Realizing that verbal abuse is not rational, it becomes clear that the man indulging in it can’t hear a rational response from his partner. But it is difficult for the partner not to respond with a rational explanation. For instance, she may say she didn’t deserve to be yelled at, or she didn’t do what she is being accused of, even when she knows that rational explanations just won’t work. It takes enormous conscious effort for the partner not to explain herself to her mate. It usually seems to her that he is rational and will apologize and not do it again.
Women often talk about how hard it is to remember that there is no point in their ever responding rationally to verbal abuse, even when they know that verbal abuse is a lie. However, it is important for you to keep in mind that since the verbal abuse is a lie, it is incomprehensible. You must decide to see it as so untrue, so unimaginable, so unreal, that you simply say, “What?” or “What did you say?” or “What are you doing?” This may gently prod him toward hearing himself if he starts defining you in any way.
— Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Man, p. 108