The Suffering of Others
Some people even think that sadness is an act of loyalty, that it would be a betrayal of the people they love not to suffer along with them. This is crazy.
— Byron Katie, A Thousand Names for Joy, p. 59
Category: Relationships
10 Posts
Maintaining Positive Energy
Negative energy can have a powerful pull on us, especially if we’re struggling to maintain positive energy and balance. It may seem that others who exude negative energy would like to pull us into the darkness with them. We do not have to go. Without judgment, we can decide it’s okay to walk away, okay to protect ourselves.
We cannot change other people. It does not help others for us to get off balance. We do not lead others into the Light by stepping into the darkness with them.
— Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go, p. 114
The Best Way of Leading
I don’t know what’s best for me or you or the world. I don’t try to impose my will on you or on anyone else. I don’t want to change you or improve you or convert you or help you or heal you. I just welcome things as they come and go. That’s true love. The best way of leading people is to let them find their own way.
— Byron Katie, A Thousand Names for Joy, p. 24
Normal Behaviors Taken Too Far
Caring about people we love, feeling victimized when we’re betrayed, giving our all to people we love, or wanting to control people because we’re watching them destroy themselves and hurt us doesn’t mean we’re sick. These are natural reactions. Codependency is about normal behaviors taken too far. It’s about crossing lines.
— Melody Beattie, The New Codependency, p. 5
When There Are Not Two Sides
There are not two sides. Abuse is not a conflict. It is not a fight. . . .
When a child is molested or abused, there are not two sides. Similarly, when an adult is verbally abused and threatened, there are not two sides. One person is not attacking and the other counterattacking. On the contrary, one is trying to understand and not upset the other, whose behavior is directed toward maintaining control and dominance with overt or covert attacks.
— Patricia Evans, Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out, p. 98
A Surprise Gift
If others do change because of something we said or did, which sometimes happens, we feel validated and this validation boosts our self-confidence. Unfortunately, it also encourages us to repeat our behavior relentlessly. Face it. Others change only because they want to. Not because we want them to.
So why do we incessantly try to do the impossible? After years of observation, coupled with my own unyielding commitment to changing this behavior in myself, I have concluded that we attempt to control as a way of quelling the threat we feel when our companions have opinions or attitudes or behaviors that differ from our own. The greater the threat, the more we try to control.
But what we discover when we give up trying to control everybody and everything is that we suddenly have the time and opportunity to learn and change and grow within ourselves, so that we can progress to the next level of spiritual awareness that awaits us.
A surprise benefit, too, is that by letting go, moving on, and living our own lives peacefully and with intention, we often inspire others to change in the very ways we want them to change. Ironic, isn’t it?…
Being powerless over others is one of the best gifts we have been given on this journey. Trust me. You will be grateful, in time.
— Karen Casey, Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow, p. 66-68
Their Own Choices
Letting other people make their own choices, which might well turn into mistakes, is good for the other people and for us. If they allow us to choose for them, and we make a choice that isn’t beneficial, we become their excuse for failure. We become the unwitting scapegoat for whatever goes wrong in their life, a burden we surely don’t want and one that’s not beneficial to our own journey.
— Karen Casey, Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow, p. 65
Powerlessness Over Other People
Accepting our powerlessness over other people doesn’t come without strong resistance, intense mental focus, near constant practice of letting go, and unyielding willingness to understand that other people simply can’t be controlled! Our disbelief about our powerlessness is evident everywhere — in our dysfunctional homes, among disgruntled employees, within the power structure of every government around the world. Every war ever fought is strong evidence that people everywhere continue to believe they have the power to control others. However, one side seldom wins. More commonly, the vanquished simply give up.
If having a peaceful life is our goal, then we must give up unpeaceful behaviors. Making the decision to free all of those people in our lives from our misguided attempts to control them is a great first step.
— Karen Casey, Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow, p. 64
The Irrationality of Defining Others
If someone defines you, even in subtle ways, they are pretending to know the unknowable. There is a quality of fantasy to their words and sometimes to their actions. Even so, they are usually unaware of the fact that they are playing “let’s pretend.” They fool themselves and sometimes others into thinking that what they are saying is true or that what they are doing is right.
When people “make up” your reality — as if they were you — they are trying to control you, even when they don’t realize it.
When people attempt to control you they begin by pretending. When they define you they are acting in a senseless way. They are pretending. . . .
We know that they are pretending because in actual fact, no one can tell what you want, believe, should do, or why you have done what you have done. No one can know your inner reality, your intentions, your motives, what you think, believe, feel, like, dislike, what you know, how you do what you do, or who you are. If someone does pretend to know your inner reality: “You’re trying to start a fight,” they have it backwards. People can only know themselves. It doesn’t work the other way around.
Since only you can define yourself, your self-definition is yours. It isn’t necessary to prove it or explain it. It is, after all, your own. Self-definition is inherent in being a person.
Despite the evidence, it is difficult for many people to realize that the person who defines them is not being rational. They feel inclined to defend themselves as if the person defining them were rational. But by trying to defend themselves against someone’s definitions, they are acknowledging those definitions as valid, that they make sense, when they are, in fact, complete nonsense….
Millions of people try to defend themselves from abuse and describe the altercations as arguments. Are they? I think not. I see them more as a struggle to retain one’s own reality when someone else has stepped into it.
— Patricia Evans, Controlling People, p. 58-59
[Photo: South Riding, Virginia, May 3, 2014]
Breaking the Judgment Habit
When I embrace the practice of unconditional love — seldom an easy exercise, I might add — I am able to see how similar I am to those around me, and my habit of judgment lessens. Please note the word “habit.” Judgment does become a habit, and so can unconditional love, though it is more difficult to perfect. A tool that has worked for me (when I remember to use it) is to express a statement of unconditional love out loud every time a judgmental thought crosses my mind. Try it next time you find yourself gripped by judgment. As soon as you catch it, state your unconditional love. It works….
It’s easy to tell ourselves that we are not judging, we are merely observing. But most often this is just a lie. Our minds are quick to judge, and just as with any other thought, that which we focus on becomes magnified. When it’s the failings of others or missed opportunities or cynicism or mean-spiritedness that we choose to focus on, these are the attitudes that are magnified, thus injuring all the people on our path and on their paths too.
Of course the reverse is likewise true. If we choose to see the good in others, which is abundantly there, we will help to increase it in them, in ourselves, and in our communities as well, widening the circle of good with every glimpse. The choice to see the good is always available to us. It’s a mindset we can practice to the benefit of all….
As long as we sit in judgment of someone, we cannot experience peace. With each judgment we make, we hurt all our relationships.
— Karen Casey, Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow, p. 55-58