Love means the ability to identify with imperfection and to recognize the inadequacies, weaknesses, fears and confusion in ourselves and others. Loving what is unlovable in them is always a challenge. It’s so much easier to dismiss people for their failings than it is to stick by them. I wonder why it is that we are more prone to finding fatal flaws than looking for redeeming qualities?
— Leo Buscaglia, Born for Love, p. 217
Learn to recognize the difference between shame and guilt. Guilt is believing that what we did isn’t okay. Authentic guilt is valuable. It’s a signal that we’ve violated our own, or a universal, moral code. It keeps us honest, healthy, and on track. Shame is worthless. Shame is the belief that whether what we did is okay or not, who we are isn’t. Guilt is resolvable. We make amends for what we did, learn from our mistake, and attempt to correct our behavior. Shame isn’t resolvable. It leaves us with a sense that all we can do is apologize for our existence, and even that falls short of what’s needed….
If we feel ashamed because we’ve done something we feel guilty about, we convert shame to guilt, then make any appropriate amends and change our behavior. If we decide shame is trying to enforce an unhealthy, inappropriate message on us, we change the message. If we feel ashamed about something we cannot or need not change, we surrender to the situation and give ourselves a big hug.
— Melody Beattie, Beyond Codependency, p. 107-110
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In the Love yourself step, recognize the core value of the person who offended you. He/she is far more complicated, complex, and humane than whatever he or she did to you. Appreciating the complexity of other people reinforces your own value….
Feel compassion, not for the behavior, but for the hurt.
— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 206
I will work hard to heal my hurt. This means understanding my own deepest emotions and those of all my loved ones. I will not hurt their feelings or try to control them, even if they hurt mine or try to control me.
— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 186
No matter how bad you feel, if you do one of these — improve, appreciate, protect or connect — you will feel better.
— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 184
Approach everyone you meet as an individual with dignity and a life as complicated and mysterious as your own. Discard preceonceptions and suspend, even for a moment, the idea that you “know this type.”
Do these things and perhaps you might learn the most important lesson that love can teach us:Â that each person is worthy of our love simply because they are human, one of God’s unique creations, and begin from there.
— Leo Buscaglia, Born for Love, p. 179
Most human beings subjected to the amplification, magnification, and oversimplification of resentment or anger get resentful, contentious, or sulky in return, just like you do. Resentment and anger also cause you to focus only on your own perspective, to the exclusion of everyone else’s….
On the other hand, compassion not only keeps you from avoiding and attacking, it also motivates behavior to improve, appreciate, connect, or protect, all of which are likely to make things better…. Compassion is power.
— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 167-169
Emotional pain moves you to do something that will make you feel more alive, not numb. The primary purpose of emotional pain is to make us take action to increase the value of our lives. The purpose of guilt, shame, and anxiety is to get you to be more loving and protective. They hurt us until we act with love and compassion.
— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 163
People who feel good about themselves are not easily threatened by the future.
— Leo Buscaglia, Born for Love, p. 177
Real power is acting in your best interests, and your long-term emotional best interests depend entirely on acting according to your deepest values. If you do that, you will feel valuable and powerful at the same time.
— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 160