Obedience in the Face of Reason

Forgiveness, God, Healing, Marriage 0

The one major thing God told me from the very beginning, when I had no clue where I was or where I was going, was obedience in the face of reason.  I was to keep a short account with God, cleanse myself daily of anger, bitterness and resentment, and forgive even when I didn’t feel like it.  Willingness was, and is, always the key.

— Testimonial in Your Father Knows Best:  True Reports from Court of God Moving When People are Praying, compiled by Bob and Charlyne Steinkamp

You Can Opt Out

Healing, Letting Go, Relationships 0

Although from the outside gaslighting can look like the work of a single, abusive gaslighter, a gaslighting relationship always involves the active participation of two people.  That is, in fact, the good news.  If you’re caught in a gaslighting relationship, you may not be able to change the gaslighter’s behavior, but you can certainly change your own.  Again, it’s not easy, but it is simple:  You can end the gaslighting as soon as you stop trying to win the argument or convince your gaslighter to be reasonable.  Instead, you can simply opt out.…

Gaslighting can occur only when a gaslightee tries — consciously or not — to accommodate the gaslighter, or to get him to see things her way, because she so desperately wants his approval so she can feel whole.

— Dr. Robin Stern, The Gaslight Effect, p. 34-35

Work toward Compassion

Compassion, Healing 0

It’s hard to feel compassion for someone while that person is using or victimizing us.  We’ll probably feel angry.  First, we stop allowing ourselves to be used.  Then, we work toward compassion.  Anger can motivate us to set boundaries, but we don’t need to stay resentful to keep taking care of ourselves.

— Melody Beattie, Beyond Codependency, p. 70-71

The Purpose of Emotional Pain

Compassion, Core Value, Healing 0

Emotional pain moves you to do something that will make you feel more alive, not numb.  The primary purpose of emotional pain is to make us take action to increase the value of our lives.  The purpose of guilt, shame, and anxiety is to get you to be more loving and protective.  They hurt us until we act with love and compassion.

— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 163

Breaking the Chain of Resentment

Core Value, Forgiveness, Healing, Letting Go 0

The first thing to realize about the terrible Chain of Resentment is that you don’t have to feel it.  The experience of resentment is a choice you make.

The second thing to realize is that the Chain of Resentment binds the self more than anyone else.  Breaking the chain of resentment means unburdening the self, setting the self free.

No one can just “let go” of resentment.  You can resolve resentment only by investing more value in your life.  The more you value, the less you will resent.  The more compassionate you are, the less you are able to resent.

— Steven Stosny, Manual of the Core Value Workshop, p. 74.

A More Compelling Right

Compassion, Core Value, Forgiveness, Healing 0

You have an absolute right to be resentful and angry, but exercising that right will only keep the thorns in your heart.  You have a more compelling right to heal the wounds you’ve suffered.  You can heal with compassion for yourself, with sympathy for your own hurt, and with the motivation to heal and improve.  Emotional healing is replacing your core hurts to your core value, so that you can realize your fullest potential as the loving, compassionate, competent, creative person you are meant to be.

— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 121