“Forgiving and forgetting feed our denial system.  We need to think about, remember, understand, and make good decisions about what we are forgiving, what can be forgotten, and what is still a problem.  And forgiving someone does not mean we have to let that person keep hurting us….

“I am not suggesting we adopt an unforgiving attitude.  We all need forgiveness.  Grudges and anger hurt us; they don’t help the other person much either.  Forgiveness is wonderful.  It wipes the slate clean.  It clears up guilt.  It brings peace and harmony.  It acknowledges and accepts the humanness we all share, and it says, ‘That’s okay.  I love you anyway.’  But I believe we codependents need to be gentle, loving, and forgiving with ourselves before we can expect to forgive others.  But I believe codependents need to think about how, why, and when we dole out forgiveness.

“Also, forgiveness is closely tied into the acceptance or grief process.  We cannot forgive someone for doing something if we have not fully accepted what this person has done….

“Forgiveness comes in time — in its own time — if we are striving to take care of ourselves.”

— Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, p. 197-198

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