The best remedy for a bruised heart is not, as so many people seem to think, repose upon a manly bosom. Much more efficacious are honest work, physical activity, and the sudden acquisition of wealth.
— Dorothy L. Sayers, quoted by Kit Bakke, in Miss Alcott’s E-mail, p. 206
Have you ever met a person who had hatred, bitterness, and unforgiveness who didn’t feel justified?
— Michelle Borquez, Connie Wetzell, Rosalind Spinks-Seay, and Carla Sue Nelson, Live, Laugh, Love Again, p. 118
If God is found in our hard times, then all of life, no matter how apparently insignificant or difficult, can open us to God’s work among us. To be grateful does not mean repressing our remembered hurts. But as we come to God with our hurts — honestly, not superficially — something life changing can begin slowly to happen. We discover how God is the One who invites us to healing. We realize that any dance of celebration must weave both the sorrows and the blessings into a joyful step….
The mystery of the dance is that its movements are discovered in the mourning. To heal is to let the Holy Spirit call me to dance, to believe again, even amid my pain, that God will orchestrate and guide my life.
We tend, however, to divide our past into good things to remember with gratitude and painful things to accept or forget. This way of thinking, which at first glance seems quite natural, prevents us from allowing our whole past to be the source from which we live our future. It locks us into a self-involved focus on our gain or comfort. It becomes a way to categorize, and in a way, control. Such an outlook becomes another attempt to avoid facing our suffering. Once we accept this division, we develop a mentality in which we hope to collect more good memories than bad memories, more things to be glad about than things to be resentful about, more things to celebrate than to complain about.
Gratitude in its deepest sense means to live life as a gift to be received thankfully. And true gratitude embraces all of life: the good and the bad, the joyful and the painful, the holy and the not-so-holy. We do this because we become aware of God’s life, God’s presence in the middle of all that happens….
If mourning and dancing are part of the same movement of grace, we can be grateful for every moment we have lived. We can claim our unique journey as God’s way to mold our hearts to greater conformity to Christ. The cross, the primary symbol of our faith, invites us to see grace where there is pain; to see resurrection where there is death. The call to be grateful is a call to trust that every moment can be claimed as the way of the cross that leads to new life….
I am gradually learning that the call to gratitude asks us to say, “Everything is grace.” As long as we remain resentful about things we wish had not happened, about relationships that we wish had turned out differently, mistakes we wish we had not made, part of our heart remains isolated, unable to bear fruit in the new life ahead of us. It is a way we hold part of ourselves apart from God.
Henri Nouwen, Turn My Mourning Into Dancing: Finding Hope in Hard Times, p. 16-19
Our choice in recovery is not whether to use affirmations. We’ve been affirming thoughts and beliefs since we were old enough to speak. The choice in recovery is what we want to affirm.
— Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go, p. 358
People who indulge in verbal abuse want to keep real people out of their pretend world. They want to turn real people into pretend people. They feel they have succeeded if they can get the real person to try to explain him- or herself. If the real person tries to explain and argue against what the abuser is saying, the real person is acting as if the abuser’s world is the real world, instead of a pretend one. It is a “win” for the abuser because he or she has gotten someone to take his or her pretend world seriously.
It is better to say, “Nonsense!” to verbal abuse (since it is nonsense) than to try to deal with the abuser in a logical way. In other words, explaining why something said to you is wrong doesn’t keep the verbal abuser from abusing you. When people indulge in verbal abuse, they are not being logical. They are being irrational. Verbal abuse is all pretend talk….
Thinking about it, we know that no one lives inside another person, so no one knows our inner world. But when someone tells us who we are or how we feel, or anything else about our inner world, our identity, how we do what we do, or how successful we’ll be, most of us feel as if we want to set them straight, correct them, or give them an explanation. In other words, we want to talk to them as if they were in the real world with us. But they are in a pretend world.
— Patricia Evans, Teen Torment: Overcoming Verbal Abuse at Home and at School, p. 21-23
Realizing that verbal abuse is not rational, it becomes clear that the man indulging in it can’t hear a rational response from his partner. But it is difficult for the partner not to respond with a rational explanation. For instance, she may say she didn’t deserve to be yelled at, or she didn’t do what she is being accused of, even when she knows that rational explanations just won’t work. It takes enormous conscious effort for the partner not to explain herself to her mate. It usually seems to her that he is rational and will apologize and not do it again.
Women often talk about how hard it is to remember that there is no point in their ever responding rationally to verbal abuse, even when they know that verbal abuse is a lie. However, it is important for you to keep in mind that since the verbal abuse is a lie, it is incomprehensible. You must decide to see it as so untrue, so unimaginable, so unreal, that you simply say, “What?” or “What did you say?” or “What are you doing?” This may gently prod him toward hearing himself if he starts defining you in any way.
— Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Man, p. 108
Verbal abuse defines people in some negative way, and it creates emotional pain and mental anguish when it occurs in a relationship. . . .
Any statement that tells you what, who, or how you are, or what you think, feel, or want, is defining you and is, therefore, abusive. Such statements suggest an invasion of your very being, as if to say, “I’ve looked within you and now I’ll tell you what you want, feel, etc.” Similarly, threats are verbally abusive because, like torture, they attempt to limit your freedom to choose and thus to define yourself. Of course, if you have defined yourself to someone, “I’m Suzy’s Mom,” and that person says, “That’s Suzy’s Mom,” they are affirming or validating what you have said. On the other hand, verbal abuse is a lie told to you or told to others about you. If you believe the lie, it would lead you to think that you are not who you are or that you are less than you are. . . .
Another common way the abuser defines his partner is by walking away when she is asking a question, or mentioning something, or even in the middle of a conversation. By withholding a response, he defines her as nonexistent. . . .
Defining statements are the opposite of affirmations, which are positive statements that confirm what we know and value about ourselves. For example, when a man says, “I hear you. I understand,” even if he does not agree with you, he validates or confirms what you have expressed to him. If, however, he says, “You’re too sensitive,” or “Where did you get a crazy idea like that,” he invalidates and defines you.
— Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change?, p. 5-6
There is no revenge as sweet as living a joyful life.
— Dr. Shirley P. Glass, PhD, NOT “Just Friends”
Blame is a way we lie to ourselves. It is not just a way of refusing to look at who we are or avoiding responsibility. It is also a defense against knowing our pain. To face that pain is to begin to mourn what was too overwhelming to be mourned before. To face it and not blame it on the person who happened to stir it up is certainly the road less taken.
— Robert Karen, PhD, The Forgiving Self, p. 36-37
When we upgrade, we are trading . . . Story for Story. We’re not trying to convince ourselves we can change the truth about ourselves by reciting endless affirmations. That hardly respects our intelligence and, furthermore, it doesn’t work. As long as we hold that something is the truth, it is unchangeable. As soon as we recognize it for what it is, however, a story, the story buffer line is open and we can help ourselves to a better one.
Regarding our Stories, the question is never “Is it true?” because it can’t be true; it’s just a Story. The question also isn’t “Is it the right Story?” because that implies there’s only one correct choice. The most helpful question is “Is this Story useful?” Given what I care about, what I want to contribute, and what matters to me, is the story I’m telling myself a useful one? Most of us constantly replay hundreds of inherited default Stories that trample our life energy and steal our peace of mind.
— Victoria Castle, The Trance of Scarcity: Stop Holding Your Breath and Start Living Your Life, p. 35-36