We can be assured of this: God, who knows all and sees all, will set all things straight in the end. Even better, he will dry every tear. In the meantime he mysteriously takes our sorrows and uses them to heal the world.
— Richard J. Foster, Prayer, p. 223
The good news is that as we connect to our positive intention, we begin to find forgiveness. Forgiveness is the compassion we experience as we remind ourselves that by driving a car — having a relationship — we run the risk of a breakdown. Forgiveness is the power we get as we assert that we have a deep well of resilience to draw upon. Forgiveness is the grace that helps us remember to look around while we’re on the side of the road and appreciate our beautiful surroundings and the people we love. To help forgiveness emerge, we can learn to see ourselves from the point of view of our positive intention, not primarily as a wounded or rejected lover.
— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 190
Although claiming my true identity as a child of God, I still live as though the God to whom I am returning demands an explanation. I still think about his love as conditional and about home as a place I am not yet fully sure of. While walking home, I keep entertaining doubts about whether I will be truly welcome when I get there. As I look at my spiritual journey, my long and fatiguing trip home, I see how full it is of guilt about the past and worries about the future. I realize my failures and know that I have lost the dignity of my sonship, but I am not yet able to fully believe that where my failings are great, “grace is always greater.” Still clinging to my sense of worthlessness, I project for myself a place far below that which belongs to the son. Belief in total, absolute forgiveness does not come readily. . . .
One of the greatest challenges of the spiritual life is to receive God’s forgiveness. There is something in us humans that keeps us clinging to our sins and prevents us from letting God erase our past and offer us a completely new beginning. Sometimes it even seems as though I want to prove to God that my darkness is too great to overcome. While God wants to restore me to the full dignity of sonship, I keep insisting that I will settle for being a hired servant. But do I truly want to be restored to the full responsibility of the son? Do I truly want to be so totally forgiven that a completely new way of living becomes possible? Do I trust myself and such a radical reclamation? Do I want to break away from my deep-rooted rebellion against God and surrender myself so absolutely to God’s love that a new person can emerge? Receiving forgiveness requires a total willingness to let God be God and do all the healing, restoring, and renewing. As long as I want to do even part of that myself, I end up with partial solutions, such as becoming a hired servant. As a hired servant, I can still keep my distance, still revolt, reject, strike, run away, or complain about my pay. As the beloved son, I have to claim my full dignity and begin preparing myself to become the father.
— Henri J. M. Nowen, The Return of the Prodigal Son:Â A Story of Homecoming, p. 52-53
As you develop better boundaries, you have less need for anger. This is because in many cases, anger was the only boundary you had. Once you have your no intact, you no longer need the “rage signal.” You can see evil coming your way and prevent it from harming you by your boundaries.
Don’t fear the rage you discover when you first begin your boundary development. It is the protest of earlier parts of your soul. Those parts need to be unveiled, understood, and loved by God and people. And then you need to take responsibility for healing them and developing better boundaries.
This brings us to an important point about anger: The more biblical our boundaries are, the less anger we experience! Individuals with mature boundaries are the least angry people in the world. While those who are just beginning boundary work see their anger increase, this passes as boundaries grow and develop.
Why is this? Remember the “early warning system” function of anger. We feel it when we are violated. If you can prevent boundary violation in the first place, you don’t need the anger. You are more in control of your life and values.
— Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend, Boundaries, p. 114-115
Happy women know that no one gets to be happy all the time.
There’s no getting around it. If you love, you will lose. But that doesn’t mean being sentenced to a life of unhappiness. Be patient, take the time you need, and allow the grief to help you discover new independence and a fresh outlook on things.
There is tremendous wisdom that is accumulated after loss. Healing takes place when we can turn our pain into something meaningful. . . . Take time to do things that will bring renewed meaning to your life.
— Dan Baker, PhD, and Cathy Greenberg, PhD, What Happy Women Know, p. 173
When a relationship is over, it stings, and it’s frightening because you don’t know what lies ahead. The good news is that what happens from there on is up to you. If you want to be happy, let go of the belief that you are nothing without him and take on the attitude that you are and can be what you choose to be without him. In fact, let’s just leave him out of the sentence altogether. Now it reads: You are and can be what you choose to be. So choose to be independent. Choose to be strong. Choose to be happy.
— Dan Baker, PhD, and Cathy Greenberg, PhD, What Happy Women Know, p. 127
There will come a time in your relationship when your lover hurts you and you have to grieve the wound. Perhaps your spouse has an affair, or you may simply be hurt by a fundamental difference in beliefs or habits. Experiencing such pain does not mean there is anything wrong with you or the relationship. . . A period of pain and anger will follow as you deal with the loss. This period is commonly called “grieving,” and it’s an important part of the process of forgiveness.
It is normal to experience emotional distress when our world is shaken. It is also human nature to grieve losses and to suffer when we are mistreated. . . .
Every time you disagree with or are hurt by your lover, you must acknowledge the pain you are dealing with. Most of the time the pain will last only for a moment, and then you can remember why you love your partner, come up with a benign explanation, and get over it. In those situations, the grief response will be very quick. Your gut will suddenly feel tight, or there will be a swear word on your lips. . . .
Not all difficulties, hoever, are ones that we can move through without an active and extended time of grieving. The period of grief begins when we fully embrace the reality that there is a painful experience in our relationship that we do not want and we cannot change. We accept our inability to make a change, and this acceptance allows us to then feel the sadness, anger, and fear that come with loss.
An ability to grieve appropriately is a necessary part of a successful marriage, but many couples do not realize this.
— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 173-174
Surrender to the pain. Then learn to surrender to the good. It’s there and more is on the way. Love God. Love Family. Love what you do. Love people, and learn to let them love you. And always keep on loving yourself.
No matter how good it gets, the best is yet to come.
— Melody Beattie, Beyond Codependency:Â And Getting Better All the Time, p. 245
There was no point in telling somebody not to cry, she had always thought; indeed there were times when you should do exactly the opposite, when you should urge people to cry, to start the healing that sometimes only tears can bring.
— Alexander McCall Smith, The Good Husband of Zebra Drive, p. 211
Some days, we may do particularly well. We may assertively refuse someone’s invitation to be codependent. We may deal well with a particular conflict or feeling. We may have a few moments of intimacy or closeness. We may buy ourselves something special, then not wreck it by telling ourselves we don’t deserve it.
Some days, we may have to look more closely to notice what we did. Maybe we took time out to rest when we were tired. We said The Serenity Prayer during a trying moment. Things got crazy and we detached when we noticed ourselves getting hooked in.
On our worst days, we still look for something we’ve done toward recovery. Sometimes the best we can do is feel good about what we did not do. We pat ourselves on the back because we didn’t run to the nearest bar, drag home an alcoholic, and fall in love with him or her. For some of us, that’s real progress and not to be overlooked on the gray days.
All the days count. Believe in recovery. Our lives and experiences can be different and better. The process of getting better is happening right now, this moment, in our lives.
— Melody Beattie, Beyond Codependency, p. 236-237