Breaking the Chain of Resentment

Core Value, Forgiveness, Healing, Letting Go 0

The first thing to realize about the terrible Chain of Resentment is that you don’t have to feel it.  The experience of resentment is a choice you make.

The second thing to realize is that the Chain of Resentment binds the self more than anyone else.  Breaking the chain of resentment means unburdening the self, setting the self free.

No one can just “let go” of resentment.  You can resolve resentment only by investing more value in your life.  The more you value, the less you will resent.  The more compassionate you are, the less you are able to resent.

— Steven Stosny, Manual of the Core Value Workshop, p. 74.

Empowering Children

Core Value, Parenting 0

The greatest leverage parents have to help and guide children is to form strong, resentment-free emotional bonds with them, based on value, mutual respect, and empowerment.

Empowerment gives someone the right and the confidence to offer solutions to problems that respect the best interests of all involved.  In other words, it activates Core Value and motivations to improve, appreciate, connect, and protect.

The trick in empowering children is to get them to come up with solutions that work for them and you.  When they come up with the solutions, you avoid power struggles, resentment, and hostility.  Most people, including children, like to cooperate, but hate to submit.

Steven Stosny, Manual of the Core Value Workshop, p. 51

A More Compelling Right

Compassion, Core Value, Forgiveness, Healing 0

You have an absolute right to be resentful and angry, but exercising that right will only keep the thorns in your heart.  You have a more compelling right to heal the wounds you’ve suffered.  You can heal with compassion for yourself, with sympathy for your own hurt, and with the motivation to heal and improve.  Emotional healing is replacing your core hurts to your core value, so that you can realize your fullest potential as the loving, compassionate, competent, creative person you are meant to be.

— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 121

Conviction, not Anger

Compassion, Core Value, Inspiration 0

Conviction is for something, like justice and fair treatment, while anger and resentment are against something, like injustice or unfair treatment.  Those who hate injustice want retribution and triumph, not fairness; they fantasize about punishment of their unjust opponents, who must submit to humiliation.  The fantasies of those who love justice are of equality, harmony, and triumphant good.

Being for something generates energy and creates positive feelings and relationships, while being against something depletes energy, creates negative feelings, and usually has deleterious effects on relationships — if you’re resentful about something at work, you won’t be as sweet to your kids when you get home.

— Steven Stosny You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 117

Choosing to Heal

Compassion, Core Value, Healing 0

If you choose to heal — and it is certainly your choice — you make the choice out of compassion for yourself, with awareness that your emotional health and well-being are more important than anyone else’s resentment, anger, or abuse.

— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore,  p. 106

The Golden Rule of Self-Esteem

Compassion, Core Value, Forgiveness, Healing, Relationships 0

The road to psychological ruin begins with blame.

The road to psychological power begins with responsibility.

You cannot blame and find good solutions at the same time.  You must choose between blame and making things better.

Blame is always about the past.  Solutions must occur in the present and the future.

Blame focuses attention on damage, injury, defects, weakness — on what is wrong.  Blame makes you feel like a powerless victim.

Responsibility focuses attention on strengths, resiliency, competence, growth, creativity, healing, and compassion, all of which are necessary for solving family problems.

— Steven Stosny, Manual of the Core Value Workshop, p. 44