A Boomerang

Forgiveness, Healing, Letting Go 0

Cursing is a boomerang.  If I will evil towards someone else, that evil becomes visible in me.  It is an extreme way of being forensic, toward myself, as well as toward whoever outrages me.  To avoid contaminating myself and everybody around me, I must work through the anger and the hurt feelings and the demands for absolute justice to a desire for healing.  Healing for myself, and my anger, first, because until I am at least in the process of healing, I cannot heal; and then healing for those who have hurt or betrayed me, and those I have hurt and betrayed.

— Madeleine L’Engle, A Stone for a Pillow, quoted in Glimpses of Grace, compiled by Carole F. Chase

God Doesn’t Dwell on our Errors.

Forgiveness, God, Healing 0

When Jesus spoke to Paul on the road to Damascus, Paul had just helped murder Stephen and possibly many other Christians.  But Jesus merely said to Paul that the way he had chosen was difficult, and to follow him instead.  Jesus didn’t discuss Paul’s mistakes.  Nor did the father of the prodigal son discuss his boy’s “sins against heaven.”  God doesn’t dwell on our errors.  Do we know better than God what to think about?  All any mistake requires is correction.

— Hugh Prather, Spiritual Notes to Myself, p. 138

Forgiveness is Good for your Body.

Forgiveness, Healing 0

Research shows that learning to forgive or being a forgiving person helps you feel better physically.  The reasons are simple.  It is very stressful to be constantly at war with certain parts of your life.  Telling yourself again and again that you got a raw deal because your husband does not love you the way you want to be loved is hard on your heart and nervous system.  Blaming someone who does not care about you enough for the way your life turned out is incredibly stressful.  Dwelling on the ex who didn’t love you and has since moved on puts a strain on your nervous system and does not slow your ex down at all.  Finally, it is stressful and ultimately self-defeating to complain about things you can’t change in your spouse.  If your wife is messy and has always been messy, constantly expressing your displeasure about it will not do your muscles or arteries any good.  Nor will it make you or her feel better or get along any better.

The reality is that resentment and stress can further damage your relationship as well as your nervous system, while forgiveness can reduce the harm caused by these negative feelings.  By forgiving, we are able to let go of our resentment and reduce the stress it places on our body.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Good, p. 31-32

Your Own Choice

Forgiveness, Healing 0

But though that person’s hardness will affect his well-being and his relationships until he faces and deals with his sin, though it may keep him in bondage, no one can force you to be bound as a prisoner in your own heart — not as long as you take the bold step to forgive.  That is a choice you can and must make, regardless of where the other person is in their journey.

— Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Choosing Forgiveness, p. 134

What Forgiveness Is Not

Forgiveness, Healing, Relationships 0

Forgiveness does not mean that we will cease to hurt.  The wounds are deep, and we may hurt for a very long time.  Just because we continue to experience emotional pain does not mean that we have failed to forgive.

Forgiveness does not mean that we will forget….  No, we remember, but in forgiving we no longer use the memory against others.

Forgiveness is not pretending that the offense did not really matter.  It did matter, and it does matter, and there is no use pretending otherwise.  The offense is real, but when we forgive, the offense no longer controls our behavior.

Forgiveness is not acting as if things are just the same as before the offense.  We must face the fact that things will never be the same.  By the grace of God they can be a thousand times better, but they will never again be the same.

What then is forgiveness?  It is a miracle of grace whereby the offense no longer separates….  Forgiveness means that the power of love that holds us together is greater than the power of the offense that separates us.  That is forgiveness.  In forgiveness we are releasing our offenders so that they are no longer bound to us.  In a very real sense we are freeing them to receive God’s grace.  We are also inviting our offenders back into the circle of fellowship.

— Richard J. Foster, Prayer, p. 187-188

A Good Cry

Compassion, Healing, Letting Go, Trials 0

Having a good cry can help us to heal.  We can feel sad about what is happening or has happened and then move back into the present moment.  Breaking down in tears over a seriously painful event is perfectly natural and healthy.  Think of your tears as a sign of your compassion and love.  Allow yourself to be fully present to the pain.  Feel your emotions.  Observe your thoughts.  Your tears will help to heal your broken heart.  Let your vulnerability be your strength.  Tears of sorrow cleanse your soul.  Crying is a sign of acceptance.  You face the pain, you feel it in your body, you observe it in your mind and emotions.  Crying doesn’t last long.  You catch yourself, realizing it is now time to let go and move on.

— Alexandra Stoddard, Choosing Happiness, p. 83

Grieving

Compassion, Healing, Life, Trials 0

It seems to me that I and most of the people I know have forgotten how to grieve like this — not only for others but for ourselves.  We have forgotten how to grieve at all.  It no longer comes naturally to us.  We have to learn it from self-help books and therapists.  Or we have to do without.

All I have to offer you is a list of don’ts.  Don’t forbid painful topics.  Don’t judge.  Don’t preach.  When people tell you of their pain, don’t say anything at all.  Don’t think, if you can help it, at least at first.  Just hear it and, if you can, cry.  Cry for them and for yourself, because you, too, have suffered such things, or will.  Cry that there is evil in this world, that we are all of us sometimes the victims and often the perpetrators of it.  Cry that people, however messed up, and even if they themselves caused the misery in which they find themselves, have to suffer at all….  Remind yourself of these truths about the pain of our world and the sins that occasion it.  Others’ sins.  Our own sins.  Because it is only this grieving, this taking of a knee, that truly comforts us, that connects us to one another and to God.

— Patty Kirk, Confessions of an Amateur Believer, p. 96

A Bright Future

Core Value, Healing, Inspiration, Joy, Life 0

You can outgrow the wounds of the past with a deep appreciation of yourself, your courage, sensitivity, resilience, and desire for a better life.  You have enormous power and potential to become the person you were meant to be.  Appreciate your strengths and resilience.  Trust your inner voice — it tells you that you do not need to have value poured into you from outside sources.  Your vessel is full and ready to “runneth over.”  As you feel the light of your core value within, you can make it shine out of you, to illuminate all your days.

— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 316

Forgiving for Your Own Sake

Forgiveness, Healing, Relationships 0

One of the great misconceptions about forgiveness is that it is the same as reconciliation.  Reconciliation is deciding whether or not to talk to your lover again after an infidelity.  Forgiveness is deciding whether or not to let go of the anger and despair you feel because you did not get the loyal partnership you wanted.  Reconciliation means reestablishing a relationship with the person who hurt you.  Forgiveness means making peace with a bitter part of your past and no longer blaming your experiences on the offender.  You can forgive even if you don’t want to have any further relationship with the person who hurt you….

Forgiving someone does not require that you condone that person’s unkind, inconsiderate, or selfish behavior.  To forgive is to let go of the extra suffering you have imposed on yourself after the normal cycle of grief has run its course….

Forgiveness acknowledges that we were disappointed but allows us not to stay stuck in the past….

Forgiveness is about today and not yesterday.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 21-26