a lot less fun.
— Rick Foster & Greg Hicks, Choosing Brilliant Health, p. 51
I think the main thing is, if there is any confusion or doubt as to what you should do, to err on the side of trusting that God can do the impossible….
God can do immeasurably more than you could ever ask or imagine. He can heal your heart, and he can resurrect your marriage, no matter what state it’s in.
As mere humans, we tend to limit God, especially in this extreme type of situation. But where there is room for repentance, there is also room for forgiveness and grace. If you can’t imagine such a miracle in your situation, choose to believe that God can and does. And in practicing that power you possess to believe God and take him at his word, you will find the strength to commit to acting on that belief. As we know from experience, reconciliation is a matter of trust, and it begins between you and God.
We didn’t have to remarry; biblically, the grounds for divorce were sound. But that doesn’t negate the truth that God created marriage to be the foundation of the family, and he created the family to be the foundation of society. The best thing we can do for ourselves, our children, and our society as a whole is to preserve marriages. If you choose to give up your right to your ego and your pain and walk the road of forgiveness and grace, you are glorifying God and living according to his purpose. You are giving an immense gift to yourself, your spouse, and your children. If you allow God to heal your heart and bolster you with his grace and love, choosing to walk the difficult path, you will never regret it.
— Cheryl & Jeff Scruggs, I Do Again, p. 174-176
Caring about people we love, feeling victimized when we’re betrayed, giving our all to people we love, or wanting to control people because we’re watching them destroy themselves and hurt us doesn’t mean we’re sick. These are natural reactions. Codependency is about normal behaviors taken too far. It’s about crossing lines.
— Melody Beattie, The New Codependency, p. 5
The need to blame (ourselves or others) runs so deeply at times that it can feel like a basic necessity. Part of the need arises as a defense against shame. As shame encroaches, fending it off requires that someone else be proved the villain. And it is not enough that we protest what they’re doing, that we have our say. We have to nail them to their crimes, make them confess, make them feel bad and promise to be better. Only then can we finally have the satisfaction of being free of the denunciation we direct at ourselves….
Knowing oneself is integral to growing up. But, to the extent that we live in a blaming system, we do not want to know the truth about who we are and, therefore, resist growing up. We don’t want to know our own murderousness, selfishness, greed, envy, because all of these very human feeling states have been made a source of so much guilt and shame that they lead at once to total condemnation and self-rejection. We can’t know them, and we can’t know how we came to them. As a result, we miss out on the experience of self-empathy and self-care, which might be the basis for doing something new, for beginning to emerge from these things we don’t like in ourselves but which hold us prisoner.
Some of what we do is bad and should be changed — the way we bully, deny, manipulate, shirk, indict…. But if we make every misdeed or character orientation into a capital crime, into evidence that our very being is worthless, we will not be able to let ourselves know the full complexity of who we are. If there can be no mercy, no leniency, no understanding, no forgiveness, no simple tolerance for the magnificent complexity of being human — if we face every flaw or disliked quality as evidence that our blackened souls require rejection and banishment — we will not be captured by our own awareness and motivated to change. The blaming system, therefore, puts a brake on a fundamental area of growth….
Blame is very absorbent. It soaks up sadness. It dries the tears. It provides an opportunity and a target for fury which is felt as preferable to experiencing pain or loss — whether the loss is a cat, a spouse, an aspect of physical health, a loved object, a piece of work, a good night’s sleep, an election, a colony, or a war. Blaming and vindictiveness are ways of not feeling one’s sorrow or shame and, by corollary, of not caring for oneself. Blame is the anti-mourn and, hence, the anti-self.
— Robert Karen, PhD, The Forgiving Self, p. 110-112
There are not two sides. Abuse is not a conflict. It is not a fight. . . .
When a child is molested or abused, there are not two sides. Similarly, when an adult is verbally abused and threatened, there are not two sides. One person is not attacking and the other counterattacking. On the contrary, one is trying to understand and not upset the other, whose behavior is directed toward maintaining control and dominance with overt or covert attacks.
— Patricia Evans, Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out, p. 98
Most couples believe there is a point when the situation becomes hopeless. But I am here to tell you it’s not true. Jesus promised that seeking reconciliation will bear fruit, so there is great hope that a marriage can be restored to a place beyond what a couple could even imagine.
— Cheryl & Jeff Scruggs, I Do Again, p. 164
Adopting the perspective of the Stargazer not only leads us toward our future best destinies but actually transmutes past unhappiness into treasure. This is because, in emotional terms, everything is made from its opposite. The raw material for joy is sorrow; the raw material for compassion is anger; the raw material for fearlessness is fear. This means that the very people who hurt you worst may turn out to have enriched you most. “Forgiveness” isn’t even an issue from the position of the Stargazer. Why would anyone bother to “forgive” someone who’d made them rich?
— Martha Beck, Steering by Starlight, p. 76
People say everything happens for a reason and God has a Plan for it all. I believe things do happen for a reason. And God does have a Plan. But if we don’t learn the lesson from the circumstance and let ourselves completely heal from it — whether it is in the past or today — the things that happen for a reason will just keep happening over and over again. And we’ll end up on a talk show talking about what keeps happening to us and wondering why.
— Melody Beattie, Playing It By Heart, p. 244-245
Sometimes, I forget things that I know. Sometimes I forget that letting go has more power than holding on, and then I forget to let go. Sometimes I get so focused on the other person and what they need and want that I forget how I feel, what’s important to me, and what I need and want too. Sometimes I forget that no matter what situation I find myself in, I do have powers available to me, even when I feel overpowered. I have the power to think, to feel, to pray for guidance, the power to let go, and take care of myself no matter what’s coming down on my head. And sometimes I forget that the temporary hit of power from drama addiction wanes in comparison to the real power we can connect to when we’re at peace with the world, and with ourselves.
— Melody Beattie, Playing It by Heart, p. 242-243