But though that person’s hardness will affect his well-being and his relationships until he faces and deals with his sin, though it may keep him in bondage, no one can force you to be bound as a prisoner in your own heart — not as long as you take the bold step to forgive. That is a choice you can and must make, regardless of where the other person is in their journey.
— Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Choosing Forgiveness, p. 134
Forgiveness does not mean that we will cease to hurt. The wounds are deep, and we may hurt for a very long time. Just because we continue to experience emotional pain does not mean that we have failed to forgive.
Forgiveness does not mean that we will forget…. No, we remember, but in forgiving we no longer use the memory against others.
Forgiveness is not pretending that the offense did not really matter. It did matter, and it does matter, and there is no use pretending otherwise. The offense is real, but when we forgive, the offense no longer controls our behavior.
Forgiveness is not acting as if things are just the same as before the offense. We must face the fact that things will never be the same. By the grace of God they can be a thousand times better, but they will never again be the same.
What then is forgiveness? It is a miracle of grace whereby the offense no longer separates…. Forgiveness means that the power of love that holds us together is greater than the power of the offense that separates us. That is forgiveness. In forgiveness we are releasing our offenders so that they are no longer bound to us. In a very real sense we are freeing them to receive God’s grace. We are also inviting our offenders back into the circle of fellowship.
— Richard J. Foster, Prayer, p. 187-188
Having a good cry can help us to heal. We can feel sad about what is happening or has happened and then move back into the present moment. Breaking down in tears over a seriously painful event is perfectly natural and healthy. Think of your tears as a sign of your compassion and love. Allow yourself to be fully present to the pain. Feel your emotions. Observe your thoughts. Your tears will help to heal your broken heart. Let your vulnerability be your strength. Tears of sorrow cleanse your soul. Crying is a sign of acceptance. You face the pain, you feel it in your body, you observe it in your mind and emotions. Crying doesn’t last long. You catch yourself, realizing it is now time to let go and move on.
— Alexandra Stoddard, Choosing Happiness, p. 83
It seems to me that I and most of the people I know have forgotten how to grieve like this — not only for others but for ourselves. We have forgotten how to grieve at all. It no longer comes naturally to us. We have to learn it from self-help books and therapists. Or we have to do without.
All I have to offer you is a list of don’ts. Don’t forbid painful topics. Don’t judge. Don’t preach. When people tell you of their pain, don’t say anything at all. Don’t think, if you can help it, at least at first. Just hear it and, if you can, cry. Cry for them and for yourself, because you, too, have suffered such things, or will. Cry that there is evil in this world, that we are all of us sometimes the victims and often the perpetrators of it. Cry that people, however messed up, and even if they themselves caused the misery in which they find themselves, have to suffer at all…. Remind yourself of these truths about the pain of our world and the sins that occasion it. Others’ sins. Our own sins. Because it is only this grieving, this taking of a knee, that truly comforts us, that connects us to one another and to God.
— Patty Kirk, Confessions of an Amateur Believer, p. 96
You can outgrow the wounds of the past with a deep appreciation of yourself, your courage, sensitivity, resilience, and desire for a better life. You have enormous power and potential to become the person you were meant to be. Appreciate your strengths and resilience. Trust your inner voice — it tells you that you do not need to have value poured into you from outside sources. Your vessel is full and ready to “runneth over.” As you feel the light of your core value within, you can make it shine out of you, to illuminate all your days.
— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 316
One of the great misconceptions about forgiveness is that it is the same as reconciliation. Reconciliation is deciding whether or not to talk to your lover again after an infidelity. Forgiveness is deciding whether or not to let go of the anger and despair you feel because you did not get the loyal partnership you wanted. Reconciliation means reestablishing a relationship with the person who hurt you. Forgiveness means making peace with a bitter part of your past and no longer blaming your experiences on the offender. You can forgive even if you don’t want to have any further relationship with the person who hurt you….
Forgiving someone does not require that you condone that person’s unkind, inconsiderate, or selfish behavior. To forgive is to let go of the extra suffering you have imposed on yourself after the normal cycle of grief has run its course….
Forgiveness acknowledges that we were disappointed but allows us not to stay stuck in the past….
Forgiveness is about today and not yesterday.
— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 21-26
Forgiveness can wrap up the grief, but it does not prevent the inevitable and necessary suffering. When there is a serious injury or loss, there is no way to avoid pain. If you want to have a satisfactory future, you will need to feel the loss and then let go of the hurt it has caused you. You need to forgive.
Even if you decide to divorce after a betrayal, you will still need to forgive…. When you forgive, you are able to be at peace even though rejection, disloyalty, and dishonesty have been a part of your life.
Your best chance for successful future relationships and overall happiness is to forgive your former partner. Forgiveness is not a substitute for grief, nor does it preclude the pain caused by your partner’s cheating. But it does gently allow your grief to ebb so that you can move on and live a successful life.
— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 21
So now you have the opportunity to keep your life gaslight-free and go on to a new future. You have the chance to rework or leave unsatisfying relationships and choose new relationships that feed your sense of self, your vitality, and your joy. You have the chance to become a stronger, more solid person who charts her own course and lives by her own values. Most important, you have the chance to discover what you truly want — in your work, your home life, your relationships, and yourself. Freed from the Gaslight Effect, you can make better choices, choices that are right for you. As you begin this exciting new portion of your life’s journey, I wish you strength and spirit and all the luck in the world.
— Dr. Robin Stern, The Gaslight Effect, p. 233
We do know this — any offender who is restored by God’s grace is not simply returned to where he was before it all took place. Through the Lord’s great mercy, guilty sinners can be declared guilt-free and restored to lives of greater fruitfulness than they ever dreamed possible.
— Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Choosing Forgiveness, p. 111
If you’re a child of God, the ordeal you’re undergoing, however wrong or unfair or heartless it may be or may have been, in His providence and skillful hands will be used to take you somewhere good — deeper into His heart, to a place of greater dependence and trust, more perfectly refined into the likeness of Christ.
— Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Choosing Forgiveness, p. 107