Love Rests on Choice

Forgiveness, Gratitude, Healing, Love, Marriage, Relationships 0

Real love can emerge only when there is choice.  If Sam is obliged to treat Carly exactly as she demands to be treated, then what is there for Sam to do but follow instructions?  If Carly gets to make all the decisions, then Sam is not really a full partner.  It is only real choice that allows romantic love to flourish.  Jack can tell Jill he will love her for the rest of his life, but he still has to wake up every day and do so.  If she hovers over him and rates his love for her by the hour, it will quickly be extinguished.  Jack will get tired of the judgments and the pressure to perform.  We cannot be forced to love.  As much as choice is a responsibility, it also provides the freedom to love and care and forgive.  The risks we take when we choose to love one particular person and the resulting uncertainty are the ground upon which true love emerges.

How remarkable is it that your lover continues to spend time with you, listen to you, and try to make your relationship work of his or her own free will?  How wonderful is it that you lover continues to have sex with you and to parent your children?  Your lover’s devotion and willingness to plug away day after day when there are sleeker and newer models to meet is a blessing.  We need to let our lovers know how amazing they are and how grateful we are.  We need to make offering gratitude a priority in our lives and in our marriages….

When you feel grateful for your lover, you are able to feel forgiving toward him or her.  Forgiveness is a positive emotion that can actually restore some of the damage done to your body by anger and stress.  When you are focused on your problems and grievances, your body is under stress.  Your stress chemicals are active, and you feel tired and beaten down.  You blame the offender for your distress and feel disempowered.  Feeling grateful and forgiving can wash away the stress and relax your body and mind.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 132-133

Challenging Unenforceable Rules

Forgiveness, Healing, Letting Go, Love, Marriage 0

Once you’ve identified your unenforceable rule, you need to figure out how to hold on to the enforceable desire and get rid of the unenforceable demand.  Hoping that things will go the way you want and working hard to get your wishes gratified is a good approach to your relationship.  At the same time, remind yourself that you cannot control your lover’s behavior, and it is foolish to demand things that your lover isn’t willing to give.  Try substituting the words “hope” or “wish” for “must” or “have to” in your unenforceable expectation or demand.  This will help you to avoid driving yourself crazy and retain the energy to maximize the relationship you have….

Challenging your unenforceable rules lets you take responsibility for your feelings and helps you take your partner’s quirks less personally.  You become aware that much of what you took personally about your partner’s behavior was only rules you could not enforce.  You remember that you love your partner, not the things you are demanding from him or her.  Once you do this, you can see that your thinking played a significant role in the anger and hurt that you felt.  As you challenge your rules, you will see that clearer thinking leads to more peaceful coexistence in your marriage and day-to-day life….

Notice that when you wish or hope that things will be a certain way, you think more clearly and are more peaceful than when you demand that they be a certain way.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Love, p. 121-123

The Feeding of the Five Thousand

God, Healing, Letting Go, Trust 0

Another important part of the miracle is Jesus’ concern for the fragments, because he is always concerned about the broken things, the broken people.  Only when we realize that we are indeed broken, that we are not independent, that we cannot do it ourselves, can we turn to God and take that which he has given to us, no matter what it is, and create with it.

— Madeleine L’Engle, The Rock That Is Higher, quoted in Glimpses of Grace, compiled by Carole F. Chase, p. 63

A Boomerang

Forgiveness, Healing, Letting Go 0

Cursing is a boomerang.  If I will evil towards someone else, that evil becomes visible in me.  It is an extreme way of being forensic, toward myself, as well as toward whoever outrages me.  To avoid contaminating myself and everybody around me, I must work through the anger and the hurt feelings and the demands for absolute justice to a desire for healing.  Healing for myself, and my anger, first, because until I am at least in the process of healing, I cannot heal; and then healing for those who have hurt or betrayed me, and those I have hurt and betrayed.

— Madeleine L’Engle, A Stone for a Pillow, quoted in Glimpses of Grace, compiled by Carole F. Chase

God Doesn’t Dwell on our Errors.

Forgiveness, God, Healing 0

When Jesus spoke to Paul on the road to Damascus, Paul had just helped murder Stephen and possibly many other Christians.  But Jesus merely said to Paul that the way he had chosen was difficult, and to follow him instead.  Jesus didn’t discuss Paul’s mistakes.  Nor did the father of the prodigal son discuss his boy’s “sins against heaven.”  God doesn’t dwell on our errors.  Do we know better than God what to think about?  All any mistake requires is correction.

— Hugh Prather, Spiritual Notes to Myself, p. 138

Forgiveness is Good for your Body.

Forgiveness, Healing 0

Research shows that learning to forgive or being a forgiving person helps you feel better physically.  The reasons are simple.  It is very stressful to be constantly at war with certain parts of your life.  Telling yourself again and again that you got a raw deal because your husband does not love you the way you want to be loved is hard on your heart and nervous system.  Blaming someone who does not care about you enough for the way your life turned out is incredibly stressful.  Dwelling on the ex who didn’t love you and has since moved on puts a strain on your nervous system and does not slow your ex down at all.  Finally, it is stressful and ultimately self-defeating to complain about things you can’t change in your spouse.  If your wife is messy and has always been messy, constantly expressing your displeasure about it will not do your muscles or arteries any good.  Nor will it make you or her feel better or get along any better.

The reality is that resentment and stress can further damage your relationship as well as your nervous system, while forgiveness can reduce the harm caused by these negative feelings.  By forgiving, we are able to let go of our resentment and reduce the stress it places on our body.

— Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Good, p. 31-32

Your Own Choice

Forgiveness, Healing 0

But though that person’s hardness will affect his well-being and his relationships until he faces and deals with his sin, though it may keep him in bondage, no one can force you to be bound as a prisoner in your own heart — not as long as you take the bold step to forgive.  That is a choice you can and must make, regardless of where the other person is in their journey.

— Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Choosing Forgiveness, p. 134

What Forgiveness Is Not

Forgiveness, Healing, Relationships 0

Forgiveness does not mean that we will cease to hurt.  The wounds are deep, and we may hurt for a very long time.  Just because we continue to experience emotional pain does not mean that we have failed to forgive.

Forgiveness does not mean that we will forget….  No, we remember, but in forgiving we no longer use the memory against others.

Forgiveness is not pretending that the offense did not really matter.  It did matter, and it does matter, and there is no use pretending otherwise.  The offense is real, but when we forgive, the offense no longer controls our behavior.

Forgiveness is not acting as if things are just the same as before the offense.  We must face the fact that things will never be the same.  By the grace of God they can be a thousand times better, but they will never again be the same.

What then is forgiveness?  It is a miracle of grace whereby the offense no longer separates….  Forgiveness means that the power of love that holds us together is greater than the power of the offense that separates us.  That is forgiveness.  In forgiveness we are releasing our offenders so that they are no longer bound to us.  In a very real sense we are freeing them to receive God’s grace.  We are also inviting our offenders back into the circle of fellowship.

— Richard J. Foster, Prayer, p. 187-188

A Good Cry

Compassion, Healing, Letting Go, Trials 0

Having a good cry can help us to heal.  We can feel sad about what is happening or has happened and then move back into the present moment.  Breaking down in tears over a seriously painful event is perfectly natural and healthy.  Think of your tears as a sign of your compassion and love.  Allow yourself to be fully present to the pain.  Feel your emotions.  Observe your thoughts.  Your tears will help to heal your broken heart.  Let your vulnerability be your strength.  Tears of sorrow cleanse your soul.  Crying is a sign of acceptance.  You face the pain, you feel it in your body, you observe it in your mind and emotions.  Crying doesn’t last long.  You catch yourself, realizing it is now time to let go and move on.

— Alexandra Stoddard, Choosing Happiness, p. 83