The goal of healing is to have whatever harm you’ve suffered become the least important thing about you. Other people’s behavior is not about you at all. Only your core value is about you.
— Steven Stosny, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, p. 105
The road to psychological ruin begins with blame.
The road to psychological power begins with responsibility.
You cannot blame and find good solutions at the same time. You must choose between blame and making things better.
Blame is always about the past. Solutions must occur in the present and the future.
Blame focuses attention on damage, injury, defects, weakness — on what is wrong. Blame makes you feel like a powerless victim.
Responsibility focuses attention on strengths, resiliency, competence, growth, creativity, healing, and compassion, all of which are necessary for solving family problems.
— Steven Stosny, Manual of the Core Value Workshop, p. 44
“Disappointment, sadness, anxiety, and distress are part of everyday living. Only if they stimulate core hurts that are blamed on someone else will they become anger.
“Disappointment means you didn’t get something you wanted. It doesn’t mean that you are unworthy of it, it just means you didn’t get it.
“Sadness means you’ve lost something. It doesn’t mean that you are unlovable, it just means that you lost something.
“Anxiety is a dread that something bad might happen. It does not tell you that you are bad; it tells you to pay attention to a problem, so you can solve it.
“Distress means that you are currently overloaded in emotional response. It doesn’t mean that you are inadequate, it means your overexcited emotional circuits need a moment to calm. HEALS will do the trick quickly.”
— Steven Stosny, Manual of the Core Value Workshop, p. 40
“General Rule:Â If you have to justify your emotions or behavior, to yourself or others, they are almost always harmful.
“The urge to justify should be a trigger to heal the hurt that causes the anger. Justifying anger never heals the hurt that causes it.”
— Steven Stosny, Manual of the Core Value Workshop, p. 39-40.
“We can never feel taken advantage of or exploited in the experience of compassion, for compassion is its own reward. Even if it turns out that someone else’s defenses or weaknesses have motivated manipulation, we have the self-satisfaction of knowing that we acted out of compassion, which is always the right thing.”
— Steven Stosny, Manual of the Core Value Workshop, p. 36
“If you feel devalued by something your partner, child, or parent says or does, he or she probably feels devalued too. Devaluing him or her in return will only make it worse. Compassion will make it better.
“Compassion does not mean giving in. Giving in or ‘going along to avoid an argument’ virtually guarantees resentment. Resentment undermines and ruins attachment relationships.
“Most of the time resolution without resentment is possible with a sincere effort to understand one another. We become the angriest (the most hurt), not when disappointed for not getting what we want, but when feeling misunderstood or disregarded. With compassion, we never feel unimportant or disregarded or unlovable (although we may feel disappointed). This makes negotiation on all issues much easier. Compassion is absolutely necessary for resolution in the event of hurt feelings….
With compassion the goal is not to ‘win’ a dispute, but to find a solution in which all parties feel regarded, important, and valuable.”
— Steven Stosny, Manual of the Core Value Workshop, p. 37
“The comment, ‘You will never change,’ must delight the enemy trying to destroy your family.”
— Robert E. Steinkamp, The Prodigal’s Pen
“Attachment is like languages — you have to tolerate feeling not good at it in order to get better at it.”
— Steven Stosny, Compassion Power Boot Camp
“Shame never tells you you’re bad; it tells you that in your heart, you want to do better.”
— Steven Stosny, Compassion Power Boot Camp
“My definition of guilt is quite simple: when you try to force yourself to do something you don’t really want to do…. Anytime you hear yourself say, ‘I should, I’m supposed to, I have to,’ you have ignored your spirit to please your tribe.
“Coming into harmony with your soul releases the tension in your body and eliminates the mental Ping-Pong. When you hear your spirit, there is a huge surge of energy with a wonderful feeling of relief. Suddenly you are awake, alert, and fully alive and ready to live.”
— Christel Nani, Sacred Choices, p. 49